In Your Shoes
by moosals
Summary: With Edward gone, Bella believes his every lie and assumes he has it easy. It isn't long before she finds herself in his shoes. (No, not literally.) NM AU
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer:** Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all its characters. No copyright infringement is intended.

 **Author's Note:** A while ago, I wrote a short dark piece never intending to use it, but it had ideas of its own and was laying in wait to ambush me when I least expected it. Now that it's finished, I'd like to share it with you.

The story is told mainly from Bella's point of view, but for some reason Edward seems to think it's okay if he interjects in the middle of each chapter, therefore each has **alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella.**

 **Warnings:** The prologue is a quite dark, but things lighten up from there on (for the most part) and any humour is either irreverent or tongue-in-cheek. I wrote this story to please Mortissues. That should probably tell you something...

* * *

 **1\. Prologue**

I can't breathe, I can't sleep, and anything I eat just comes straight back up. The only thing I can think of is that you left me.

You. Left. Me.

You don't want me because I'm not good for you. Well, since you cast me aside, I haven't been good enough for anyone. Who would want a skinny shell of a girl with sallow skin and sunken eyes and brittle hair?

You have it so easy. You still have your family—my family, or at least I thought they were mine. I was such a fool to allow myself to believe that I could be a part of that. They called me daughter, sister, best friend, but then they left me, just like you did.

Have you found another distraction to fill your time? Is she human too? Everything with me was just an act, wasn't it? I believed you when you said you loved me, and I believed you when you said no one had aroused that side of you in over ninety years.

None of that was true though, was it? I didn't arouse you, not really. Your body didn't respond to mine as mine did to yours. The whole thing was just a game to you, to see if you could draw me in and capture my heart and then break it.

Why didn't you just finish the job and drain me properly? How could you have been so cruel and heartless as to leave me behind? Without you, I am nothing.

The waves are crashing against the rocks below. The sea is turbulent, white with froth and foam, and the spray keeps reaching me all the way up here at the very top of the cliff.

My clothes are cold and damp and clinging to my body. It's getting harder to hold myself together. I know I should, for Charlie and for Mom, but I'm so sick of fighting. I don't even know what I'm fighting for.

You won't be coming back, and I don't want to be here without you. I, too, am tired of pretending.

At first it seems like such a rush, plummeting feet first into the freezing cold water. It makes me feel alive for the first time in months, but then my body turns numb and I feel nothing.

My heart is frozen, just like yours, but it's not the same.

I don't want to be here anymore.

...

Rosalie called. She told me that you killed yourself. You jumped from the highest cliff in La Push into the stormy waters of the Pacific Ocean. There was no chance of survival.

You are dead and I have killed you, just as surely as if I'd drained you of your blood myself. But I did drain you, didn't I? I drained you of your life when I left you, and I drained you of your soul when you jumped. Your life and your soul are the very things I left to protect.

How did I come to believe that by leaving, you would forget me and live a long and happy human life? I was so very wrong. Perhaps I should have done it sooner, should have left well alone from the start, but it was too late for you, for both of us, the moment our paths crossed.

Leaving you has solved nothing. Leaving you has only proven what I already knew: I am the very worst kind of monster, and I have all but killed us both.

You were far too young to die; you had barely begun to live. And I? I have lived long enough.

I don't want to be here anymore.

...

When did I go from being so cold to being so hot? There is a fire raging through my body and the heat is stifling, burning me up from the inside. There are flames licking at my heart, and it hurts almost as much as it did when _he_ left me.

I don't know where I am, and I can't open my eyes to see, for they had been welded shut. Am I in hell? Shouldn't the flames be on the outside?

I remember jumping from the highest point of the cliff. The water was so cold, it was soothing. It took away the pain until the fire took hold. Did I kill myself? Was it suicide? No. I was dead before I jumped. _He_ killed me.

But I don't feel dead anymore. My skin feels damp. Sweat is coming out of every pore while my insides are burning to a crisp, but I think I am more myself than I can remember being in a long while.

What do I remember? Who am I?

* * *

 **Extra Note:** You never know what you'll enjoy until you read it. These wonderful stories might take you out of your comfort zone or simply expand it:

Three's A Crowd? by RobzBeanie

Experiment Me This by Mortissues

Both stories and authors can be found in my favourites.


	2. Keeping life and sole together

**Please Note:** **Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **2\. Keeping life and sole together**

I knew what I was when I awoke alone, I just didn't know how I had come to be what I was. Last thing I remembered, I was almost drowning in the sea at the bottom of a cliff, but I didn't know how I got from there to here, wherever here was.

Someone had bitten me. That much I knew for sure. Someone had turned me into a vampire and left me in the middle of a forest all alone. It could have been the Olympic Forest or the Mt Hood Forest, or maybe it was Sherwood Forest.

Now that would have been funny. Men in tights made me laugh—men in green tights especially. Everything was on display for all to see, and nothing of that nature could be taken seriously. Robin Hood and his men were a merry bunch, and those tights just had to be a constant source of amusement.

My throat was burning. I sniffed the air. Could I hunt? Would it be instinctive? Would I sink my teeth into Little John if he were to come strolling through the forest, or was his quarry more my cup of tea?

Something not quite delicious caught my attention. The smell was a bit off, but the blood was pumping, so I ran. Hunting came naturally after all, but the disgust afterwards, when I looked down on the mangled, desiccated body of a large feline, well, that was inherent from before, when I was…

My name eluded me.

I checked my pockets for something to identify myself with, but all I had on me was a quarter in my front jeans pocket and in my back one, a silvery, broken fragment from a compact disc—the sort that was used for home recording. I twirled it round and around, fascinated by how the shiny surface caught the light.

In my former life, this little shard of brittle plastic would have been sharp enough to slash my wrists, but now… Now, I was more than strong enough to crush it between finger and thumb and blow the dust away.

The dust hung in the air like silver glitter, and there in the back of my mind, just out of reach, was the faintest glimmer of a memory of something sparkling in the sunlight.

…

My sister arrived just in time to stop me from seeking out my own demise. And she didn't even need her precognitive skills to know exactly what her "dumb, overdramatic ass of a brother" would try to do, apparently.

While I'd been occupied tracking Victoria, Alice had been tracking me, keeping just enough distance between the two of us for me to remain oblivious. I didn't even make it to the airport before I was being thrown head first into the back of a small, yellow car and driven right to the heart of the nearby Parque Nacional. If I hadn't been starving myself for months on end, I'd have put up a fight. As it was, I was a mere shadow of my former self.

Alice force fed me, and then she read me the riot act. I'd heard it all before, but it wasn't usually me that was on the receiving end. My poor, hapless brother slipped up a lot, and I'm not just talking about his dietary blunders. Alice's otherwise chirpy demeanour gave the impression she was all sweetness and light, but I knew better. I knew her better than anyone. I heard her thoughts and knew exactly what she kept hidden. Manipulative was her middle name and emotional blackmail was her speciality.

She "hauled my ass" to Alaska and put me under the very watchful eyes of our three single, female cousins. Watchful eyes and roaming hands, and my God, I had never had to twist and turn like that, even to avoid Bella's amorous advances.

Bella. My mate. Gone.

I had thought a vampire couldn't survive the passing of its mate. And yet, here I was. Surviving. Barely.

In order to avoid molestation, I stayed in my cell of a bedroom, only braving the outside world and three pairs of overzealous hands when my eyes were too black to be considered sensible.

My closet was packed with new clothes, thanks to Alice, but I refused to get changed and refused to wash. Had I been human, no woman would have wanted to come within a thirty mile radius of me. Unfortunately, I was a vampire, and even in my shredded and dirty clothes, it appeared my scent and my virginity were akin to catnip to my unmated female cousins.

They were relentless in their mental endeavours to break my resolve. Their thoughts veered back and forth from suggestive and sensual to lewd and pornographic. They didn't care whether they had me one after the other or all three at once, so long as they had me. They believed the cure for a lost mate was fornication.

Eventually, I capitulated. Well, a small part of me did. No, make that a large part, or two large parts if you count my right hand. I took a very long shower, and not a cold one, you understand. It was hours long, fuelled by a constant barrage of sexually explicit imagery that would have given even Emmett a run for his money. I was spent, literally.

And then they started all over again.

Alice, meanwhile, had gone to meet up with Jasper. The pair returned to Forks to pay their respects at Bella Swan's funeral and trawl for information about her death. Her body was presumed lost at sea. One of the Quileute tribesmen had seen her jump and attempted a rescue, but he himself was found washed up and barely alive on First Beach. If he hadn't lived to tell the tale, her disappearance would have been a complete mystery.

…

I ran in circles. I was too scared to leave the relative safety of the forest, too afraid of coming into contact with any humans. I ran, and I hunted, and I sat high up in a tree, staring into space trying to remember my name.

How could I know what I was, but not know my own name?

I had to get my act together. At some point, I'd need new clothes. The ones I was wearing were much tighter in certain areas than they must have been when I was human. Did vampirism enhance all aspects of the human body? Bigger boobs and a curvier butt for girls and… oh my… for boys.

In the darkest depths of the forest, I hid myself away and closed my eyes. Flickers of memory flashed across my eyelids in an array of autumnal colours and shades. Human faces and inhuman faces. No names. No recognition. No feeling.

After my next hunt, I found a dirty pool of water and took a good look at myself. And I was hot! A hot mess! Not really. I was a mess though. I looked like I'd been thoroughly drenched in seawater (which I had) then dragged across a sandy beach, through some very wet mud and finally pulled through a hedge backwards several times over.

My hair was tangled and matted and full of enough leaves and twigs to keep me camouflaged in the forest for the rest of time. My clothes were definitely straining to cover my new physique and ragged from all the hedge pulling.

My sneakers were the only item that looked unchanged. They were just as filthy as they had always been, and the soles were still beginning to separate from the uppers. Now that was something I could remember with certain clarity. I must have looked down at my feet for much of my human life for that one to stick.

Testing the flexibility of my new and improved body, I folded myself in half and sniffed. Eww. Human me did not air her shoes. I would definitely be needing new sneakers. I had to find my way out of the forest and somehow obtain some kind of replacement clothing. With only a quarter to my forgotten name, that could be tricky.

In the back of my mind, I felt sure I once knew someone who'd be more than willing to help me with this project. If only they were here now.


	3. It's getting harder

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **3\. It's getting harder**

As the sun rose high above the forest, I got my bearings and ran north, scents and sounds assaulting me and, at times, distracting me from my course.

Each time I killed, I was overcome with revulsion at the sight of the corpse. Each time, I hated what I was a little bit more, but how much more intense might that loathing have been had my prey been human? When I crashed through the undergrowth into small campsite, I realised that question might be answered sooner than I'd expected.

A tent had been pitched to one side of the clearing, and in the centre, between a couple of rotting logs, there was a still smouldering fire with delicate wisps of purple smoke rising from the hot ash.

I turned in all directions, taking in breath after breath. What I presumed to be the scent of human blood, the scent that had venom dripping from the corners of my mouth, was faint in the air. The humans had long gone.

The other scent, the one coming from the smoke, had my already ice cold body frozen stiff. How I could know what that was and not know my own name was beyond me. I needed to get away from there.

I crawled inside the tent and found two backpacks, one of which was filled with women's clothing. I pulled up the drawcord and it snapped in my hands. With a more delicate touch, I fastened the clasps of the flap, put the bag on my back and then made off toward the setting sun.

…

Torture, sheer torture. I did not know how much more I could endure.

Vampires were supposed to be indestructible, give or take some dismemberment and a naked flame. Vampires were supposed to be immune to wear and tear and repetitive strain, but the excessive chafing of granite on granite couldn't be a good thing, could it? What if it wore away? What if it fell off?

After decades of living with a family of six mated vampires and not once feeling the need to abuse myself in this way—not until I met Bella, and even then I had maintained control of the urge—I just couldn't stop.

There was no let-up in my cousins' thoughts and no let-up in their persistent groping. I tried promising that I would hunt regularly and not run off to Italy if they would let me leave, but they just laughed.

I tried to make a break for it during a hunt, but was immediately crippled from just below the belt. It wasn't easy to run in that condition, even as a vampire, and to add to the indignity, the three of them smirked and snorted at my predicament all the way back to the house.

I had not had one moment to wallow or examine the errors I'd made that led to the loss of my mate. I hadn't had one minute to myself that didn't involve three tiled walls, a glass screen and a shower head, and even then there were three sets of highly invasive thoughts in my head.

Where was my family? Why hadn't they come for me? Alice had called a couple of times, she had even permitted me talk to my brother for five whole minutes, but I hadn't heard or seen sight nor hair of my parents or my other two siblings. And where were Carmen and Eleazar?

...

The house was strangely familiar. I'd come across it at the very edge of the forest, and although there was the tiniest taste of human in the air, it was intermingled with the scents of several of my own kind.

Shrouded in darkness, I scaled the back of the building to the one window that was cracked slightly open, as if someone knew I'd need an easy way in.

The occupants had obviously departed in a hurry. Closet doors had been left wide open, dresser drawers half shut, and the bed was stripped of all but the rumpled bottom sheet.

Something caught my eye from under the bed: a small, fine toothed comb made out of ivory with a strip of embossed silver affixed to the top edge. It was the kind of item that came as part of a dressing table set, together with a brush and mirror. A treasured heirloom.

Taking the backpack from my shoulders, I undid the clasps and tipped the contents out onto the bed to sort through them. There were several soft T-shirts, a couple of button front shirts, a pair of jeans, some track pants, three pairs of underwear and some socks.

All the clothing had a somewhat tempting aroma to it, reminding me of how human clothes might absorb cooking smells from foods like onions sweating in a pan. It was tolerable, nothing that would send me into a frenzy or anything, but it was there.

Aside from some snack bars, a battered survival guide and a cigarette lighter, the only other items were a small travel towel and a wash bag containing a bar of soap, some shampoo and conditioner. I picked up the toiletries, the towel and the antique comb and wandered through the open door to the bathroom.

The first thing I noticed when I looked in the mirror was my eyes. I'd registered the difference when I'd looked at myself in the pool in the forest, but here, reflected in a proper glass, there was no mistaking the colour. They were deep red.

Had I not known what I was, I would have been shocked to the core. Even though I felt sure I'd met a red-eyed vampire in my human life, and the very thought of it filled me with fear, I was not overly surprised by this part of my own appearance. What did concern me, however, was that I couldn't recall what colour my eyes had been before.

Combing the muck out of my hair took hours, as much because I was terrified of breaking the delicate comb as anything else. I showered in cold water, not that it mattered that much to me, and dried myself fastidiously with the small towel before dressing in some of my newly acquired clothes.

The jeans were a decent fit, the T-shirt a little snug and the shirt okay once the sleeves were rolled up. I ditched my old bra, which was now too small, but fortunately, my enhanced chest didn't exactly require artificial support.

I took the broken drawcord from the backpack and used it to tie my damp hair back into a braid then looked down at my bare feet. I either had to put the stinky, dilapidated sneakers back on or risk standing out in a crowd. Not that I intended to be in any crowds, but still.

With my backpack refilled, I put it on and explored the rest of the house.

Downstairs in the main room, there were indentations in the carpets, hinting at the outlines of missing pieces of furniture—a sofa, maybe, an armchair and possibly a grand piano. Some items remained, but they were covered with dust sheets. I walked past the dining room, casting a cursory glance at the cloth covered table, and into the kitchen. The cupboards were bare except for a small box of dried lasagne noodles, a can of chopped tomatoes and some basil. Odd.

The scents in the house were muted but they nudged at the corners of my elusive human memories. I tiptoed back upstairs and sniffed at every mattress, trying to sense something, feel something.

One scent in particular was vaguely arousing, but then the other one that mingled with it on the bed made me bristle. Another mattress brought a wave of longing mixed with deep disappointment. The next had me wanting to cry for my brother and sister, but I was certain I hadn't had siblings in my human life.

Passing a study lined with empty bookshelves, I took the stairs two at a time to the top floor, and my nostrils were assaulted by a powerful scent.

The room was light and airy. The largest wall was lined with narrow shelves, the sort that would hold a library of CDs, and opposite that was floor to ceiling glass.

At the far end of the room there was a black leather sofa. I inched toward it slowly, holding my breath until I was close enough to bend and press my nose to the leather. Two scents, not one. One human, one vampire. And I was furious.

The rage hit me full force. I turned and ran back downstairs to the window through which I had entered the house and jumped down into the forest, heading back the way I'd come and then some.


	4. Don't know a thing about it

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **4\. Don't know a thing about it**

Had I had any blood of my own left in my system, I'd have said it boiled. And yet, other than the scents in that house, I could find no discernible reason for my anger.

Feet pounding over and over, I ran as far south as I dared before looping back around and running until I hit the very edge of the forest and a sheer drop into the ocean. I didn't even stop to think. I propelled myself forward, leaping up into the air and over the edge of the cliff then dropping head first into the sea below.

The fluidity of movement, the way my arms gracefully came to a perfect point below my head to make my entry into the water almost splash free, surprised me. I cut through the water for about twenty feet before I needed to use my arms and legs to propel myself further.

Instead of heading toward the land mass across the channel, I swam against the current and out into open waters, skirting along the coastline for some miles before I put my feet down and strode out of the water onto a sandy beach.

My backpack had done a reasonable job of keeping my things dry, but I decided to stay dressed as I was in my cold, wet clothes. Chafing was no longer an issue for me.

Climbing up into the dense greenery of the forest, I detected a new, not so delicious scent and moved stealthily through the trees. Several minutes later I was on my knees, sucking the lifeblood out of large black bear, but alongside the usual distress that followed a hunt, I felt a sense of… elation? No, pride. How I wished my big brother could have been there to see me.

Big brother? I didn't have one though, did I?

…

Carlisle finally came to my rescue. He explained some things of which I had been unaware—things that I might have been able to consider on my own, had my mind been free to do so.

My family had uprooted their lives, against their better judgement, at my request. They didn't begrudge it, my turn was long overdue after all, but all of them felt responsible and guilty for their part in what had happened to Bella. My actions, my wishes, my most fateful decision had torn my family asunder.

Rosalie and Emmett intended to remain in Europe for the foreseeable future and had no inclination to come home. Emmett was devastated and could not forgive himself for failing his little sister. The woman with the toughest shell was beside herself with fury that I'd gotten involved in the first place, and that I'd handled our departure so poorly. She couldn't forgive me for that or the pain her husband was in.

Carlisle and Esme had settled in Ithaca—Carlisle teaching at Cornell and Esme restoring their new home. They were now in mourning and wracked with guilt for supporting their son at the expense of their newest daughter.

Jasper, who was supposed to have been studying at the university, had been crippled by a different type of guilt and had been unable to stay put for more than a few days at a time. He believed himself to be the catalyst that brought about my decision to leave Bella, and Alice, distraught at the loss of her best friend, could not help but remind him of it again and again.

After paying their respects in Forks, the pair had attempted to make a life in Ithaca but quickly decided it was time to go their separate ways—she in search of her human past, he who knows where.

With the coast clear, Esme felt my place was at home, assisting her with the renovations. It would be a different form of house arrest to my previous one, being under the watchful eyes of my mother, not to mention being subjected to her unspoken reproaches. I suspected I was about to be tortured in a way more suited to my personality, but it would still be torture, nonetheless.

...

I'd been on the move for days, traversing snow clad mountains, gradually working my way northwest.

My sneakers had reacted pretty badly to a second and more prolonged dose of salt water and had finally given up the ghost. They literally disintegrated, falling off my feet and leaving a trail of bits that would have been the envy of Hansel and Gretel. If I had come across a human, they would have been dumbfounded by the lack of frostbitten toes, assuming that is that they had lasted long enough in my presence to notice.

Crossing over one river, I soon came to another. I decided to follow this one to its source. I snacked on animals as they presented themselves, and for the first time since my awakening into this life, I felt slightly uncomfortable. Perhaps two wolves and a moose was a little greedy, even for me.

To give myself time to digest my three course meal, I found a perch high up in a spruce tree and surveyed my surroundings. The view was stunning, the colours rich and intense, but I had no idea where I was.

My sightseeing was interrupted by the soft sounds of more than one pair of feet running in my direction. They were moving far too fast to be human, but nevertheless, I held my breath and pricked up my ears, waiting for them to pass me by. They didn't.

The three blonde vampires stopped abruptly in the centre of the tiny clearing below my perch and laughed. Well, two of them laughed, the other one looked slightly pained.

"Oh, I'm so going to miss him. Aren't you, Irina?"

"I really thought he'd have given in. Silly boy doesn't have any idea what he's missing, Kate," said the other laughing blonde. "I mean, how could any man resist us?"

She had a point. All three had beauty in abundance and each had the sort of sexy, voluptuous, hourglass figure that was rarely seen in my size zero obsessed generation. My own newly developed curves did not compare.

"It might have been a game to you two," said the serious one, "but I care for him a great deal."

"Sorry, Tanya. We didn't expect things to go that far, but the boy is too damned stubborn for his own good. That's how he got himself into this mess in the first place."

"I want him to want me," said Tanya, burying her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking.

My breath caught, and I choked back a sob of my own. I knew that feeling, right down in the very depths of my being. I just didn't know why I knew it.

I looked down again to see three sets of golden yellow eyes staring up at me. I had to swallow down the ire that seeing those eyes had caused to build within me.

"Hello," Irina said. "Who are you?"

I shook my head. What could I say?

"Are you alone?" she asked again.

I nodded.

"A newborn? Alone? That's highly unlikely," Kate said, looking around the clearing furtively.

I didn't understand. What was a newborn, and if I was one, how could they tell?

"Where is your sire?" Irina asked

"My what?"

"The one that made you into what you are now."

Ah. "There's only me."

The three of them looked at each other and frowned. I suspected there might be some kind of private conversation going on between them.

"Here," Tanya said, reaching an arm up in my direction and beckoning me with her fingers. "Come down. You look like you could do with a wash and some fresh clothes. Our cabin isn't far from here."

Her voice was kind, warm and compassionate. I dropped to the ground and took hold of the hand she was offering. She squeezed my hand gently then lowered her upper body slightly so she could look up into my face without being threatening.

"You don't know your name, do you?" she asked.

"No. I can't remember, not since I…"

"But you know what you are."

"Vampire," I whispered.

"I'm Tanya," she said, then gesturing to either side of us, "and these are my sisters, Kate and Irina. Let's go up to the cabin and get you cleaned up."


	5. You must be joking!

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **5\. You must be joking!**

The scent. _His_ scent. I was beyond furious.

I had noticed it the second we entered the cabin. Just a faint whisper in the air, a smidgen of a taste on my tongue, teasing me and raising my hackles. As we ascended the stairs, the strength of the scent increased until we were standing in the bedroom just outside the open door of the bathroom.

My body shook. I closed my eyes as strange thoughts flooded my mind. How dare he! How dare he do _that_ without me! How dare he leave me to die and find release in that way. What kind of man does that? What?

"Kate, put your hand on her. She's losing control!"

"What do you think I'm doing? Look where my hand is! I'm giving it everything I've got, and it's having no effect on her. It's as if she's blocking me somehow."

"We need Eleazar."

"Do you think we can keep her here until he arrives?"

"Let's get her outside. Perhaps some clean air will help."

…

The car journey was long and quiet, if you ignored the fact that Carlisle was singing the full libretto of Puccini's Turandot in Italian in his head the whole time. He never did boast about that particular friendship. Well, not out loud anyway.

I loathed being the passenger, and I loathed it even more when Carlisle was playing at being dad, driving by the book, obeying every speed limit even on the straightest, most open of roads with not a human in sight. Why couldn't we have flown?

When he reached the last chorus, I relaxed into my seat once more. Maybe now he would think of something else. No! Please! Not my cousins!

"Only you could resist them, Edward," he said with a wry smile.

"It was horrific, Carlisle!"

"The point is, Edward, their intention initially was merely to offer physical affection, some comfort in your despair, but you didn't show any response. It was as if your mind was closed. Then Kate and Irina came up with a new plan. They expected a reaction of some kind—you surprised them, quite honestly—but they'd never have taken it as far as to subject you to something against your will, Edward. The minute you'd fallen into one set of arms…"

"You must be joking!"

"No."

"How could I not read that in their minds?"

"Only you can answer that. In any case, it wouldn't have done you any harm to succumb to one of them. The family are at one on this matter, Edward. Your inability to forge physical bonds with others, your sexual repression, if you will, is at the root of all your worst decisions."

"What?"

"It's high time you got over this nonsense of waiting for marriage, Edward. No normal person would be prepared to wait almost a century as you have. You are a vampire. There are only so many physical urges we can deny ourselves, and we already deny the most fundamental one."

"But Bella… It should have been with Bella."

"Edward, you and I both know that you'd never have allowed yourself to be with Bella in that way."

"That's not true!"

"It is true and you know it. You only ever believed yourself capable of the act were she a vampire, and you never intended to change her. You have to recognise that there is something seriously wrong with that. You desired her in every way, and she desired you back. Perhaps if you'd acted upon it, you wouldn't have been able to leave her."

"Or perhaps I'd have killed her in the process."

"Don't interrupt, Edward!" His grip on the wheel tightened infinitesimally, then he blew out an unnecessary breath. "I could put it down to the timing of your change, or the deep seated moral values of the times you grew up in, but attaching so much weight, so much importance to the act of sex for so long is damaging to your mental health."

"So you're saying I should just have at it with anyone and everyone now she's gone, are you?"

"I'm saying you should allow yourself to form relationships that can give you some physical comfort. Allow yourself to touch and be touched and get some release without leaving you feeling empty. There are many forms of love and not every relationship has to be "the one."

"Says the man who has been happily married to his "the one" for decades."

"Esme isn't the only woman I have loved, Edward. There were others before her, less significant with hindsight, I grant you, but they were wonderful women all the same."

This I already knew, though he'd never openly admitted it. He'd thought about his encounters with those women on and off for as long as I could remember, usually when he was alone in the shower. And usually, I'd go for a run, but now I was trapped in his Mercedes, seeing inside his head as he recalled a series of beautiful, voluptuous women in various states of undress.

Given my recent torment, the effect on my body was instantaneous. I silently begged for him to stop, because I really didn't want to be adjusting myself while sitting beside him in his car. The way he was talking, I wouldn't put it past him to reconsider my sexual preferences and offer himself up as a candidate for intimacy.

Fortunately, his thoughts soon turned to his wife. "And my relationship with Esme hasn't been without issue," he said. "There's been no infidelity, as you know, but it's taken work on both sides. A vampire's life is a long one, Edward. Everything can become repetitive if you let it."

Had I been a human, I'd have been all shades of red. As it was, I was feeling decidedly queasy. No one—and I mean no one—wants to think of their parents having sex, even when they are adoptive parents, and if there was one couple I'd successfully learned to shut out of my mind on long winters' nights, it was Carlisle and Esme.

Carlisle was giving me a lot to think about, too much if you counted all the visuals, but maybe that was where I'd been going wrong. Thinking too much had gotten me precisely nowhere, but why everyone thought sex was a cure-all was beyond my comprehension, even as a mind reader.

…

"Intriguing," the male vampire said, walking a circle around me like I was an exhibit in a museum.

"I am?" I asked, but he was mid-seminar, and I wasn't one of those being addressed.

"She doesn't appear to have any detectable gift. In fact, she appears to be perfectly ordinary. Quite unassuming," he said, regarding each member of his audience in turn. Then, turning back to face me, he grinned and said, "No offence."

Yeah, thanks! Talk about me as if I'm not here, why don't you? Just because that was how I'd always described myself, it didn't mean I wanted someone else to say it.

"None taken," I said politely.

"It's like she has some sort of coating. Everything simply glides off her. There's no penetration."

There was a lot I could have said about that. Firstly, I was not a non-stick frying pan from the surface of which your omelette would slide smoothly onto your plate. And no penetration? Seriously? The thought of living an eternity with my new and improved curves and no chance of any penetration did not fill me with joy.

"Is she a shield?" Kate asked.

No, I'm a stealth vampire, a bit like one of those expensive planes used by the U.S. military. You can call me Nighthawk.

"Probably, but I couldn't say for sure," said Eleazar, stroking his chin. "I find her very difficult to read."

What did he say? Oh no, he's got to be kidding me! I've heard that said of me before.


	6. Wish Ourselves Away

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **6\. Wish Ourselves Away**

Tanya sighed and looked out at the darkening sky. "Eleazar said something that set you off, didn't he?"

I wrapped my arms tightly around my bent legs, counting slowly to a hundred, just as she'd suggested when she first found me there, curled up on a ledge halfway up the side of a mountain.

"Yes," I whispered, "when he said I was difficult to read." That, and he was rude.

"Hmm. And in the cabin?"

"I… don't know," I said, resting my forehead on my knees.

"I think you do, but I can wait until you're ready to tell me. You might not believe me, but you are remarkably stable for a newborn, and you seem to know how to rein in your strength too. It's impressive."

"Thank you."

"You knew what you were when you woke up to this life, didn't you?" I nodded against my knees. "Either your sire read you chapter and verse during the early part of your change, or you knew something of our kind beforehand, and that possibility worries me no end."

I turned my head to look at her face. "How old are you?"

She smiled. "Much older than I look."

"Your eyes… Why are they golden yellow?"

"Human blood drinkers' eyes are red, as are those of a newborn such as yourself, though a vampire with black eyes is one of three things: thirsty, angry or aroused." She winked. "My sisters and I follow an unusual diet for our kind, as do Carmen and Eleazar. We drink only from animals."

"Oh, I do that too."

"Little one, your clothes reek of human, and despite the state of them, they don't appear to be from before your change."

"They're not. I found them."

"So, tell me then, how did you know to feed from animals?"

"I'm not sure I did. I knew what I was, and I didn't want to kill anyone."

"Interesting," she said, looking out at the stars. "There aren't many vegetarian vampires that I'm aware of."

"Oh," I said, suddenly feeling like the world was spinning too fast.

…

The house appeared dark and austere in the waning daylight, and it was most definitely falling apart at the seams, much like my family.

Esme had launched herself into the project, desperate for some respite from the guilt she was feeling for deserting her newest daughter in favour of her first son. It was no wonder none of my siblings wanted to be there, Jasper in particular.

She was intent on restoring the property to its former, imposing glory. Much of the exterior work had been held back for me to do—painstakingly, at human speed, on a scaffold that I neither required nor wanted.

Esme's intention was to set me to work the moment I got out of the car. I attempted to plead exhaustion after such a long journey, but she curtly reminded me that vampires do not get tired. I muttered something about telling that to my right hand and she clipped me round the ear and told me not to be so vulgar.

Picking up my bags, I followed her inside to view the interior of the house. She had made only the master bedroom and its adjacent bathroom habitable, but not particularly comfortable. In fact, it looked downright depressing and explained why Carlisle had chosen to drive to and from Denali, and why he had left for his office at the university the minute I'd got out of his car.

The room allocated to me was horrendous. The dated orange and brown wallpaper peeling off the walls was the least of its problems. The fireplace was full of rubble from the collapsing chimney above; a good number of the floorboards were missing, and those that remained were dented and scuffed; the ceiling had a bulge it and was badly water stained, presumably because of the many dislodged or missing roof tiles, and the windows had all been painted shut using the same ghastly shade of orange found in the wallpaper.

There was no furniture to speak of, but that was clearly irrelevant because my room was way down at the bottom of Esme's schedule after the kitchen, downstairs cloakroom, study, reception rooms, bedrooms and bathrooms for the other members of the family, and the garden.

I dropped my bags onto my dilapidated floor and followed her outside to erect the scaffold before the sun came up. Then the real work started.

Honestly, I wouldn't have minded losing myself in the slow precision of my labour. I'd always enjoyed working with my hands while my mind was allowed to wander freely. Esme, however, did not go in search of reclaimed tiles and cast iron gutters. Nor did she shop for period paint charts, hand blocked wallpapers and antique furniture. Instead, she climbed the scaffold and worked right alongside me, singing a variety of carefully selected song lyrics in her head about surviving and a form of healing I'd rather not have learned about from my adoptive mother.

As the days passed, her internal playlist was occasionally interrupted by thoughts of Carlisle and how they had both christened every room in the house upon their arrival. It certainly explained the missing floorboards in my room and the damage to the tiles in one of the ancient bathrooms, but the bizarre mix of tasteless music and sexual imagery left me reeling.

I suppose it could have been worse, but as expected, I had exchanged one form of mental torture for another, the only difference being that this one was being exacted under the guise of motherly love.

…

"I can't go back to the cabin," I said.

"I guessed as much," Tanya replied.

"And I don't think Eleazar likes me very much."

She laughed. "He isn't normally like that, but you brought out the detective in him and then left him without any answers."

I suppressed a grin of gloating satisfaction. "Why don't you feed from humans?" I asked, returning us to our earlier conversation.

"We used to, my sisters and I, for many centuries. We've always enjoyed the company of human males," she said wistfully, "and—"

"We can, um, you know, with humans?"

She laughed at my interruption. "Indeed we can, but carnal desire goes hand in hand with biting for our kind, and we found the result increasingly distressing. We discovered we could survive without our natural food source, and with practice, we learned to be intimate with our companions without killing them. Now all our lovers leave us with their blood pumping through their veins and a smile on their faces."

"But why put yourself through that?"

"Because we enjoy the physical contact, the warmth, being desired, giving and receiving pleasure."

"But with a human?"

"I've only ever met one vampire I wanted to be with, and I've lived for a very long time. There aren't as many civilised vampires as you might think. Most are cruel, possessive and bloodthirsty, constantly fighting over their territories. Aside from our coven and one similar, most are either human blood drinking nomads, or they belong to one of the large armies in the south. Then there are the Volturi."

I frowned, knowing that name was familiar to me, but not being able to place where, when or why. Tanya and I looked each other in the eye until she was ready to continue.

"The Volturi are, to all intents and purposes, the rulers of the vampire world. They exact judgment on anyone who breaks their laws."

"Which are?"

"To never expose what we are. All humans that know of our existence must become one of us or be slaughtered."

"That's why you were worried that I might have known before my change?"

"Yes. I was worried that someone had been careless. You appear to know entirely too much for a newborn who has been alone since awakening."

"Oh."

"There is one other law," she said, lowering her voice, "the one my own sire and mother broke. We must never ever change a human child. Child vampires show no discretion, no control and can never be taught to do so. They feed at will, openly and indiscriminately."

Her eyes pierced mine as she held my gaze.

"And the penalty for breaking either law is death. Decapitation, dismemberment and incineration."

I shuddered, suddenly feeling the need to be on the move again.

"Where will you go?" she asked as I stood up and adjusted my backpack.

"I don't know. I don't even know where I am," I said, holding up a hand to stop her from telling me, "and I don't want to know. It makes no difference to me. I can make my own way."

I had a feeling that taking care of myself, and indeed, finding my own way in life, had been my normality prior to my change. I was comfortable with that.


	7. Around and around

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **7\. Around and around**

For days I wandered aimlessly through the forest in my bare feet, climbing up and down mountains and wading through mud, mulch and snow.

Every so often I stopped to hunt, and while I was lost in the process of sucking each animal dry, I was fine, but each time I finished, the retching and the wretchedness soon followed. I couldn't dispose of the bodies quick enough, but burying them did little to alleviate my revulsion.

Despite carefully skirting around all signs of humanity, I came across the scent of human blood many a time, and I couldn't help but notice how much more appealing those scents were in comparison to those of the local wildlife. I kept reminding myself that while blood quenched my thirst, being the angel of death for any living creature was anything but satisfying. I hoped that would be enough to keep me in control, should I be truly tested.

I suppose it was also inevitable, in such a shadowy wilderness, that I would encounter the scent trails of my own kind again. Most belonged to Tanya's coven, but one very faint scent seemed awfully familiar.

With my nose almost to the ground, I allowed myself to be drawn along a foot worn path through the densest of thickets to a two storey cabin, tucked so out of the way no human would be likely to come across it.

The cabin was far larger than the one Tanya and her family lived in, and it was shrouded by trees and overgrown shrubs that hadn't been cut back in years. Had it been inhabited, I might have been in a bit of a predicament, but fortunately, it appeared to be completely deserted.

I was long overdue a wash and a change of clothes, so I circled the cabin twice, climbing up to the second floor, trying to find a way in without causing any damage. Why that was important to me, though, I couldn't say.

Both the front and back doors were locked tight, as were the metal shutters covering each and every window. There was, however, a small outbuilding at the back of the cabin, about the size of a garden shed. Its windows were like glass letterboxes, set way above eye level. The door was held shut by two heavy bolts, and there was a set of D-rings to take a padlock, but there wasn't one in place.

I drew back the bolts, the clanking noise echoing in the stillness of the forest, and pushed the door inward, surprised at what I saw inside. Instead of hunting gear, gardening tools, wooden-handled axes and chopping blocks, the room was modern and tiled throughout. The floor sloped gently toward the centre of the room where there was a metal grid covering a drain, and slightly off to one side above it, a giant shower head hung down from the ceiling.

On the opposite side of the room there was a granite countertop. It had an old-fashioned, butler sink set into one end and a washer and a dryer underneath the remainder. The shelving above housed a box of washing powder, some cleaning materials and a stack of white towels.

Looking down at my mud-caked feet and jeans and my blood splattered shirt, I began to understand why the owners of a home situated in this neck of the woods might need such a room separate from the main cabin.

Stepping inside, I closed the door behind me, and there on the back of it, hanging on a hook, was a pair of knee length, fur lined, lace-up boots. There were traces of dried mud on the soles and on the brown leather, but otherwise, they were in good condition and looked as if they might fit me.

I flipped the red power switch above the countertop, stripped off my clothes, shoved them in the washer with some powder and turned it on. I rifled through my backpack for my toiletries and walked across the room to inspect the shower control.

As the hot water cascaded over my body, I washed the blood out my hair and the mud off my legs and feet and watched it running down the drain.

…

Why am I always last?" I asked Carlisle as he held the bathroom door open for Esme, the steam from his shower billowing out into the hallway.

"Ladies first, Edward," he said, winking at his mate. My fingers were in danger of shredding the only decent towel I had left. I opened my mouth to point out the obvious error in that statement, but Esme walked past giggling and shut the door behind her. "And besides, you're the cleanest of hunters."

I glanced down at my mud-caked jeans and ran my fingers through my blood splattered hair. I was losing my touch and sharing just the one bathroom after a hunt was frustrating beyond words.

"If you'd only let me hunt alone, this wouldn't be an issue," I said.

Carlisle winced as a vivid image of me on my knees on the stone floor of an ancient chamber filled his mind, my head grasped firmly in the hands of a brawny, red-eyed vampire. I knew that chamber. It was depicted in the oil painting hanging on Carlisle's study wall.

"I've already lost a daughter, Edward," he whispered, "I will not lose a son as well."

I couldn't blame him. Neither could I convince him that I was no longer considering ending my own life, because I had tried to get away on a couple of occasions.

You would have thought as the fastest runner in the family, I could have escaped them, but no. My cousins had gleefully shared their technique for crippling me mid-run with Carlisle, and he in turn had taken great delight in imparting it to Esme.

I would never have imagined either of them could affect me so much, but Carlisle had somehow picked up on my physical reaction to his thoughts in his car and had used it to his advantage. Twice.

Esme, on the other hand, hadn't had to go quite so far. As soon as she had visualised herself on her knees in front of her husband, I had ground to a halt, turned back and begged her to stop. She had not caused me an erection, but I'd been damned if I would to find out if she could by allowing her continue.

"Do you two enjoy torturing your son?" I'd asked her.

"Better we torture you than you torture yourself, Edward," she'd replied, raising an eyebrow.

Needless to say, after these foiled attempts at escape, I didn't dare risk another.

Esme eventually took pity on me, moved one of the other bathrooms to the top of her schedule and then made me do all the work. There was no point rushing it either, much as I might want to, because with my mother, substandard workmanship would not be tolerated.

My first shower in the new bathroom was blissful, initially. I was aware that my parents were taking a bath together on the opposite side of house, and that they were trying to keep quiet for my sake, but their thoughts were unavoidable. And my cousins had turned me into Pavlov's dog.

The moment the idea entered her mind, I knew what Esme intended to do to Carlisle. He was generous to a fault, or at least that was my understanding of the situation. He closed his eyes so I couldn't see my mother and recalled one of his particularly voluptuous lovers of old pressing her bare breasts up against his back while reaching around to hold him firmly with both hands.

I leaned my forehead against the cold tile, closed my own eyes and went with it, only opening them again to watch my semen running down the drain. I didn't feel gratified in the slightest. I felt lonely, desperate and depraved.

…

While my clothes tumbled in the dryer, and the towels I'd used to dry myself and wipe the floor turned in the washer, I sniffed at every corner of the room, eventually poking my nose into the boots. That was when I realised that the vampires that owned the house in which I'd found the antique comb must also own the cabin.

The boots held a hint of the same sisterly scent I'd detected on the third mattress, and what had drawn me there was the arousing male scent from the first. I shuddered at the memory of the other scents I'd encountered there, suddenly relieved that I had not been able to enter the main cabin and wanting to get as far away as possible.

The second the dryer beeped, I started to retrieve my clothes and get dressed, forcing myself to slow down when I pulled up the zipper on my jeans. Reaching back in for my shirt, I noticed a garment in the dryer that wasn't mine—a large, pale grey, zip-up hoodie. I held it to my nose and breathed deeply. It smelled of washing powder and something else far stronger: the scent of the brother I didn't have.

Setting the hoodie down on the counter, I put my shirt on over my T-shirt and slowly did up the buttons. I fetched some socks from my backpack and slipped one socked foot into a fur-lined boot. It was a little too roomy, so I added another pair of socks over the first, pulled on both boots and laced them up carefully.

After hanging the wet towels to dry on the hook on the back of the door, I flipped the power switch, pulled on the hoodie, slung my backpack over one shoulder and stepped out warily into the darkness.

The bolts clanged loudly when I slid them home, the noise ringing in my ears as I ran through the trees, heading in what I hoped was a southerly direction.


	8. It's not me you see

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **8\. It's not me you see**

Not much had changed over time. I still didn't know where I was, when I was or who I was, but I had covered a lot of ground in my lace-up boots, not that I wore them all the time.

Human beings are extremely careless with their possessions, always leaving something behind in their wake. I found several pairs of mislaid hiking boots and sneakers on my travels and many items of discarded clothing too, though I had little use for the secondhand thongs and flimsy brassieres I found hanging from trees and bushes.

Edging closer and closer to civilisation, I tested myself time after time, sitting high up in trees on the perimeters of campsites and parks, and slinking down dark alleyways at night. I loitered on rooftops and in underground parking lots, and I walked down the main streets of smaller towns early in the morning just before sunrise, never staying long enough to get caught in the sun.

Window shopping was swiftly overtaken by dumpster diving, and I discovered all manner of serviceable items, if only I could find a use for them. A few stray hats and scarves came in handy, as did a pair of new sunglasses in a hard case. I found a backpack somewhat bigger than my original one and some notebooks and coloured pens.

I kept my eyes peeled for something to read—a discarded magazine or a romantic novel—and one day, thinking I might have more luck finding a forgotten book on a bus seat, I scoured the sidewalks for lost coins, hoping to find enough for a late night ride. I soon gave up. What little I'd gathered I gave away to a homeless woman that was begging with her child on a street corner.

At night, I was witness to a multitude of human behaviour—the sordid kind, the malevolent kind and the kind that caused human blood to spill—and each time, I managed to restrain myself, turn tail and run for the trees and the nearest moose, deer, wolf, bear or mountain lion, although that last one always left a bitter taste in my mouth.

And yet, despite resisting the most delicious morsels a vampire could wish for, I still couldn't stomach my own form of minor butchery. It didn't make sense at all.

If you'd asked me did I want this life, I'd have said emphatically no. If I could have had my human life back, I'd have surely become a vegetarian rather than eat anything that once had blood flowing through it. But even then, the thought of a plate of mushroom ravioli was enough to turn my delicate vampire stomach.

…

The house was beginning to look almost habitable, at least to human eyes. No sooner had I finished painting the kitchen cabinet doors the appropriate shade of stone than Carlisle started bringing home guests for dinner.

He couldn't have been more obvious, even if I hadn't been able to read his mind.

The first girl was a lab technician in her early twenties, and I had to admit, Carlisle knew what he was about. She was beautiful, with long, flowing blonde hair, hazel eyes and an hourglass figure. Esme complimented her on the dress she was wearing while my eyes noticed how it clung to her form deliciously.

She was both intelligent and engaging, and she played the French horn. I saw Carlisle's eyebrows rise when she shared that last detail, and his thoughts swiftly went below the belt, dragging mine with them.

I was polite, finding it easy to show an interest in the conversation, especially once I'd learned that we shared an interest in making music. I even managed to force down some of the human food Esme had prepared, knowing full well I'd have to choke it back later, because I was actually enjoying myself.

But... she wasn't Bella.

Our next house guest came for coffee one Sunday morning. This woman was a little older and most definitely Carlisle's type. Esme kept smirking behind her hand as the woman showed far more interest in him than me, and I noted the briefest flash of excitement and anticipation in my mother's thoughts. Whatever she was hoping for later, I would be sure to be in the shower.

The third visitor was a low blow by anyone's standards. She was one of Carlisle's PhD students and a long way from her home in Arizona. She was petite, with long, brown, wavy hair, deep brown eyes and a heart shaped face. And she smelled divine.

I lasted ten minutes in her presence before I had to excuse myself and run out the back of the house into the forest. I wanted her physically because she reminded me so much of Bella, but at the same time the feeling of guilt and remorse that accompanied that desire was overwhelming.

Alone in the forest, I leaned back against a tree, trying to get a hold of myself and resist the urge to undo my pants. It was a futile exercise. My body won out and the resultant shame consumed me.

But I wasn't really alone. I was never alone. Carlisle had followed right behind me and waited, his mind blank, until I'd finished.

"I'm sorry, Edward," he said.

"Why? Why her? You must have known I'd see the similarities."

"I thought it might help."

"I can't replace her, Carlisle, not like that. In any case, it's not just about physical appearances, is it?"

"I know." He took a step toward me.

"I hate myself for what I did to her and to my family. I was so scared of losing control, but in the end I just lost everything. And I don't understand why I'm still here. It should be me that died, not her."

"Don't say that, Edward."

"Answer me this, Carlisle. Why am I okay? Why am I still sane? I thought we weren't supposed to survive the loss of our mate."

"I don't know, son," he said embracing me, "but I'm so grateful you have."

For the first time since we'd left Forks, I collapsed in my father's arms and sobbed.

The guests stopped coming after that.

…

I'd grown accustomed to watching the weather and anticipating change. That's what people did before the weatherman existed, right? They watched the skies, tasted the air, held damp fingers up to check for a change in the wind, and looked at the birds and animals in the forest. My methods weren't foolproof, but they were mine.

On a particularly dull and cloudy day, I ventured out of the forest and into the city. I'd seen a road sign or two, and for once I knew where I was: Eugene, Oregon.

For some reason, I found myself drawn to the university campus, wondering how I might ever be able to take a course of study with no name, no address and no form of identification.

The man in the enquiry office had handed over a prospectus without question, yet I was sure my appearance must have been odd at best. Keeping myself and my clothes clean had been a constant battle, what with my leafy abode and messy eating habits, but I'd found there were places to shower and wash my clothes where no one gave me a second glance.

In the depths of my faulty memory, I was sure humans would want to give me a wide berth, but they didn't. My eyes had eventually changed from blood red to golden yellow, and while I thought they must look weird, the few humans I'd interacted with hadn't seemed to notice.

I ambled down the street, my head in the prospectus, eyeing up the English courses. I knew I was daydreaming. I knew this idea was pie in the sky, but I'd grown tired of my own company and tired of having nothing to stimulate my mind. I wondered if anyone would notice if I stole into the back of a lecture theatre and listened in. I was a stealth vampire, after all.

Of course, I was aware of the change in the wind, of the cloud cover disintegrating and the light increasing, but the sun broke through far sooner than I'd anticipated, and I was momentarily dazzled by the pretty prisms on my hands.


	9. Stay right there

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **9\. Stay right there**

In a flash, I was crouched down in the nearest doorway, trying to keep my face and hands hidden from the broad shaft of sunlight falling on my side of the street.

Setting my backpack down beside me, I pressed myself against the painted wood of the door, hoping against hope that the clouds would shift once more and I could make my escape.

"Are you alright?"

His voice was deep and soft, the sort of voice you could lose yourself in. Sensing that his body had cast a shadow over mine, I dared to raise my head. He was squatting in front of me, his forearms resting across his knees and his face almost level with mine.

His dark brown eyes reminded me of someone, someone I felt sure was important to me, but I couldn't have said who. His face was angular but not sharp, his hair blond but not pale, his lips wide and full, and he was beautiful.

And his scent... was heavenly.

I resisted the pull and held my breath, quickly covering my mouth and nose with one hand. If he had moved away just then, the difference in my skin would have been obvious for all to see. If he had come any closer, I might have shown the street exactly what that difference meant.

"Are you alright?" he asked again. "Your clothes look a bit of a mess." Well, I couldn't argue with that. "Did something happen to you? Are you hurt? Can I take you anywhere?"

"I…"

"Here." He reached out and took my hand from my face, and I felt my eyes open wider as venom pooled in my mouth. "You're freezing! Let me get you inside in the warm."

As he stood, I allowed myself to rise with him, keeping in his shadow and showing just enough resistance to make it look as though he'd helped me up. He was tall and muscular and his body easily hid mine from the sunlight.

He felt inside his jeans pocket and leaned around me with his keys to unlock the door. He pushed it open, and I turned to face some stairs.

"Go on up," he said, and I did, looking back over my shoulder long enough to see him scoop up my backpack before he followed me.

…

Almost a year had passed since Bella's death, and I was still alive, if you could call it that.

Through Esme's and my sheer hard work, the house had been transformed into one of those museum type properties in which every detail is historically correct for the period in which the building was constructed. Behind much of the antique facade, however, we had installed modern plumbing and electricity.

Jasper would have really appreciated everything we had achieved, but he didn't come to visit any more than the rest of my siblings. I had talked to each of them at some point in time, even the elusive Alice. Each wished me well, but that was all. They didn't offer up anything of their own lives. The damage had been done, and it seemed there was little I could do to fix it.

Since the last visitor had left, I'd tried to come to terms with my own actions. I knew all too well that I'd once had everything I could possibly have wanted within my grasp, and I'd thrown it all away for some shortsighted ideals, misguided morals and a pigheaded belief that I knew best.

There was nothing I could do to change the past, but I could make every effort not to repeat the mistakes I'd made.

When the first red-winged blackbird appeared in our garden, Carlisle was preparing for a six month professorial exchange with a university in Switzerland. He'd been offered the position when renewing his contract and was keen to be able to further his research.

Esme was keen to see Rosalie and Emmett again, but she was not at all happy at the thought of taking me within such close proximity of Italy. Neither was she willing to leave me home alone, so she got me a babysitter.

The day before my parents left for Europe, Tanya arrived with one suitcase and set herself up in the guest bedroom beside mine. Her thoughts were surprisingly affectionate and caring, much like her outward behaviour toward me.

I relaxed.

...

The first door on the right at the top of the stairs opened into a tiny apartment. The main room comprised a kitchenette, with a square table and two chairs, and a living area, which was simply a two seater couch and a coffee table. It was cramped, untidy and not particularly clean, and barely any warmer than it had been outdoors.

The bedroom, through which the boy led me in order to show me into his tiny en suite shower room, was strewn with clothes, books, dirty plates and moulding mugs. I suspected from the smell that there might also be a used condom or two lying underneath the debris. It was a useful reminder to hold my breath.

I glanced at the grimy shower tray then turned to wash my face and hands. I combed my fingers through my hair and stared at myself in the mirror above the sink. My tatty clothes were in serious need of washing, and there was I judging his apartment. I headed back to the main room.

The boy was leaning against the kitchen counter, surrounded by steam from the boiling kettle. I joined him, putting as much distance between us as I could.

"Would you like a hot drink?" he asked.

I was pretty sure I couldn't digest anything other than blood, but I didn't want to appear rude. "Yes, please," I said.

He turned his back to me and set about making two mugs of instant coffee. Something told me I should make it easier on myself. "No milk for me, please," I said, stopping him just in time.

We sat on opposite sides of the square table, each holding our drinks with both hands. As he sipped, I sipped, and oh hell, it was vile. I swallowed quickly, desperate to get the foul tasting liquid out of my mouth, but feeling it trickle its way down through my insides was extremely disconcerting. It did not match my ingestion of blood in any way.

I took a second sip and winced.

"You don't have to drink it if you don't like it," he said, watching me closely.

Reluctantly, I swallowed down the second mouthful of coffee. "Sorry, it's just…"

He reached a hand out across the table. "My name is Riley. What's yours?"

"I don't know," I said, keeping my hands on my mug.

"What?"

"Tell me about it."

"Well, I have to call you something," he said, frowning,

"No, you don't."

He withdrew his hand. "Are you homeless?"

"I don't know."

"Do you have a home to go to, that you know of?" I shook my head and he frowned again. "Can you tell me anything about yourself?"

I sighed. "Some time ago, I woke up in the middle of the forest all alone. I could remember some things but not others. I've been living there ever since." And by the way, I'm a vampire.

He studied my face for a few minutes. He stood up, taking my full cup and his empty one and putting them in the already overflowing sink. He then turned around and looked me in the eye. "You can stay here if you want."

"What? Why?"

"I...I don't know. I feel...very protective of you."

I felt sick, though whether it was his words or the coffee, I couldn't tell. I stood up with far less grace than a vampire should, knocking my chair to the ground as I ran to the shower room. I heaved and spat and brought back the offending beverage, grateful that I hadn't had a proper meal in a few hours. _That_ would have been hard to explain.

Soon, I was aware of him holding my hair back, then holding me as I collapsed onto the floor sobbing.

"Ssh, it's okay," he said.

I began to panic. Had I moved at human speed or vampire speed? Would he have noticed? Could he tell that I was still cold despite being indoors for however long? Had he realised that my body was hard as stone? Why wasn't he frightened of me?


	10. (I got) Time to kill

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **10\. (I got) Time to kill**

"Come on," Riley said. "Let's get you onto the couch where you'll be more comfortable."

Once again, I took his hand and allowed him to believe he was helping me up. He put an arm around my waist and walked me out to the main room, insisting I lie down on the couch.

He perched on the coffee table, shoving a pile of paperbacks to one side to do so. There were several more piles of books on the floor.

"You like to read." I said.

"Yes, I do. Science fiction and fantasy mostly. None of these are on my English syllabus. They're just for my own enjoyment."

"I like reading, but I haven't read anything in quite a while," I said wistfully.

"What sort of books do you like?"

"Classics, I think. I doubt I've read any of the books you have there."

"Would you like to?" I nodded enthusiastically, and he passed me a book from the pile on the table. "Shift over. We can sit and read together."

I realised my mistake when I caught him staring at me with his mouth wide open. I could have told him I was a fast reader, but I doubted that would convince him.

"I was just skimming through to see if I'd like it," I said, turning back to the first page and frowning at it.

After that, I timed my page turns to match his. Several chapters in, I went a fraction faster, but even then, it was frustrating having to wait for him to catch up.

"I've found a name for you," he said, breaking the long silence. He held his book up to show me the page, his index finger pointing to a word.

"Bree?" I asked.

"It's the settlement in Middle Earth where Frodo and Sam first meet Aragorn."

I had no feeling on the matter, so I said nothing. His mouth widened into a smile and his eyes twinkled. I just stared at him. His cheeks rose some more and his lips parted into a full blown grin. I couldn't resist it; I smiled back.

"You're very pretty," he said, reaching out to tuck a stray lock of hair behind my ear.

My smile faltered, but whether that was because of some brief glimmer of a memory or from his wrist being in such close proximity to my mouth, I wasn't sure. I swallowed hard. "Um, thank you."

"You're welcome, Bree," he said, turning back to his book.

…

"I'm bored, Edward," Tanya said, coming into my room.

While I had been lying on my couch reading, she had been wandering through the house, making herself familiar with every corner of every room. A few choice words were uttered in Carlisle's study about the narrowness of the subject matter on his book shelves, and then some very colourful words were used to express her depth of feeling toward his old friends in Italy.

"Lift up," she said, picturing me in her mind with my head resting in her lap.

Carlisle had been quite clear that I should allow myself to enjoy physical contact, and perhaps it was time I seized an opportunity. I raised my head and shoulders so Tanya could squeeze in and sit down and then lowered myself back down.

Her fingers raked through my hair as I resumed my reading, sometimes tugging gently and occasionally scratching my scalp. Her thoughts were vague, flitting from one thing to another, much like someone does when staring out of the window of a train on a long journey.

"Read to me," she said, and so I did.

A ray of sunlight shone in through the window, catching on my hand every time I raised it to turn a page. I felt relaxed, like I was floating, as if I were in some kind of dream.

"Another," she said when I'd finished the last chapter. I set the book down on the floor beside the couch, picked up the second volume in the trilogy and carried on.

A few chapters in, she put her hand on my chest, her thumb resting at the base of my throat. I paused. "What are you doing?"

"I'm enjoying the sound of your voice," she said, "and the feeling of it reverberating through your chest."

"Oh," I replied, suddenly aware that she could probably also feel those reverberations through my upper back where it was resting on her thigh. I cleared my throat and continued. The fingers on my chest remained still, but those in my hair continued to move in a constant fluid motion.

Her scent began to change, and as I breathed it in, my body began to react to it. She couldn't have noticed, for I'm sure I would have known it if she had.

When I had to get up to fetch the third book from the shelf, she stood too.

"Let's hunt, Edward," she said, her voice a little lower than usual.

I scrubbed my hands over my face and willed my body to behave. "Okay."

…

It was getting dark outside and in. I could still clearly see the words on the page, but Riley wouldn't have been able to much longer. His stomach rumbled.

"If I make you something to eat, will you eat it?" he said, dropping his book onto the table with a thud.

I shook my head. "I'm on a special diet. You go ahead though."

He got up, made himself a sandwich and returned to the couch with it on a plate. Once he'd finished eating, he took his plate back to the kitchen and turned on the lights. "I have some college work to do. Are you okay reading while I get on with it?"

"Sure."

The book was really good, so I ignored him for some time. When I next looked up, he was sitting at the table with his laptop open, deep in concentration. I carried on reading at a slightly faster pace until I reached the end of the novel.

At some point, I must have relaxed and started breathing in air once more. I hadn't expected to be that easily distracted from the delicious scent of… human blood.

I turned my head sharply. Riley was fast asleep, slumped down in his chair with his head leaning to one side, exposing the side of his neck. That would hurt later, I thought. Or maybe sooner.

I stood slowly, inching my way toward the kitchen, certain that temptation was going to get the better of me. I ought to have grabbed my bag and left, but I could hear the blood flowing through his veins, and it was so close to the surface. If I could just sink my tee—

His eyes opened wide and caught my gaze. We watched each other in silence. Did he know how close he was to losing his life?

Eventually, he cricked his neck, brought his hands up and rubbed the corners of his eyes with his forefingers. "Sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep on you. I'll just get a blanket and a pillow for the couch, and then you can have the bed."

What? "No, no. I'm much shorter than you. I'll take the couch." And make a run for it while you are sleeping.

He stood up and stretched, and I may have watched him for longer than was decent. Then, while he fetched me some bedding, I made a pretence of using the shower room by flushing the toilet and running some water.

He offered me a T-Shirt to sleep in, but I refused it, saying I had something I could use in my backpack. I waited for him to fall asleep, picked up my bag, then cracked open the window near the couch.

The window faced out to the back of the building where was a fire escape, but I didn't need that kind of assistance. I dropped silently to the ground and ran through the back streets and alleys as fast as I could, heading for the forest.


	11. Song of mine

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **11\. Song of mine**

Once sated, and finally over my statutory period of revulsion, I sat on the damp ground listening to the semi-silence of the forest. It was reassuringly normal, but now that I had enjoyed spending time with Riley, talking with him and doing something as simple as reading side by side, it didn't seem quite enough.

What kind of a monster was I? Riley had been so kind to me and the thought of him waking and finding me gone almost hurt. I should have said goodbye. I should have stayed well away. I could have killed him… but I hadn't.

Nothing had changed when I crept back in through Riley's apartment window. I set my bag back down on the floor beside the couch and walked silently into his bedroom. I must have spent an hour or more just watching him sleep before I began to feel like some kind of creepy stalker and went back to the other room to read.

When Riley left early for college the next morning, freshly showered but in the same clothes as he'd worn the day before, he handed me his spare keys in case I needed to go out. It seemed incredibly trusting, but the most valuable item he had was probably his laptop, and that was in the canvas messenger bag slung across his body.

I wanted to do something to thank him for being so kind, if a little reckless with his own safety. I started in the kitchen, clearing the stack of dirty dishes and scrubbing the sink until it shone. Next, I wiped down the countertops, the cabinet doors and the stovetop. The refrigerator was surprisingly clean, on the inside at least, and it was reasonably well stocked with food for one.

Rummaging in the cabinet under the sink, I found some cleaning products, some cloths and a bucket. I got down on my knees and scrubbed the floor tiles, and then leaving them to dry, I tiptoed across the mess on the bedroom floor and ventured into the shower room.

Before long, the sink and the mirror were gleaming, though they were past ever looking like new again, and the toilet was white and shiny. I, however, felt grimy, despite my inability to perspire.

Everyone knows that the best way to clean a shower is to strip naked and get into the enclosure, don't they? I threw my dirty clothes on the floor just outside the shower room door, grabbed a cloth and several different spray bottles and got down to work, but I should have thought things through better.

The water thumped through the old pipe work, spurting and sputtering until it flowed evenly. I scrubbed and buffed the tiles, the tray and the chrome until the shower enclosure was as good as it was ever going to be without new grout and sealant.

By the time it was finished, I was lovely and clean too, but also dripping wet without a towel or a clean piece of clothing in sight.

Intending to make a quick dash to the main room for my backpack, I opened the shower room door and stepped out into the bedroom, coming face to face with a very surprised Riley.

…

Tanya leaned over the top of the piano, watching my hands.

"Will you teach me to play, Edward?"

"If you like," I said, looking up at her.

In seconds she was sitting between my thighs on the piano bench, her backside pressed firmly against my groin. I had a momentary urge to wrap my arms around her and run my hands over her chest, but got a hold of myself, figuratively speaking, and wiggled back a couple of inches. I focussed on her thoughts. They were innocent. She genuinely believed that was how I would show her what to do.

"Er, Tanya," I said, lifting one of my legs backward over the bench and moving around to sit beside her, "no piano teacher worth their salt sits behind their pupil like that."

"Oh," she said, looking a little embarrassed.

I reached for my manuscript book and pencil and quickly wrote some notes on the stave. Pointing to the first, I took her right hand and placed her thumb on the corresponding key.

"This is Middle C," I said as the note rang out.

Coordination and memory retention are both skills that one acquires when one is turned into a vampire, but musicality is innate. My sister, Rosalie, had always been technically proficient on the piano, a fitting companion for duets, but she lacked the ability to express any depth of emotion in her playing. In truth, I think she was afraid to emote anywhere but in private with Emmett lest she show signs of weakness.

Tanya, however, even playing the simplest of scales, seemed to have a natural feel for the instrument. She would be rewarding to teach and eventually make a heavenly partner for piano four hands.

We sat for hours side by side while she followed my instructions, and for the first time in an age, I began to feel some semblance of self worth.

"We should hunt soon, Edward," she whispered as daylight faded. "Then I'll show you exactly what I can teach you in return."

…

Riley turned away from me immediately. "I'll get you a towel," he said, his voice sounding strained as he opened the door to his closet. He then proceeded to walk backward with his arm outstretched behind him. I snatched the bath sheet from his hand, rubbing it quickly over my hair before wrapping it around my body.

"I'm decent," I said. "Thank you."

He made a funny squeaking noise then turned to face me. "Sorry. I didn't think that…"

I looked at him nervously. His eyes were half closed, his lips were pressed together, and his cheeks were a little flushed. Sensing that wasn't the only place where his blood was pooling, I couldn't help but glance down at the lower half of his body.

"I, um… I'll just go and get dressed in the other room. Could you give me a minute?" I said.

"Of course," he replied. Then ever so quietly he said, "I think I need a few myself."

My mind whirled while I rushed to get dressed in some clean clothes. How had I not heard him come in? How I had not noticed his scent? Perhaps I had been a little overzealous with the bleach, and the antiquated plumbing definitely had a lot to answer for.

Dammit! I'd also been singing at the top of my voice, and he must have heard me because I was at that moment listening to him humming the very same song I'd sung in the shower while he moved around his bedroom. I slumped down onto the couch and cringed with embarrassment, not knowing which was worse: him seeing me naked or him hearing my total lack of intonation.

"What _have_ you been up to today?" he said, smiling as he walked into the main room, his arms overflowing with dirty clothes and bedding.

"I wanted to thank you for letting me stay here. Cleaning is something I can do to help."

"I don't know what to say. It wasn't necessary, but it is very much appreciated. I guess I should do something about the rest of the apartment."

"I can—"

"No, Bree. You take a rest. I'll just take these down to the laundry room."

"My clothes need—"

"I've got them," he said as he strode out of the door. If he bothered to look at my clothes before he put them in the machine, he would notice most of them were riddled with tiny holes, frayed hems and blood stains. I'd hidden a lot by layering and wearing my big, pale grey hoodie.

Five minutes later he was back, rummaging in the cabinet under the sink for his box of washing powder. Then, in another five, he was back again, standing in front of me, shifting from one foot to the other.

"There's a pretty good thrift store down the street. Would you like me to help you find some new clothes?"


	12. Like it or not

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **12\. Like it or not**

"But, Riley, I don't have any money," I said quietly as we walked out of his building.

"Doesn't matter. I can afford to buy you a few clothes from a thrift store. What you have is falling apart, and I couldn't help but notice that you don't have any, er... underwear."

His cheeks flushed pink and his heart rate sped up a little. I stopped breathing.

It was true. The three pairs of underwear I had acquired with my first backpack had long since disintegrated. Nevertheless, I was mortified that he'd noticed and sorely tempted by the physical reaction his admission had caused.

"That is none of your concern!" I said, regretting the sharpness of my tone instantly. It had the desired effect, though. His face paled and I relaxed somewhat.

The thrift store smelled marginally better than I'd expected, and I understood why when I saw one of the staff steaming clothes at the back. Sensing my reluctance to shop, Riley demanded to know my dress size then wandered up and down the rails, picking up several cotton jersey tops and bottoms, a pair of jeans and a couple of tunic dresses.

He shoved me in the direction of the changing room. Well, he thought he'd shoved me because I played my part expertly when his hands touched my back, moving forward and stumbling a little for show.

Pretty much everything fit and far better than any of the clothing I'd found in the forest, but when I totalled up the prices on the tags, I felt uneasy. I couldn't possibly let him spend that amount of money on me. I started to sort the clothes into two piles.

"Oh no you don't!" Riley said, pulling back the curtain.

I put my hands on my hips and glared up at him. "How did you know I'd finished changing?"

"I didn't, but it's not like I haven't seen it all already." He winked at me, grabbed the clothes and headed for the cash desk, humming that damned song again.

When we got back to his apartment building, he went straight to the basement to check on the laundry. I emptied one of the bags of new clothes onto the couch and stared. The cheeky boy had somehow managed to sneak in two packs of cotton underwear and three stretchy crop top bras.

I would have considered him impudent, if he hadn't bought exactly what I would have chosen myself.

…

"This is the one," Tanya said, pushing the glass door open.

The store was full of middle-aged women, and as the only man, I stood out like a sore thumb from the moment we walked in. Everyone fell silent, but their thoughts were loud and clear to me. Admittedly, not quite everyone was distracted from their lust for merino wool and kid-silk mohair, but those that were were now lusting after me.

The last thing I needed in a store full of semi-aroused women was to show any kind of reaction below the belt, but the imagery assaulting me was making it hard.

Tanya wove her arm under mine and wrapped it firmly around my waist, drawing me into her side. I could feel her breast pressed against the side of my chest and found it bizarrely reassuring. She picked up a wicker basket and walked me through the store to the wall of yarns at the back.

A soft chatter resumed behind us. I tried my best to ignore it.

"Pick a colour, Edward," Tanya said quietly as her hand shifted down from my waist to squeeze my backside. She winked at me, and I smirked at her playing to our audience. There wasn't even a hint of possessiveness in her mind.

Studying the yarns, I naturally gravitated toward the bluish hues, but my heart and mind both begged me to choose something different. I spotted a burnt orange wool with olive green running through it. It wasn't the most vibrant, but it was subtly cheerful.

"That one," I said, pointing to it.

"Okay." She picked up four balls and put them in her basket then selected another four of the same type of wool in a pea green with dashes of orange and purple.

"Now all we need is to find you some needles," she said, grabbing my hand and dragging me back across the store again.

As we turned around, all human eyes were quickly averted, but not quickly enough to escape the notice of a vampire. And the thoughts entering my mind would have crippled me if Tanya's were not so clear in my head: they can look all they want, they can think what they like, but they can't have you, Edward.

At the cash desk, I handed my wallet to Tanya and she pulled out a couple of bills. She then spent far longer than necessary feeling around in my front pocket for some loose change.

"Come on, Edward," she said brightly. "Let's go home and I'll set you off."

...

Later that evening, while Riley was at work stacking shelves in a supermarket, I made up his bed with his freshly laundered sheets and prepared some cheese sandwiches, which I put on a plate in the refrigerator for when he came home.

I pulled on my lace up boots and let myself out of the apartment, locking both doors behind me. Dodging between street lamps and ducking down alleys, I made my way to the forest for a meal of my own.

It took a while to find a deer large enough to quench my thirst, but even then, one wasn't enough. Spending so much time in the company of a human was taking its toll.

When I returned to the apartment, I opened the door to see Riley sitting on the couch with his head in his hands.

"Where have you been?" he said quietly.

"Just out for some air." I hoped I hadn't any traces of blood on my face.

He sat upright and looked at me with his dark brown eyes. "I was worried. It's dangerous for you to be out around here at night. A student in my class at college was attacked only a street away from here a few weeks back. You need to be more careful."

I could hardly tell him that I could eat anyone who attacked me for breakfast, but I was touched by his concern for my wellbeing and the manner in which he addressed it.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I won't do it again." Unless you're fast asleep and I'm thirsty.

He stood up and walked over to me, engulfing me in his arms. He was so warm and he smelled so delicious that I was grateful for my full stomach.

"Fuck! You're freezing!" he said. "We should have bought you a coat."

"Yeah. I forgot to take my hoodie with me."

"Here," he said, whipping his own up over his head. "Use mine. It's warm already."

He pulled his rust coloured hoodie down over my head and helped me put my arms through the sleeves. It was cosy and smelled really, really nice, and I didn't want to take it off ever again.

Later that night, as I sat watching him asleep in his bed, I wondered if I was doing the right thing by staying. He was such a beautiful boy, and so very kind and gentle in his manner, it would be easy to fall for him… and even easier to suck him dry.

He muttered something unintelligible in his sleep, and I froze, worried he'd open his eyes and see me hovering over him like the vampire I was. When he didn't, I leaned in closer, my ear mere inches from his mouth.

"Bree," he said breathily, and as I jolted back in shock, he inhaled deeply and licked his lips.


	13. Favourite hobby

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **13\. Favourite hobby**

Riley leaned against the counter to my left, watching me cut the bread for his sandwich.

He'd left without breakfast for an early class and had returned early evening starving hungry. I'd offered to make him some food, as much to have something to do as anything.

I spread mayonnaise over each of the thick slices and then held my breath as I opened the packet of ham, knowing from recent experience how repulsive it smelled.

"Would you like lettuce or tomato?" I asked, turning toward the refrigerator.

"I've found you a job, if you're interested," Riley said, the words rushing out so fast that I'd have had to asked him to repeat them if I were human.

I stopped in my tracks. "A job?"

He looked down at his feet. "I, er, was talking about you to my English professor at college."

"Talking about me?" What would he have to say about me?

He swallowed, and my eyes were instantly distracted by the movement of his Adam's apple. "Yes," he said. "I was telling her how I have this friend staying with me, a friend who has fallen on hard times, and how she has been cleaning my apartment as a thank you.

"She said she'd been looking for someone to clean her house, and she'd be happy to give you a chance. She'll pay you the going rate in cash, so you won't need to show her any identification."

It was an opportunity I'd be unlikely to get on my own. Having some money would make certain things a lot easier, and if I stayed any longer with Riley, it would make me feel better if I could contribute.

"I'd like that," I said, my gaze finally travelling up to meet his eyes. "Thank you."

"I can take you to her house tomorrow morning before class if you like. It's not very far from here."

"Okay." I smiled at him and his face relaxed into a broad grin. "Um, Riley?"

"Yeah?"

"Why were you talking about me to your professor?"

He straightened up and walked across to the refrigerator, quickly opening the door, thus hiding his face from view. "She stopped me after class and asked why I was looking so happy."

"Oh." Now it was my turn to hide my face and the breadth of my grin. I turned my attention back to his sandwich, not daring to look at him when he placed a large tomato down on the chopping board.

When he'd finished eating, I remembered something I'd spotted on my way back from the forest the night before.

"Riley, would you come somewhere with me?"

He studied my face for a moment. "Okay," he said, but he didn't sound very certain.

He stood up and put his plate in the empty sink. He turned around to see my raised eyebrow, then quickly turned back and washed the plate, leaving it on the drainer.

"Come on then," he said, drying his hands. "Let's go."

"You'll need a flashlight," I said.

A few blocks away from his apartment, at the back of an office building, there was a dumpster full of discarded furniture. We clambered up and shifted some debris until we found the piece I'd seen the night before—a small wooden bookcase with three shelves.

Riley carried his new bookcase back to his apartment, with a few rest stops along the way, and placed it against the wall opposite the couch. I wiped it down for him then sat back to watch him fill it with his books.

"I'm not going to ask how you knew this was there," he said, "but it better not have been after dark."

"Of course it wasn't." I said, lying through my razor sharp teeth.

...

"Poke it into the first hole, Edward. No, not that one, the one at the front. That's it!"

I smirked. "If Emmett was here, he'd be having field day right now."

"He would, wouldn't he?" Tanya laughed. "Now weave the end in like I showed you and you're done."

I was extremely proud of my first pair of socks and couldn't wait to put them on. Knitting had turned out to be a very therapeutic activity. Holding my burnt orange feet out in front of me, I wiggled my toes and turned my head to look at Tanya.

"I've not seen you smile like this in a long while, Edward," she said, staring into my eyes. "You look happy."

My smile wavered a little. "Thank you."

Tanya put her hand on mine and squeezed. "Do you want to start another pair?"

"Okay," I said, picking up my needles and a ball of the pea green yarn. I shifted forward in my seat and grinned. "Show me how to cast on again."

Tanya climbed behind me, her thighs either side of mine, and pressed her chest into my back. She brought her arms forward and laid her hands over mine as we wrapped the yarn around the needles together. It was good to be held in such way and to feel her breath on my cheek as she leaned over my shoulder to see what our hands were doing.

Once she'd set me off, she moved back to her side of the couch and resumed her own knitting.

"Who do you knit the socks for?" I asked.

"Myself and my family," she said. "Nothing says I love you like a handmade pair of socks, does it?"

Out of the corner of my eye I could see her smile softly as she recalled their faces in her mind. I thought of my parents and siblings and the distance between us, in miles and otherwise.

"I want to make socks for my family too," I said with resolve. "Perhaps we should have bought more yarn."

...

Riley's English professor was an older lady. She lived alone with her cats, but I couldn't have told you exactly how many cats she had because the moment I entered her house, they all scurried out through the cat flap. Judging by the number of food bowls, though, there were at least five.

The house smelled of cat and pretty much every surface was covered in cat hair. Some surfaces might even have had the remains of other cat deposits. I'd need a mask sprayed with bleach for this job.

Initially, I was to give the whole house a thorough clean, top to bottom, however many hours it took. From then on, I would be required to do three to four hours a week to keep things in check.

I knew that I would have to work at close to human speed to avoid raising suspicion, but that plan was swiftly revised once I'd walked into the professor's library with its floor to ceiling bookcases on all four walls, even the wall surrounding the large picture window.

The decision was made. So long as I cleaned alone, I would be moving at vampire speed then making up my hours reading.

Riley and his professor left me to get started. I checked the time on the clock over the mantelpiece, fetched a duster and the vacuum cleaner and set to work in the most important room of the house.

By three o'clock in the afternoon, I had completely finished the kitchen, including washing down the walls and ceiling, and was curled up in an armchair in front of the polished glass of the picture window in the dust free library.

But there was something about the volume I was reading that I found deeply unsettling the more I read. The words felt familiar, as if they'd been there all along on the tip of my tongue, and yet I couldn't determine why I would want to torture my human self by reading them more than once.

I didn't understand the characters at all. How could people who loved each other so deeply, and with such intensity, be so very cruel to each other? How could each be so destructive as to insert themselves into others' lives and crush their hearts?


	14. Closing in

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **14\. Closing in**

"Riley, why aren't you getting up for college?" I said, kneeling at his bedside. He didn't need to know I'd been in his room watching both him and the clock since I'd returned from my hunt at three in the morning. "Are you alright?"

"It's a Saturday, Bree," he said groggily, rubbing his eyes.

"Oh. So no work for me today, then?"

"No, I don't think the professor wants you cleaning while she's at home."

"What shall we do?"

"I have studying to do and shelves to stack, I'm afraid."

"And tomorrow?"

"Same. Sorry." He yawned, stretching his arms overhead.

As the weekend went on, I found that the little time Riley had when he wasn't studying or stacking was spent eating and sleeping. I wondered if that was normal for him or if he was making up for the time he'd lost by helping me.

Perhaps that was how his apartment had got into such a state before I arrived. He didn't seem to have much time to do household chores, and if he hadn't brought discounted food home with him after each shift, I would have wondered when he found the time to shop.

And yet, for the little spare time and money he had, he'd taken a homeless girl in off the street and done everything he could to make her comfortable.

The following week, as I continued to set the professor's house to rights, Riley went to college, studied and worked his midweek shift.

Whenever he sat with his books and laptop at the kitchen table, I either settled on the couch and read the books I'd purloined from the professor's library or prepared him a drink and a sandwich.

The one time he bothered to cook himself something hot, I didn't care for the smell at all and so found an excuse to leave the apartment. If he knew what I was about, he didn't say. Neither did he question me again on my diet, or apparent lack of one.

Every night, I waited for him to be asleep before I crept out of the window and went hunting. With some distance from the situation, I questioned whether I should return, whether I should allow myself to become more entangled in his life, given the constant danger I posed to it. Then, on my return, I watched and waited for him to say my name before I resumed my seat in the living room with a book.

The night after I'd finished my spring clean of the professor's house, I sped through the forest, keener than ever to return to Riley. Then, as I perched on the edge of his bed, his scent began to awaken another kind of desire.

My thoughts shifted to Tanya and what she'd told me about her and her sisters taking human lovers. She'd said I had exceptional control for a newborn. Could I be controlled enough to be intimate with Riley without killing him?

I was so lost in thought I didn't notice I was being watched until I heard his voice.

"What are you doing?"

…

The movie was a poor choice on my part. We had watched one each night of the week so far, taking it in turns to choose, but I hadn't really been concentrating when I'd picked the box off the shelf, only aware that I'd never seen it before. And it was making me miserable, reminding me of my past failures.

The hero was a self-righteous idiot who thought he knew what was best for the heroine. He was controlling and overprotective, and his actions were destroying every wonderful thing about the girl that had made him fall in love with her in the first place.

I sank back into the couch cushions and closed my eyes, trying to choke back the emotions welling in my chest.

"Edward?" I heard Tanya switch off the television and toss the remote control onto the table, the plastic clattering on the glass. "I know what you're thinking and that isn't you anymore."

"How could you possibly know what I'm thinking?" I said, instantly regretting the harsh tone of my voice.

"Try me," she said, and I focussed on her thoughts to find she understood all too well the comparisons I was making between myself and the man in the movie. "Just because I can't read minds, Edward, it doesn't mean I can't read people on occasion. You've changed. You're not that person anymore."

"Vampires can't change."

"That's not true. It might be more difficult for our kind, but we can and we do, especially when we want to."

I opened my eyes to meet hers. She was on her knees beside me, her face inches from mine, staring at my lips.

"Tanya?"

"Can I kiss you?" she whispered.

"I'm not…"

"Shh, don't think so much. Just..." She leaned in and put her lips to mine, just briefly, and my body came alive.

"Again," I said, and as her lips touched mine for the second time, I grabbed hold of her waist and lifted her onto my lap so she was straddling my thighs with her hands on my shoulders.

"More," I said. She licked her lips and I pressed my mouth to hers, the tip of my tongue darting out to taste her.

My hands slid under her skirt and up her thighs to cup her behind. I pulled her in close and then realised what I was doing and froze, resting my forehead against hers.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"You're sorry?"

"I can't..."

"I know my past behaviour has led you to believe I can't control myself around you, Edward, but I can. This doesn't have to go any further than you want it to. We're only kissing."

"I'm… I'm not worried about your self control; I'm worried about mine."

…

Caught in the gaze of those dark brown eyes, I could almost feel my dead heart restarting. There was the merest hint of a twinkle in them and the tiniest upturn at the corners of his mouth, both details that a human girl would miss, even in broad daylight.

Venom pooled in my mouth. I swallowed it down and whispered, "I… I couldn't sleep." I haven't been able to sleep in quite a while.

"So you thought it would help to sit on my bed and watch me doing it?"

Dammit!

I didn't say anything, but I'm sure my discomfort showed on my face, just not for the reason he had in mind.

He reached a hand out and touched my forearm. "Fuck, Bree, you're always so damned cold! Here," he said, lifting the covers and shuffling over to the far side of the bed. "Get in."

I looked at the warm space on the bed beside him, torn between joining him and running for my life. Or was it his life?

"What are you waiting for? I'm not going to jump your bones," he said, smirking.

I stared at him opened mouthed, half expecting him to make a more suggestive comment. When he didn't, I climbed under the covers and lay down as carefully as I could over his outstretched arm, facing him.

His arm curled up behind my back, and I allowed him to believe he was drawing me into his chest. He wrapped his other arm around my waist, kissed my forehead and snuggled even closer, tucking my head under his chin. My nose was positioned right at the indent at the base of his throat. His scent was almost overwhelming, but it wasn't just the one appetite he was appealing to.

"You always smell so good," he said into my hair, his breath hot on my scalp.

I inhaled deeply and swallowed again. "So do you," I said. Good enough to eat.

As his breathing steadied and his arms became heavy, I closed my eyes and allowed myself to daydream, to imagine what I would do if I could be human once more.


	15. After him there's me

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **15\. After him there's me**

In the early hours of the morning, Riley became restless. I'd laid in his arms all night enjoying his warmth, but I was surprised that he hadn't been woken by the chill emanating from my body.

As he shifted around in his sleep, he rubbed his throat against my face, and I couldn't resist poking the tip of my tongue out to taste his skin. A spark of desire coursed through my body. He was absolutely delicious. I licked some more and then some more until I was running the flat of my tongue from the base of his throat to the underside of his chin.

His heart rate increased and the faster it beat, the more aware I became of the blood rushing through his veins. His groin pressed into my thigh and his head tilted back. I should have stopped, but it felt like an open invitation, so I licked all the way up his jugular vein to behind his ear. He groaned, so I did it again, revelling in his taste on my tongue. I wanted more.

"Bree?"

"Hmmmm?" His neck was so covered in my venom by then, it was glistening. I began to suck at his skin, barely remembering to cover my teeth with my lips.

"Ah, fuck! Bree, please stop."

Stop!

What the hell was I doing? I pulled away to the very edge of the bed and promptly fell on the floor. I quickly sat up with my knees bent and covered my face with my hands. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Riley."

"Bree, shh, it's okay. I liked it. I mean, I liked it a lot, but it's really hard trying to remain a gentleman when you're doing that kind of thing to my neck."

I peeked through my fingers at him. He was lying on his side with an arm outstretched toward me, and as I tried to decide which kind of lust I was feeling most, one word played over and over in my mind: gentleman. Was that what I wanted him to be?

...

Tanya sat back on my thighs, putting some space between us, although I wasn't sure it was quite enough.

"Talk to me, Edward."

"I want…"

"What do you want?"

"I want to be in love when I... for the first time."

"And you don't love me." Her face was calm, showing not an ounce of emotion, but I caught the briefest flicker of anguish in her mind.

"I… I don't…"

Tanya sighed and pulled my head into her chest as I started to shake, and through my tearless sobs, I tried to say the words. "I don't know... if I can love anyone but... but you make me feel things I never thought I would feel again."

Her hands ruffled my hair. "What kind of things?" she whispered.

I lifted my head and looked into her eyes. "With you here, I've finally found some peace. I'm rediscovering pleasures that have eluded me for so long. I haven't played the piano in so many months, or read a book from start to finish, or wanted to learn something new. You make me feel... hopeful and... happy."

"Edward," she said, her voice barely audible, "I have to tell you something."

"Yes?"

"I used to believe that I could have any man I wanted, and it was true of every man but you. I know I went about it the wrong way all those years ago. My methods made you so uncomfortable. I repulsed you, and I damaged a friendship I held dear."

I opened my mouth to speak, but her fingers were there in an instant, gently resting on my lips.

"I've lived for a very long time. I've taken many lovers, some for a night and a few that stayed with me until they died a natural death. I've known sorrow, heartbreak and loneliness, even with my sisters beside me, but I don't believe there is such a thing as one mate for me, or for any of our kind really. Love comes in many forms and in differing intensities, and we can find love again and again, even after a loss such as yours."

I closed my eyes to hide what she couldn't know, what I still found so hard to accept. And as I thought of how I'd miraculously survived the loss of my mate, her hands left my hair, and her weight lifted from my thighs.

"I love you, Edward, and I want you in every way, but I'll be your companion and your friend, if that's all you want from me. I'll even stand by and watch you be with another, so long as you are happy."

I heard the back door close and her thoughts shift toward her hunt. And for once, I didn't allow myself time to think; I simply chased after her.

...

"Take your pants off and get back in here right now!" Riley said, breaking me out of my trance.

I jumped up with a little more grace than I'd employed going down and pushed my sweatpants down my legs, more grateful for my new cotton underwear than ever.

Riley sat up and pulled at the neck of his T-shirt, and once it was off, he flung it across the room. He raised the covers, and as I climbed in, he lay on his side to face me again.

My eyes roamed over his bare chest until, tentatively, I placed the flat of my hand just over the spot where his heart was beating. He flinched momentarily then his body relaxed again.

"You're out of bed two damned minutes and your hands are freezing cold again," he said.

Dragging my gaze away from my hand, I looked up at him, at the breadth of his smile, and swallowed a mouthful of venom.

"I've never done this before," I whispered.

He ran his fingertips up and down my arm. "How can you be sure?"

"You don't believe me?"

"Well, you do have a little problem with amnesia."

"Yeah, that. Well, like I told you, I remember some things but not others."

"So how can you be so sure that the somethings you don't remember don't include this?"

"Are you kidding me? I'm half naked in your bed, I want you to—well, you know—with you, and you're worried about my memory?"

"Well, I'd hate for you to forget me like you did the other guy."

"What other guy? There isn't another guy. There never was." Was there? "I'm a virgin."

"Then we'd better go slow," he said, rolling me onto my back with the weight of his body and a lot of assistance from me. "I don't want to hurt you."

Him hurt me? I closed my eyes and there in the depths of my mind something rattled and shook. It was just a feeling, the tiniest puff of air escaping through the lid of an airtight box before it's properly sealed. And then the faintest whisper that there was a someone once, and he had said he didn't want to hurt me either… but he had.

"Bree? Where have you gone?"

I opened my eyes to see Riley frowning down at me. "Sorry, I… How many times have you done this?"

Riley ducked his head. "A few, but only with the one girl and, yeah, she didn't stick around for long."

"I'm sorry. Did you love her?"

"No, I didn't." He raised his chin and I caught my breath. His eyes were dark and intense and his voice noticeably deeper than before. "No more talking," he murmured then those full lips met mine.

I pushed at his shoulders, making him stop the kiss before it began.

He frowned "What's the matter? Don't you want—"

"You have to watch my teeth. They're very sharp."

"You're a strange girl, Bree, but I can't seem to stop myself from wanting you."

He kissed me again, welcoming my tongue into his mouth and pressing his body down onto mine.


	16. Forefinger on the button

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **16\. Forefinger on the button**

Was it too soon to be in love? Probably, but I suspected I was falling all the same.

Riley was as gentle, patient and generous in his lovemaking as he had been with me in every other way. I was the one who almost lost control, both of my passion and my bloodlust, but somehow he knew just what I needed to bring me back into the moment—the touch of his hand cupping my cheek, soft kisses all over my face, a steadier pace to the thrust of his hips.

He brought me to the brink several times until I was so consumed by him I couldn't imagine ever wanting anyone else, and when he finally relented and brought me to orgasm, he let his own passion out and took his own pleasure inside of me.

Eleazar could eat his words. I was not completely impenetrable. In fact, much to my relief, there wasn't even a physical barrier for Riley to breach, though I suspected that had more to do with my undoubtedly clumsy human years, a bit of self exploration and the use of certain sanitary products.

As for Riley, well, let's just say he didn't appear to require any of the enhancements vampirism might afford him. But as I lay in his bed, waiting for him to finish his shower, anxiety began to override elation.

I wasn't being fair to the man who had taken me in and looked after me. He had no idea how vulnerable he was, how close to death he'd been since he'd found me on his doorstep. I could slip at any time and take his life. He could cut himself shaving or while slicing a tomato. He could even catch his finger on the edge of a piece of his writing paper. The thought of him bleeding made me nauseous, for I had no idea if I'd be able to resist him.

And on the practical side, I had no name, other than the one he had given me, no identification and insufficient means to support myself. I wouldn't be happy with this life for much longer. Cleaning for a few hours a week, preparing food I couldn't eat and reading borrowed books alone instead of studying them in college would only keep me occupied for so long. I'd soon find myself wishing for other distractions.

Then there was the little matter of my existence. What would happen if Riley figured out what I was, or worse, I exposed the very nature of my being and risked drawing the attention of the Volturi? I'd have to change him before they killed us, and he wouldn't want that, would he? No one in their right mind would choose to be this kind of a monster.

And if he were to fall in love with me, I'd do more than break my own heart. I'd crush his too.

...

Hurtling through the forest, I had just about caught up with Tanya when the wind picked up, raising the floaty fabric of her skirt and revealing the lovely round behind I'd had my hands on less than half an hour before.

My reaction was instantaneous. I groaned as my legs lost their ability to move. Tanya stopped in her tracks, slowly turning around to look me up and down, her eyes darkening.

Her movements were fast and efficient. In a split second, she had her body pressed firmly against my back, my shirt unbuttoned and my jeans around my thighs. Her hands roamed over my body, touching, stroking and squeezing.

"Oh fuck, Tanya!" I said, throwing my head back.

That was possibly the first time I'd ever uttered an expletive out loud in front of a woman. I was mortified, but the effect it had on Tanya was indescribable. Her mind was completely focussed on what she was doing to me, the sensations of her skin on mine and of her breasts squashed between our bodies.

I tried not to think, but I couldn't help myself. "Tanya! I can't... ah... I'm not in lo-"

"One of us is in love, Edward, and she's the one doing all the work. Just let yourself enjoy it."

Unable to resist anymore, I lost myself in the moment and was soon completely overwhelmed.

My senses were slow to recover. Tanya held my heaving chest tightly with one arm, but it took a few minutes for me to realise that the knuckles of her other hand were rubbing against my behind. I inhaled deeply.

Catching the change in her scent, I reacted without thinking, turning us quickly so our positions were reversed. I wrapped one arm around her waist, my fingers just under the hem of her sweater. My other hand tingled in anticipation as I trailed it down her arm until it was laying over the hand inside her panties.

"Let me," I said. "Show me."

She didn't have to speak; I could follow her every thought. Her breathing got heavier while my hands explored her body underneath her clothes. My mouth found her neck, sucking at her skin, and when she tugged her skirt up out of the way, my bare skin met the silk of her underwear.

"Oh fuck, Tanya, I don't want to stop. I can't... I'll make a mess"

But it was too late. She was lost and so was I.

…

Sure enough, with Riley at college and only a few short hours cleaning at the professor's house, I had too much time on my hands. I spent more and more time in the forest, burning off my restlessness, running circuits and leaping from one treetop to another… and all the while I kept on thinking.

Each night, I explored Riley's body and he explored mine. I learned what got him worked up quickly and which parts of my body excited him most. He taught me how to please him, and though he didn't need much guidance, I taught him exactly where to put his tongue to make me scream.

But when it was over, I had to break free of his arms, leaving him asleep while I hunted, and somehow, in my mind the two began to connect. His blood pumping through his veins during our explorations, his heart pounding as I rode him and his roar as he reached orgasm were all becoming synonymous with the need to hunt, and it had me terrified.

I couldn't put off the inevitable any longer.

"What did you do today?" Riley asked, sitting down at the kitchen table with a sandwich and a mug of coffee.

"Not a lot." I leaned against the counter with my hands behind my back and sighed.

"Are you getting bored?" He put his half eaten sandwich down on the plate, cocked his head to one side and stared at me.

I looked at my feet. "I wish I had something more to do. If I knew who I was and had some identification, I could get a better job or go to college and study English like you."

"Maybe that's what you were doing when you lost your memory," he said.

"Maybe. I don't know. I feel…detached, remote, like I don't have a purpose."

He turned his head in the direction of my backpack. It was on the floor, by the couch where it always was. Not once since I'd arrived had I completely unpacked my things. All my new clothes were neatly folded and stored in there. Subconsciously or not, I'd been ready to leave from the outset.

I stood up straight, my body angled toward the door.

"You're leaving me, aren't you?" Riley pushed his chair back, the legs screeching on the tile. He stood up and rounded the table to stand in front of me, his hands by his sides, fingers flexing.

"I think I must," I said, averting my eyes.

"Why? Don't you like being here with me?"

"I like it far too much."

"Then stay. Whatever has brought this on, we can—"

"You don't know who I am or what I'm capable of."

"It doesn't matter. I lo—

"No! You can't!" He took a step back, and I lowered my voice. "I'm not good for you."

"That's not true. You are good for me and to me."

"Maybe…" I sucked in a breath, barely holding my nerve as I lied through my teeth. "Maybe there is someone out there waiting for me to come home."

"You said there wasn't anyone. You let me make love—"

"Don't! Please don't say it." How I wished I could cry tears, that he would see how much it was hurting me too.

"I'll come with you." Please don't make me say it. "I've finished my fin—"

"Riley! I don't want you to come with me."

If he'd persisted, I couldn't have kept up the pretence. As it was, he sank down onto the floor, his lips pursed and his eyes glistening.

"You don't want me," he said, closing his eyes. It wasn't a question.

"No." One word, the biggest lie, was like a blade of the sharpest steel piercing my heart, and as his tears trickled down his cheeks, the blade twisted.

I turned, took two steps to the couch to pick up my backpack and walked out of the door.


	17. To hell in a hat

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **17\. To hell in a hat**

My legs were heavy at first. I forced them to move one after the other as I ran for the forest, telling myself that it could have been far worse. I had left Riley in the comfort of his apartment, where he was safe and warm. No harm would come to him there, and for some reason, that small detail was really important to me.

Nevertheless, I had left him, knowing I had fallen in love with him, and I hadn't been kind about it. I'd been downright cruel to someone I loved. I'd had to be, or he wouldn't have let me go, and I'd had to go to keep him safe.

Nothing good could come of a relationship between my kind and his; we were from two different worlds. He was a human, a food source, an accident waiting to happen. He was a sumptuous dinner wrapped up in the most beautiful packaging, and though I had managed to restrain myself, it was only a matter of time before the predator inside of me won out. I couldn't have lived with myself if I had killed him, and if I couldn't die, I would go insane.

So why did I keep feeling like I'd made the wrong decision?

I recalled his words, the words I'd tried to stifle as he uttered them. He was in love with me, and if I wasn't a vampire, a bloodsucking monster, I'd have accepted every last bit of his love and returned it with all my heart.

But because I loved him, I'd put an end to my charade. It was a clean break. After all, we'd only known each other a few weeks. He'd soon forget me and go on to lead a normal, happy, human life. Maybe he'd even have children one day; he'd make a good father.

Would that I were able to forget him, though. Somehow, I doubted I could lose my memory twice.

My head was splitting and my heart was torn in two. I must have turned back half a dozen times or more, wondering if he'd forgive me if I went home straight away. Then, once I'd I reminded myself of why I was running, I tried to get as far as I could before I wavered again.

Eventually, I stopped thinking and just ran through the night under the cover of trees, and through backstreets and alleyways. I ran for days. I ran for miles. I ran until I could run no more, and when my feet stopped moving I found myself on the bank of a river.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't the elusive Bella Swan."

I held my breath and turned sharply to see a man leaning against a tree with his legs crossed casually at the ankles. He had a hat on his head, tilted forward just enough to cast a shadow over the top half of his face, as if the densely packed foliage of the trees offered insufficient protection from the sun.

Bella? Bella Swan? Was that my name?

"You have me at a disadvantage, sir," I said primly, taking a step back.

Out of the corner of my eye, I began to take in my surroundings, looking for an escape. Or would it be his escape? I hadn't fed since before I left Riley, so my control was likely to be tested to its limits on the first inhale.

My attention snapped to his hand, following it as it rose to take hold of the crown of his hat.

"You don't recognise me, Bella?"

…

"Edward?"

"Please give me a minute."

Tanya and I had returned to the house to clean up, but once I was alone in the shower, what we had done together had sunk in. I'd managed to wash and dress, but had stopped short at the door to my room and slumped down on the floor with my back to it.

"I really am thirsty, Edward, I have to get back out there soon," Tanya said through the door.

"Go ahead. I'll catch you up."

"You know I can't do that, Edward. especially not now."

"I know you made a promise to Carlisle and Esme, Tanya, but I'm alright now."

"Are you? Are you really?"

I sighed. I was wallowing, and I knew it wasn't a good idea to be doing it alone. It wasn't a good idea to be doing it at all. "No, I'm not."

"Will you let me in?"

Picking myself up off the floor, I turned the key in the lock. No sooner was the door open than Tanya had her arms around me, pulling my head down to rest on her shoulder. I could feel her breath on my ear as she spoke softly.

"I'm sorry if what we did upset you. I would have stopped if you'd asked me to, but I can't be sorry for the act itself. It's been over a year now, Edward. I'm sure she wouldn't have wanted you to be alone forever."

"I know, but—"

"Did you ever consider that your relationship was unhealthy?"

"No, why?" I had, of course, but I'd always thought me being a bloodsucking monster was the main reason for that.

"Your love was based on what, some romantic ideal of love at first sight, cosmic intervention or some such, but you were both from different worlds in more ways than just your genetic makeup. And then you put each other on pedestals while putting yourselves so far beneath the other, you couldn't hope to find the common ground to make it work. If you'd only allowed yourself to express yourselves physically—"

"I would have killed her." I winced. I had killed her without even touching her.

"You could have done what we've just done."

"I'd have lost control."

"Somehow I doubt that, Edward. You could easily have lost control with me, but you didn't. You could have taken things further, but you didn't. You were careful with me even when you didn't have to be."

She was right. I hadn't been rough, not in the way I knew my siblings were at times. Even Carlisle and Esme got carried away occasionally, not that I wanted to know about it. What was so different about me? Did I lack passion?

"I liked it, Edward. You made me feel—," and as her words ceased, her mind took over and spoke the word: loved.

Was that how I'd been? "I was a fumbling idiot," I muttered into her neck.

"You know that's not true. Your hands touched me exactly as and where I wanted, and I didn't have to utter a single word." I smirked, my melancholy mood finally beginning to dissipate.

I raised my head and took in her soft smile and the warmth in her eyes. She was truly beautiful, inside as much as out. How had I never noticed?

"Please forgive my manners," I said, returning her smile. "I believe I've kept you waiting. Would you allow me to escort you to dinner?"

…

The soft tone of his voice filtered into my brain and sent me wandering slowly along the corridors of my mind until I came to a heavy, wooden door.

The cast iron hinges stretching across the wood resembled spears, and the ornate bolts with curly tails pointed in every direction into the doorframe. The bolt below the handle was kept firmly in place with large padlock, and hovering in the air in front of that was a long, black key.

As the man removed his hat, I focussed on him once more. He pushed himself away from the tree and took a step forward out of its shadow. Only then did I notice the colour of his eyes.

I gasped, finally breathing in his scent. Oh no!

The key turned and the padlock sprung open, falling to the floor. The bolts drew back with a resounding clunk, and the door creaked slowly on its ancient hinges.

Inside the room, there were stacks upon stacks of dusty, cardboard boxes, which simultaneously turned into large, black vampire bats. They hovered in the air for a moment, their red eyes flashing, then circled the room and flew at me en masse.

I waved my arms around my head, frantically trying to fend them off, but it was no good.

"Oh shit, Bella! What's happening?"

My head swam with the onslaught of repressed memories. It was too much all at once, and try as I might, I could not shut it down. The revulsion I'd felt whenever I'd killed and fed from an animal was nothing in comparison to this.

Could a vampire throw up? Oh yes, I could, but only after eating something abnormal—not that I would ever be able to consider my current diet of animal blood normal.

I grasped at the nearest clump of ferns and started stuffing handfuls of the green fronds into my mouth.


	18. (I'm not me) I'm someone else

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **18\. (I'm not me) I'm someone else**

Once the retching had subsided, I wiped my mouth with the large, checkered handkerchief in my hand and turned unsteadily to face the male vampire.

He didn't appear to have moved from his original spot, leaning against the tree with his legs crossed at the ankles and his hat atop his head, but then how else could I have acquired a gentleman's handkerchief?

"Hello Jasper," I said.

"So you remember me now," he replied, straightening up.

"Yes, I do. You're Jasper Hale."

"I go by Jasper Whitlock these days." His eyes darkened briefly. "Can you tell me what just happened?"

"I… I haven't been able to remember who I am, not since I was... I mean I knew what I was, but I had no idea... Your voice, your scent… triggered something…"

I swayed a little, feeling almost dizzy. With so many recovered memories milling around in my head, it was a struggle to follow a single train of thought, let alone hold a conversation. I began to file away my thoughts into new boxes in my mind until I was ready to process them, only this time I left the boxes open—all except for the one labelled Riley. One thing at a time, I told myself.

Jasper took a couple of steps toward me. I took two back.

"Please don't come any closer," I said.

"Why not?" He frowned.

I wanted to lick him. What was that all about? I wanted to drag my tongue up the side of his neck and taste what I could smell. With his gift, he must have known what I was feeling, and with that recollection, I was mortified.

"Bella, can you remember when you last saw me?"

I closed my eyes. "We were in your house in Forks. It was my birthday. I cut my finger on some gift wrap and you… but… I thought about it later. The others were struggling too. Their bloodlust was probably fuelling—"

"Don't even think about making excuses for me, Bella. I went for you, plain and simple. I wanted your blood that day as if it were mine to take, and no one was going to get in my way."

"But they did."

"Yes. Emmett would never have let anything happen to his baby sister."

"So where is he now then?"

"Emmett thinks you're dead, Bella. All the Cullens do. You died just over a year ago when you took you own life by jumping off the cliffs at La Push."

"But not you. You didn't think I was dead, did you? You called me "the elusive Bella Swan."

…

Now that the floodgates were slightly ajar, I almost didn't recognise myself. Hunting became synonymous with another form of gratification as Tanya and I became more familiar with each other's bodies.

And yet we still spent much of our time together taking pleasure in doing simple things. We cleaned the house and tended Esme's garden. We read books, taking it in turns to lie with our head in the other's lap. Tanya was advancing quickly with the piano, so I wrote some pieces for us to play sitting side by side on the bench.

We each called our families—or at least, I tried to call mine. The only one to actually answer my call was Esme, but I knew she'd fill everyone in on my news just as she had told me theirs. (Carlisle was immersed in his work, Emmett and Rosalie were conquering Mount Everest, Alice was researching her family tree and Jasper wasn't saying much about anything.) It seemed all of us touched base with our mother even when we failed to talk to each other.

Tanya and I returned to the yarn store and bought more wool in a variety of colours, and as I knitted up each new pair of socks—one for each member of my absent family—I began to examine my feelings for the woman sitting beside me.

Our relationship had changed dramatically since she'd arrived. Was that simply because we were sharing a house and had no other companions, or was the lack of interference the very thing that gave us the chance to become close? Or was it that I had changed?

When I'd refused her blatant advances all those years ago, it had overshadowed what had previously been a close friendship. I had enjoyed her company, her stories and her humour. I'd liked her very much.

But her advances had scared the seventeen year old boy who'd been brought up to equate the sexual act with love and marriage. My virginity was something I was meant to give to one special person only.

Thinking back, I wondered how I'd resisted her. Had I truly been appalled by her liberated approach to sex, shocked by what I perceived to be a lack of morality? Or had I been scared by the feelings she ignited within me, scared that if I gave in to her advances, she would move on to the next man once she had gotten what she wanted from me?

I most certainly did not feel that way anymore. I'd begun to like myself and my life. I was happy, and when I looked at myself with Tanya, I saw a happy couple. We had fun, we shared interests, we ate together, and when we were intimate—when we explored each other in almost every way but one—my body responded to hers as if she were made for me.

…

"I've been looking for you for a while now," Jasper said. "You're impossible to track."

"Oh? Why is that?"

"You don't know? You mean to say you've been evading me without trying?"

I pressed my lips firmly together. Were all male vampires this up themselves? Perhaps that was why Tanya and her sisters preferred human men.

"May I come closer?" he asked.

Could I resist licking him if he did? I held my breath and nodded. He walked forward slowly until he was an arm's length away then leaned in, inhaling the air around me.

"Ah, so you do have a scent." His eyes darkened, and for a second, the tip of his tongue peeked out between his lips. By the looks of it, the desire to lick the other was mutual.

"A very nice one by all accounts," I said, smirking.

"Indeed." He pulled back minutely. "But you don't exude any kind of scent beyond your immediate person. Nor do you leave any kind of trail."

"And vampires don't shit in the woods, so I'm not much help there either, am I?"

"Funny," he said dryly.

"And you shouldn't be so damned supercilious when you're playing detective," I muttered.

"And you are virtually silent—when you're not talking!"

He stared at me, the furrows on his forehead deepening. A similar expression on another face flickered across my mind. Jasper was frustrated. With me.

Gritting my teeth and clenching my fists, I turned away from him. I knew better than to launch an attack on Jasper, much as I might want to. And I wanted to a lot, but I couldn't quite determine whether I would be using my teeth or my tongue.

"My apologies," he said. "I'm not intending to be rude, I'm just very—"

"I need to hunt."

"Of course. I'll join you, if you don't mind."

"I don't quite think we have the same prey in mind."

"Well, I know why you might be thinking that, but you'd be wrong. And besides, now that I've found you, I don't intend to let you out of my sight again."

"Good luck with that," I said, leaping across the river.


	19. Out to lunch

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **19\. Out to lunch**

Dammit! I thought newborns were supposed to be faster than old timers.

At over a year old, my newborn speed had obviously waned somewhat because Jasper never left my side until I had my prey in my sights. He kept his distance while I fed, but he didn't hold his tongue.

"Impressive, Bella! That grizzly didn't stand a chance," he said with pride. But it wasn't his approval I was craving, it was Emmett's. I really did miss my big brother now that I knew his existence wasn't a figment of my imagination.

I looked down at the carcass beside me and my stomach churned. I drew my knees up to my chest and curled in on myself.

"Bella, why are you sitting on the ground like that?"

Couldn't he tell? "I feel nauseous."

"Did you drink too much?"

"I'm not so good with blood."

"You never were." He reached out a hand to help me up, and when I didn't take it, he sighed. "We have a cabin a few miles north of the park. We can go there to talk, if you like."

"Aren't you going to hunt?"

"Not here." Of course not.

We ran through the forest, Jasper holding my backpack hostage to ensure I didn't bolt. He had tried again to hold my hand, but I'd argued that it would prove a little tricky, what with so many trees.

Apparently, we were in Montana, which was a surprise to me. I'd run so much in the previous few days, I'd assumed I'd all but crossed the continent. I must have turned back on myself much more than I'd thought.

We kept up a steady pace until a small log cabin came into view. "It's a little rustic," Jasper said, "but once we've got the fire going, it will feel like home."

It wouldn't. Home was far behind me, and I could never go back.

The one-room cabin had a bare minimum of furniture. On one side of the room there stood a dresser and a wood-framed double bed complete with faded patchwork quilt, and on the opposite side there was a stone fireplace. Two worn, brown leather armchairs had been arranged to face the hearth, and between them was a long, low table piled high with books.

Hanging on the wall to one side of the door was an old tin bath, and below it on the floor were two galvanised buckets.

"It's for show," Jasper said. "There's a separate wet room out back." Of course there was.

Jasper threw his hat on the bed, crossed the room and set my backpack on the floor by one of the armchairs. "Take a seat," he said and I did, watching him kneel in front of the fireplace. He set about starting a fire with logs from the basket beside the hearth.

Settling himself in the other chair, he let out a noisy breath and said, "It was me, Bella."

…

"Not here, Edward," Tanya said breathily as I licked my way back up to her chest. "We have to stop."

My hips were now perfectly aligned with hers. I was ready. I didn't want to stop.

"Edward!" Her hands grasped my face, forcing me to look at her. "You're a romantic at heart. You need your first time to be special, or you'll never forgive me. Or yourself."

She rolled us over and jumped up, pulling on her clothes as I watched.

"Come on," she said, offering me a hand up. "I'll race you home."

"No contest," I said, hopping from one foot to the other, trying to get my jeans back on. "I'm faster than you." I looked down to keep a careful eye on the teeth of my zipper as I eased it up slowly.

"Not with a hard on that size, you're not." She giggled and darted off through the trees.

I left my shirt and shoes behind and gave chase. I kept pace in a rather ungainly fashion some distance behind her, watching her bare backside as her skirt flew about in the breeze. It didn't help matters below the belt, but I was past caring.

"Thank you," I whispered to her hours later.

"For what? Taking your virginity?"

"For making it special, for understanding me, for thinking of my needs before your own."

"My needs were more than satisfied, Edward, several times."

I smiled. "Yes, but you saved my piano from certain ruin along the way."

"It was my fault. I shouldn't have teased you like that."

"Nothing gets me going like your behind." I ran my hand down her back and squeezed a buttock.

"I'm sorry I couldn't fulfil one part of your fantasy," she whispered, and I knew without words what she meant.

"I'm... I'm not there yet, Tanya, but I am falling. I don't think I could have done it otherwise."

"You mean that?"

"I do. You make me feel things I've never felt before."

"What, like a pair of tits and a puss—"

I stopped her with a kiss. "Your mouth is far too sweet to utter words like that."

"Says the man who was throwing out dirty talk mid-coitus!"

"Ah, now you're talking my language."

...

"What was you?" I asked.

"I was me that changed you," Jasper replied.

That was not at all what I was expecting.

"You?" I said. "How did you manage to stop? That's doesn't make any…"

He stood up, ran his hands through his hair and then bent to sweep some books off the table so he could sit right beside me. The memory it invoked was too sharp. I lifted the lid and shoved it firmly back in its box.

"There's a lot you don't know about me, Bella, but that can wait for another time. Suffice it to say, I'm no stranger to creating vampires, and though appearances may be to the contrary, I can control my bloodlust."

He unbuttoned the cuffs of his shirt and turned up the sleeves. I stared at the scars on his forearms, turned my own arm over to examine the scar I bore from James' attack, and then brought my eyes back to his.

"After the Cullens left Forks," he said, "the family fell apart. Edward ran away, and when Alice decided to take off after him, I went back to Forks to watch over you."

"Well you did a bang up job of that, didn't you? I killed myself!"

"My apologies. I was a little distracted at the time."

"You were distracted?" I winced. Even to my own ears, my voice was getting a little shrill.

"More than once and each time by Victoria."

Well, shit! "Why would you want to watch over me?"

"Because I was wracked with guilt. Though they denied it, everyone blamed me for what happened between you and Edward, none more than Alice. Hell, I even blamed myself, but… despite all that, you shouldn't have been left behind, vulnerable and unguarded. You shouldn't have been discarded like an empty chip packet."

"Nice analogy, Jasper, comparing human me to a snack."

"Thank you."

"I was being sarcastic!" I took a few deep breaths to calm myself, but regretted it as soon as I smelled his scent.

"I hate what I am, Jasper," I whispered.

"What? I thought you wanted to be one of us."

"I did, but now I know better."

"Life's what you make it, don't you think?"

"I'm dead."

"No, you're not, otherwise you'd be feeling nothing and that's not the case, is it?"

"No."

"What are you feeling?"

"You don't know?" He shook his head. "Overwhelmed, confused, aroused, angry. Mostly angry."

He raised an eyebrow. "Aroused, huh?"

I glared at him, leaning forward so that when I spoke, my venom splattered across his face.

"You left me in the forest alone. Just like him. I thought I was in hell. And then I was no one. Why would you go to all the trouble of saving me, only to bite me and leave me? Tell me, Jasper, what kind of sick minded individual does that?"


	20. Pieces of valentine

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **20\. Pieces of valentine**

Jasper wiped my venom off his face with his sleeve. "After I bit you, I didn't know what to do. I'd interfered when it wasn't my place to do so."

"You mean you changed me when Edward said not to."

"I should have let matters run their course. I was there to protect you, but then you jumped, and you nearly died and I… I couldn't allow that to happen." He hung his head. "I didn't go far when I left you. I only needed some time to think, but then I caught Victoria's scent. I had to lead her away from you."

"Did you kill her?"

"Yes, not long before you would have completed the change."

"But you didn't come back to find me."

"I did come back, but you'd already gone without a trace. It was as if you'd never existed. For what it's worth, I've been looking all over for you, but I never stood a chance with your gift. No scent, no sound, no feeling."

"Sorry about that. What can I say? I'm a stealth vampire."

His lips curled up slowly. "That you are."

"You really can't tell what I'm feeling?"

"Nope. It might work if you let me touch you, though," he said, winking at me.

"I don't think Alice would like that, do you?"

At the mention of his mate, he got up from the table and walked across the room to look out of the window.

"Did you know you're wearing Rosalie's boots?" he said.

"I am?" I stretched my legs out in front of me to look at them.

"And Emmett's hoodie. Where did you find them?"

"I followed your scent down a trail to a large cabin."

"Denali," he muttered.

"I used the shower in the outbuilding. The boots were hanging on the back of the door and the hoodie was in the dryer. Their scents were… comforting. Do you think they'll mind that I took their things?"

"Not at all," Jasper said, turning to face me. "We're going to have to tell them all. You know that, don't you?

"Why did you not tell them before?"

"With these eyes and no evidence, would you believe me?"

"Probably not," I said, reaching for my backpack. "I have something else—from the house in Forks." I brought out the antique comb, and he strode back across the room.

"That's mine!"

"Yours?"

"Yes. Alice said she'd lost it. I was quite upset. It might seem an odd thing to be sentimental about, but it means a lot to me."

"It was under the bed in your room," I said, offering it up to him.

"Was it now?" He sat back down on the table next to me, examined the comb carefully, turning it over in his hands before putting it in the front pocket of his shirt.

"Do you think Alice saw me? There was a window left open and things I needed—"

"There is such a thing as coincidence, Bella," he said abruptly. "Alice stopped watching for you the day we left Forks, and I hated her for it. Edward had asked her not to, told her to stop with her interfering, but he wasn't in his right mind and she knew it. Your decision to kill yourself must have been so strong, she couldn't avoid it, but she couldn't see you beyond that point."

"But I didn't die. You saved me—sort of."

"She didn't see me intervene. I was careful not to make any decisions from the moment we parted, and then after I bit you, it no longer mattered. She couldn't see me any more than she could see you. There was something about your blood…

"The announcement of your death served to confirm her vision, and I did nothing to disabuse her of it. When we met up again for your funeral, she took one look at me and assumed I'd slipped."

"Shouldn't your eyes have changed back by now."

"You'd have thought so, wouldn't you? But no, I've been stuck with them red for over a year."

...

When I looked at her, I found her beautiful. When she looked at me, I wanted to give her everything, and when she touched me, no one else existed.

When I thought of her leaving to return to her coven, I wanted to follow her. When I imagined her turning her attentions on another, my chest constricted. But when I remembered her in my arms, taking me inside her body for the first time, nothing else mattered.

During the little pockets of privacy we afforded each other, I managed to memorise the instructions for a new project. I ordered the necessary materials and waited. My ability helped me to pick up the mailman's thoughts well before his van came thundering up the driveway, so I was outside ready and waiting to receive the small parcel wrapped in grey plastic.

"What are you up to, Edward Cullen?" Tanya said as I came back into the house.

"Nothing," I replied, trying to get past her.

We ended up on the floor, her pinned beneath me, and I'd like to think I distracted her sufficiently.

Later that morning, after my shower, I sat with my back against my door, working on my new project. Tanya grew concerned when, after a few attempts to persuade me, I refused to come out.

"You're having second thoughts again, aren't you, Edward?" she said through the door.

"I'm not, I promise, but I am thinking—about you, about us. I just need some time alone to do it."

I listened to her footsteps retreating down the stairs, and then moments later, I heard the piano. Slow, melancholy songs filled the house. I would have to work fast because the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her.

At dusk, I went downstairs to find her on the couch with a blank expression on her face. I offered her my hand, and when she took it, I pulled her up gently and lead her out of the house.

We ran hand in hand to the small clearing in the trees that we favoured after a hunt. I sat on the grass and pulled her down onto my lap, presenting her with the parcel I'd been carrying inside my shirt. She carefully opened the tissue paper, laying it down on her thighs so she could pick up the pieces of emerald green crochet.

"You've made me a bikini?"

"It's a set of underwear really, but I don't mind how you wear it so long as I get to see it on you."

"And what have you got there?" she said, eyeing the bulge in my pants.

I pulled the second package out of my pocket and she tore at the paper, staring at the pair of matching stockings for a whole minute before turning her gaze on me. It didn't take very long for her to make the connection, and if she'd been able to cry, I'd have seen tears forming in her eyes.

"Do handmade stockings count?" I whispered.

"If the sentiment is the same."

I swallowed and nodded.

"Oh, Edward."

"Will you wear them for me?"

"Yes. I'll wear anything you make for me. Will you say it? Out loud?"

…

Jasper leaned toward me, his face close to mine. Venom pooled in my mouth, but I wasn't the only one licking their lips.

"Would you let me hold your hand now, please?" he asked.

"But Alice—"

"Alice is not my mate anymore. We're done."

"But Edward said—"

"That vampires only mate once, I know. It's a myth, Bella—one the Cullens seem hell bent on perpetuating."

"But he told me—"

"You think that if two people can't forgive each other, they should stay together? You think that now I'm alone, I'm doomed to never love again? No, Bella, I don't buy that. Vampires can fall in and out of love just as easily as humans can. We're capable of more than one type of love, so why shouldn't we be capable of loving more than one partner. Losing "the one" does not have to mean an end to our existence."

He raised an eyebrow and I stared at him open mouthed, not resisting when he reached for my hand and took it in his, rubbing his thumb back and forth over my palm.

There was no electric shock, no lightning bolt to the heart, but there was a sense of being found, unlost... complete. Oh, hell! I'd promised myself I'd never ever use that cheesy film quote.

"No!" I said, tugging my hand free with such force, he lost his balance and fell onto the floor.

"No?" The corners of his mouth were twitching.

I stood over him, fuming. "You might be my sire, but I do not want an intimate relationship with you!"

"Whyever not?" he said, smirking. "You're aroused by me. You've admitted as much yourself."

"Fuck! Yes, Jasper, I cannot deny I find you attractive. Your scent does things to me, but you just said it yourself—we can form bonds with more than one person. You might be one possibility in a whole spectrum of suitable candidates, but right now, I know who I want and it's not you."

"Who do you want?"

"Someone I can no longer have," I whispered, sinking back into my chair.

"Edward?" he said, incredulous.

"No," I sighed. "Wait! What? Why can't I have Edward?"


	21. If I were you

**21\. If I were you**

"I'm not riding on that, it's huge!"

"It's the fastest motorbike on the planet," Jasper said.

"That is not a bike; it has four wheels! Is it even legal?"

He grinned. "It's Emmett's baby. He said I could ride it whenever I wanted."

"Off-road, surely?"

"Would you rather we run?"

Jasper had refused to tell me why I couldn't have Edward, saying it wasn't his place. Then he'd posed the inevitable question: did I even want Edward?

I'd taken a while to think that one through. It didn't help matters that I was constantly skirting around a variety of issues. If I'd allowed myself to recall the other scents I'd encountered so many months ago, it would have been easy to deduce which scent belonged to my ex-vampire, but I wasn't ready to do that. Not yet.

I'd eventually concluded that I should see him, and that was when Jasper volunteered that Edward might have finally moved on. Finally, as in "it's a very recent thing, by all accounts."

He kitted me out with some spare gloves, a helmet and a black leather jacket, which fit quite nicely over the bulk of Emmett's hoodie. I was grateful for the need to cover our skin as it made it all the easier to sit behind him on the bike. The helmet reduced the intensity of his scent, but even through several layers of clothing, I was all too aware of his body, as I'm sure he was of mine.

The ride to Ithaca took just over twenty-four hours—twenty-four hours of swallowing down venom and keeping my hands from wandering from their neutral position on Jasper's abdomen. We rode as fast as was legally possible during daylight hours and took advantage of the night to flout the law. We only stopped to refill the gas tank.

When we pulled into the driveway of the imposing Cullen mansion, my stomach twisted. I removed my helmet, gloves and jacket and hung them all on the bike, sniffing the air and taking in the scents of the Cullen family.

One was far stronger than the others, but equally strong was a familiar scent that did not belong to any Cullen I knew. Pieces of information began to shift from one file to another in my mind.

"I can't guarantee I won't kill him," I said, handing my backpack to Jasper before I stormed up the path to the front door.

…

It was impossible to miss his arrival on that damned bike. I was sure Emmett had left the monstrosity locked up near our cabin in Montana.

Finishing off my row, I put down my knitting and frowned at Tanya. "It's Jasper," I said, "and for some reason he wants to know if I can still read his mind. I think he has someone with him, but I can't get a read on them."

The words I heard uttered outside soon had me on my feet, the hair on the back of my neck standing on end. I sniffed the air but could still only detect Jasper's scent. Tanya brushed past me, so I followed her out into the entrance hall, watching as she all but hid behind the door when she opened it.

Jasper's female companion strode right in, her long, brown hair swishing around her shoulders, and the temperature of my body dropped another ten degrees.

"Bella?" I whispered. "Is that really you?"

She flew across the hall and wrapped her arms around me. My response matched hers, but then I pulled her in closer and laid my cheek on the top of her head, finally able to breathe in her scent.

"I thought you were dead," I said as a barrage of thoughts came at me all at once.

Jasper silently asked again if I could read his mind, and at my nod, he began to fill me in on how the girl I had once believed to be my mate had miraculously survived suicide because he had rescued her and turned her into a vampire.

At the same time, Tanya showed her recognition of the vampire in my arms. Her memories of their meeting were intriguing. She'd had no more idea who Bella was at the time than Bella had had herself. Then the sorrow crept in, alongside the realisation that she would have to give me up.

Oh, no!

"You won't, Tanya." I said. "Everything has changed. It isn't what it was, is it, Bella?"

Bella turned her face into my chest and took a deep breath. "It was your scent!"

"What was?" I asked.

She pulled back a little, keeping her hands on my waist, and looked up at me.

"I've smelled your scent twice since my change: once in the house in Forks and then in Tanya's spare bathroom." She raised her eyebrows, her eyes boring into mine. Oh fuck! "Each time, it sent me into an unfathomable fury without me knowing why. I didn't know who I was back then, or who you were, but now the memories are back and everything in my head is where it should be and—"

Her hands left my body abruptly and she turned her back on me, wrapping her arms tightly around her midriff. As she curled in on herself, Jasper remembered a human Bella in much the same position. I could see how thin she was then, her skin dry and pale, and her eyes deep set, but… that wasn't the girl I had known. That wasn't the girl I had left. That was Bella after I had destroyed her.

"Hold on to her, Edward!" Jasper shouted.

I caught her before she collapsed, and with her shaking in my arms, I began to feel my own memories resurfacing—every word I'd said to her in the forest when I let her go. Every last damned lie.

…

I was sobbing, great gut wrenching, tearless sobs in the arms of the vampire that had left me for my own good, and he was sobbing too. I now knew how mistaken he had been, and knowing him as I once did, he would most likely have been torturing himself over it ever since he thought I'd died.

"I'm sorry, Bella. So very sorry," he said, his voice hoarse.

"If leaving is the right thing to do," I said, "then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."

"Yes, but I was wrong."

"I don't like what you did or how you did it, but now I understand why. And so help me, Edward, if I haven't gone and done the very same thing to someone who didn't deserve it any more than I did."

I pulled away then, my hands covering my face as I sunk to my knees on the polished wooden floorboards. "What have I done? I'm a monster!"

A hand landed on my shoulder.

"Who is it, Bella?" Jasper asked.

"His name is Riley," I said, sobbing into my palms.

"Where is he? I'll take you back to him."

"What?" I dropped my hands to see Jasper squatting beside me.

"Go back now before it's too late, like Edward should have done."

"But what… what if he can't forgive me, or if he's moved on? And he's human, Jasper. He has no idea what I am. How could I live with him, watching him grow older while I look like his lover, then his daughter and then his granddaughter?"

"Then change him."

"I don't want to change him! Oh. Oh! Edward, I'm so sorry. I never thought—"

Edward was in front of me in an instant, his hands gripping the tops of my arms, looking into my face. "I'll come as well. Jasper can tell you what Riley is feeling, and I'll know what he's thinking."

"Can I come too?" Tanya's voice was small and so very quiet. We all turned to look at her still standing by the front door.

Edward stood and beckoned her over and into his arms, the look on his face quite different to any I could remember. "Love," he said with his lips against her cheek, "I wouldn't go without you. I want you right by my side."

As the pair turned back to Jasper and I, Tanya reached out a hand to me. And just like the first time we met, as my hand slipped into hers, I felt at ease.

That ease lasted for all of a second. Jasper stood up, leaving me kneeling on the hard floor while he conversed with Edward in hurried whispers, nods and unspoken thoughts. Seemingly, they were making plans to fix my love life.

The weak smile that had begun to form on my face for Tanya turned into a grimace. Would some things never change?

"What the fuck am I doing?" I said to no one in particular.


	22. (Nothing but) The best intentions

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **22\. (Nothing but) The best intentions**

"Stop that this minute!" I said, venom spewing out of my mouth.

In exasperation, I had jumped to my feet still holding tight to Tanya's hand. I waved my other hand back and forth between the infuriating pair. "How do I know if I can trust either of you?"

Jasper backed away slowly with his hands up in front of his chest, not even bothering to wipe the droplets of venom off his cheek.

"You," I said, jabbing my index finger into Edward's sternum. "You left me. You lied to me. You made decisions about my life without consulting me, and then you walked away with your family—my family—and left me to die."

Edward opened his mouth, but Tanya's free hand was swift to cover it. Her other hand squeezed mine.

I turned to face Jasper, who now had his hands in his jeans pockets as he leaned casually against the wall with his legs crossed at the ankles. He looked me right in the eye.

"And you," I said, holding his gaze. "You tried to kill me once. How do I know you weren't just hanging around after everyone else had gone, just waiting for your moment to get it right? I made it easy for you, didn't I, committing suicide? Did it lessen the guilt? If Victoria hadn't interrupted you, you would have finished me off good and proper, wouldn't you?"

"I've never lied to you, Bella. Not then and not now."

My resolve was shaken but not enough to silence me. "You're both as much to blame for what I am as each other. You should have killed me, Edward, and you, Jasper, you should have let me kill myself. I'll take Tanya with me, if she's willing, but you two can butt the hell out of my business. I don't want you."

I sunk back down onto the floor, taking Tanya with me. I wrapped my arms around my bent legs, stared down at my knees and started counting, just like I had with her up on the mountain ledge in Denali. When I finally raised my head again, I realised we were alone.

"How do I come to terms with all of this?" I said. "My emotions are all over the place. There are things I haven't even had a chance to entertain, losses I can't even bear to think of, but…" I sighed, suddenly deflated. "I want to be understanding, I want to forgive them both, but then they go and… And if I can't forgive them, what hope do I have of ever being forgiven myself?"

"I'm sure they're both genuinely sorry," Tanya said, "as am I."

"What have you got to be sorry for?"

"If I'd known who you were—"

"Has he changed?"

She smiled. "I think so, yes."

"You know I don't feel… It was like hugging my best friend. An irritating best friend who I can't help but love even when he's got me so pissed I could tear his fucking—one, two, three, four…"

Tanya sat silently, waiting for me to regain control of my temper before she spoke again. "You know, we could go together, just the two of us, if that's what you really want, but I think the boys could be helpful. They want to help."

"You don't want to leave him behind, do you?"

She sighed. "I can't leave him, even if I wanted to. I made a promise to Esme and Carlisle. He's likely to think too much if left to his own devices, and he's spent far too many years doing that. You might understand his actions better now, but there's still a lot you don't know. Seeing you like this, after all this time, he's going to question everything he's done all over again."

…

"Why the fuck didn't you tell me! All this time, Jasper! I thought she was dead!"

"Look at my fucking eyes, Edward! I went against your wishes and interfered. Would you have believed me if I'd told you I'd bitten her without sucking her dry? Would you have believed my memories without hard evidence?"

He pictured everything for me again in glorious technicolour, from rescuing Bella from the ocean to returning to where he'd bitten her after dispatching Victoria, only to find her gone without a trace.

"No," I admitted. "I wouldn't have. Not back then"

"No one would. Not even Carlisle. The whole family has me down as the fuck up."

"You and me both now. Except maybe Emmett. He can rarely hold a grudge for longer than five minutes."

Jasper stared at me, waiting for the irrational overreactions I might once have had.

"You've changed," he said.

I smiled briefly. "What did Alice think when she saw you?"

"The worst. As did Carlisle and Esme. All three assumed I'd slipped, and when my eyes didn't change back, they assumed I'd carried on slipping. Alice couldn't stand it, not on top of what I'd done on Bella's birthday, and she hated that she couldn't see me anymore."

"She what? She's never said…"

"It drove her crazy, not knowing. I did it on my own at first, when I left Ithaca, just dodging decisions, running on instinct. And then, with Bella's blood in me..."

"She can't see either of you?"

"Not since I bit Bella, no."

"But I can still hear you."

"Weird, huh?"

"I wonder… Did she block me too?"

"She's always blocked you."

"Not that, our bond. I haven't felt it since she—Oh. Tanya, thinks we might be ready to go."

Knowing Bella had relented brought about a new train of thought in Jasper's mind. Though he'd been the one to suggest she return to her human lover, he was far from happy about it.

"Bella has been remarkably calm since I found her," he said, attempting to deflect me.

"She found you," I said, smirking at him.

He narrowed his eyes at me. "She says her memories are all back, but she hasn't even asked about Charlie or her mom."

"You care about her more than you want to admit, don't you?" I asked. He shook his head slowly. "I'm not the only one to be affected by that girl, am I?"

He looked down at his feet and sighed, and I got a clear image of just how affected he was by her, and he was about to let her go.

…

"If we're taking Carlisle's Mercedes, I'm driving," Jasper said, opening the car door.

I slipped under his arm, snatching the keys right out of his hand as I did so, and took my seat behind the steering wheel. I looked up to see him swaying with his eyes closed. Ha! I'd been holding my breath, and that wasn't going to change any time soon.

"Can't I drive?" Edward asked, pouting adorably. Once upon a time, I'd have found that pout utterly irresistible, but not anymore.

"No, Edward." Tanya said, running around the front to get in beside me.

"Why not?" he asked.

"You didn't say please," she said, "and besides, Bella is the only one who knows where we're going."

He got in behind me and scowled into the rear view mirror. I didn't have to be able to read his mind to know what he was thinking because he said it out loud.

"Once a cop's daughter always a cop's daughter," he muttered. "Your driving is even slower than Carlisle's."

While I began counting, Jasper finished loading our things into the trunk and took his seat beside Edward. He stared longingly at Emmett's bike as we rolled slowly out of the garage and down the driveway.

It had been a long time since I'd driven any kind of vehicle, so I was relieved to find it was still second nature, though the Mercedes was a far cry from my old, beat up truck.

Suppressing my grin, I drove slow and steady through the city streets, to the obvious irritation of my backseat passengers, biding my time until we hit the Interstate. Then, under the cover of darkness, I put my foot down.


	23. Look behind you

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **23\. Look behind you (there's the man you're chasing)**

The door to Riley's apartment building had been left ajar, so I pushed it open and hurtled up the stairs to his apartment, digging his keys out of my jeans pocket as I went. I unlocked the door and immediately my nostrils were assaulted, but not by Riley's delicious human scent.

The smell emanating from the main room alone was rank. The coffee table was littered with half empty glasses and the kitchen table strewn with dirty plates and mugs. The sink was full to overflowing and the counter top covered in liquor bottles.

His bedroom looked like it had been caught up in a whirlwind. I sniffed at the bed and recoiled. The sheets reeked of a revolting mix of stale alcohol and sweat, and there was dried blood on the pillows. The bathroom was no better with traces of vomit on the floor and in the toilet bowl.

Oh, Riley.

Jasper and Edward both sniffed tentatively at a piece of his clothing, then held it out to Tanya. I cringed.

"We'll find him, Bella" Jasper said.

And find him we did, but not quite in the state that I had feared. He wasn't lying in a pool of his own blood, although blood had been spilled. I didn't have to beg Edward to stitch him back together, nor did I have to make any agonising on the spot decisions about changing him without his consent.

Riley was sitting hunched over on the back step of a college bar by the dumpsters with blood on his knuckles.

Jasper yanked me back into the side alley, pressing me against the wall of the building. At first, I thought it was because of the blood, but I'd held my breath at the first hint of that, and in doing so, I had missed the telltale scent of another human being.

…

Dammit! Trust Bella to find herself someone whose mind was as closed off as hers.

But the boy was not alone. On his far side, almost out of sight, sat a petite girl with long, dark brown hair. As we got closer, I noticed she was not dissimilar to Bella, though her eyes were blue, and her scent was nothing special. Unlike Bella, though, I could hear her thoughts loud and clear.

The journey had been a long one, despite Bella's unexpected penchant for speeding. Carlisle would have kittens if he ever found out that she'd put his precious Mercedes through its paces and risked a ticket or several.

Jasper had cracked his window open within five minutes of our departure, trying to curb his reaction to Bella's scent which was all the more powerful because she had the vents wide open on the dash. I found it quite refreshing to be able to breathe freely around her without any adverse effects.

The women talked about anything and everything up in the front. I listened in, knitting an intricate, cable-patterned sock for Carlisle while Jasper stared out of his window into the darkness, reciting an impressive array of Confederate speeches to keep me out of his head. Then, as we approached the Oregon state line, Tanya's questioning turned their conversation in a new direction.

"What made you fall in love with Riley?" she asked.

Jasper's inner monologue came to an abrupt halt midway through the Cornerstone speech. I rested my knitting on my lap.

"He took me in off the street without any thought for his own safety and just cared for me," Bella said. "He bought me clothes from a thrift store and found me plain cotton underwear and, um, crop top bras. Comfortable stuff, you know, that I'd have chosen myself."

I looked up and caught Bella's eye in the rearview mirror, smirking at her. I knew exactly why those clothing choices would appeal to her. She'd never had time for unnecessary extravagance. Neither had she been particularly fond of showy, designer clothes.

Out of the corner of my eye, I glimpsed Jasper's reflection in the window. He was dabbing at the corners of his mouth with a checkered cotton handkerchief.

"He… He sat and read books with me," Bella said, "side by side on the couch. It was the first time I'd felt like me in so long. Then he found me a job so I could earn my own money, and it made me feel like I could contribute, like we were both on the same footing."

I fiddled with the strand of yarn attached to my needles and was about to pick my knitting back up when she continued.

"And all the things about me that should have scared him off, should have told him I wasn't worthy of his affection, they didn't seem to matter to him."

Ah. I'd known someone like that once. I caught her gaze in the mirror again and held it just for a moment. She gave me a small smile and I smiled back. We understood each other.

Then her eyes shifted toward Jasper and darkened. "He… He wasn't afraid to touch me, and when we made lo—"

"I need to hunt!" Jasper said, his fist clenched so tightly around his saturated handkerchief that he was squeezing drops of venom out of it onto his jeans.

"But we're nearly there!" Bella said, exiting the Interstate and taking the road toward downtown Eugene.

...

The girl had her hand on Riley's back and her face close to his as she talked.

"It's time you stopped doing this," she said. "You can't go on drinking yourself stupid and picking fights in bars. This isn't like you, Riley. I thought Diego was your friend."

Riley lifted his head and turned to face her. "I miss Bree," he said.

"Who's Bree?" whispered Tanya.

"Me," I whispered back. "That's the name he gave me when I didn't know who I was."

The girl's voice was tender as she tried to comfort him. "She isn't coming back, Riley." She wiped the tears from his face with the cuff of her long-sleeved T-shirt and leaned in. "Why can't you see what's right here in front of you?"

"She's in love with him," Edward said as we all watched her kiss Riley full on the mouth. "Has been since before he met you."

Oh hell. Was she his first? The one that left him? Well, she was back now.

An odd choking noise came out of my mouth. Jasper and Tanya grabbed me by the arms, turning me away from the scene that was tearing at my heart, but they needn't have bothered. My legs had lost all ability to hold me upright.

"Don't lose it." Edward said, his mouth close to my ear. "Don't underestimate his feelings for you. Have some faith. He wants you, Bella, you know it. Don't repeat the mistakes we made."

But I only heard what he didn't say. He didn't tell me what Riley was thinking.

"No!" I heard Riley shout. I craned my neck, straining to see what was going on over my shoulder.

Riley was on his feet, pacing up and down in front of the dumpsters, his hands clenched into fists. "I miss her," he said. "I love her. I'm sorry if that hurts you, but I do. I'm not ready to move on. But you're right. I need to stop behaving like this in case she comes back."

And then he pulled open the backdoor to the bar and held it, head bowed, waiting for the girl to go back inside before he followed her.

"Now what do we do?" I said as Jasper and Tanya relaxed their grip.

"Give him a chance to get his act together, then go visit him." Jasper said, turning to face the other end of the alleyway. "Let him have some dignity."

"No," said Tanya gently. "Go to him now and apologise. Stop the suffering as soon as possible, for both your sakes."

I looked at Edward. If he could have cried, I suspect there would have been a tear or two running down his cheeks. He felt for Tanya's hand and interlocked his fingers with hers. "It's what I should have done, Bella. It's what you would have wanted me to do."

"But what do I tell him?" I whispered. "I can't tell him the truth, can I?"

No one had an answer to that.


	24. Is he blue or is he red?

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **24\. Is he blue or is he red?**

In the early hours of the morning, sated from my hunt, I walked slowly up to Riley's apartment building. The black Mercedes crept along behind me with Tanya at the wheel, waiting for me to enter the street door before she sped off into town.

Outside the apartment door, I listened for a moment, and then using my key, I let myself in.

Riley was standing in the kitchen with his back to me, filling the sink with hot water. The dirty dishes were stacked up beside him ready to wash, and the trash can was crammed full with decaying food and empty bottles. I glanced at the coffee table to see the glasses had been replaced with a neat pile of books.

I faked a cough and Riley's body stiffened. "Need a hand?" I asked, not daring to move.

"Bree?"

"It's Bella. My name is Bella."

He turned around slowly, his yellow rubber gloves dripping water all over the floor. He looked me up and down, and I wondered if he'd noticed that I hadn't changed my clothes since I'd left.

"Bella, huh?" he said. "Yeah, that fits. Your memory's back?" I nodded. "So, how long are you here for this time?"

My throat constricted. "For as long as you'll have me." If you'll have me.

He looked down at the gloves on his hands and started to pull them off, muttering, "You don't have that long."

"Ah, that's where you're wrong."

"What?" He tossed the gloves onto the drainer behind him, and they slipped straight off into the water.

"I'm sorry," I said, glancing at the scabs on his knuckles.

"I know what you are."

"What?!"

"You're a liar and a thief."

I crossed my arms over my chest. "I didn't steal anything from you."

"You stole my heart—"

"Oh, Riley!"

"And my choices. I would have come with you if you'd asked me to. If you'd let me."

"I'm sorry. I should have known better. I do know better, but…"

He raised his eyebrows waiting for me to finish my sentence.

"It's complicated," I said.

"I'm not an idiot, Bella. I know you're different, but it doesn't matter to me. None of that ever mattered. I loved you for who you were not what you were."

Loved. Past tense.

"I was cruel," I whispered.

"Yes, you were."

"It hurt me to hurt you, but… I thought you'd see through me. I hoped you'd see through me and call me on it, but you didn't. You believed the lies."

"Yeah, well, I've been left behind before. It does wonders for your self esteem, you know, especially when it happens soon after you've bedded the girl."

"Oh."

"That's what made your mind up, wasn't it? Sex. With me. You see, I thought we had something, but maybe I wasn't what you needed and—"

"It wasn't just sex. We made love, and it was beautiful, and I never wanted it to end. But… you're right. It was the reason I decided to leave, but not in the way you're thinking. I… I was falling, and I was scared I would hurt you… physically. I'm much stronger than I look, and I'm dangerous and—"

"Tell me about this falling. Did you ever land?"

All the time I'd been talking, he had been moving closer and closer until he was standing about a foot in front of me. I took a tentative breath in and my mouth watered.

"Yes," I said, looking up at him. "Funnily enough, I did. I landed up in love with you."

"I lo—" I put my hand over his mouth, and his eyes narrowed as he mumbled into my palm. "Are you ever going to let me say it?"

"I need to right some wrongs first," I said, "if you'll let me."

He took my hand from his mouth and held it against his heart. I took comfort in its steady rhythm while I talked.

"You thought I was bored, and it's true, I was, but never with you. I didn't want to leave you, but I felt that I should before we got in too deep, but… I didn't give you a choice, and I know how wrong that was, and I'm so very sorry. I wanted you to come with me, and it almost broke my heart to refuse your offer. I can't cry tears that you can see, but believe me when I say I felt like I was crying that day… and now too and… even though I don't deserve you, I can't help wanting you."

"You want me?"

"Yes."

"Prove it."

"Not until you've changed your sheets."

He smirked. "I knew I should have done those first," he said, pulling me into his arms and kissing me.

…

"You should tell her, Jasper," I said, showing him yet another property on my phone.

"Tell her what, exactly?" he said, running his finger around the rim of his coffee cup.

"That you have feelings for her."

"It's just lust, Edward." He sighed, looking out of the window toward the yarn store across the street.

"It's more than that. I might not be able to feel the intensity of your feelings for her, but I can—."

"Stay out of my fucking head, Edward!"

"You've been searching for her for over a year. Why would you do that if it was just lust? You hate yourself for leaving her during her change, even though you did it to protect her from Victoria, but it isn't just guilt either, is it? And we've both taken away too many of her choices. We've got to learn from our mistakes, and she needs to see that we have, otherwise what's the point?"

"She wants Riley. He's her choice."

"You should still tell her," I said, opening another web page. "How about this one?"

"Fine. Book an appointment."

Setting my phone down on the table, I watched Tanya exit the yarn store with a large, purple shopping bag. The middle aged man leaning against the storefront waiting for his wife looked up from his phone to stare at her backside as she crossed the street. The breeze was ruffling the hem of her skirt, teasing him and me both.

"I couldn't read Riley's mind," I said, trying my best to ignore the lewd thoughts from across the street. Tanya winked at me as she stepped up onto the sidewalk.

"I got nothing either," Jasper said.

"Do you think it's her? That she's done something to him?"

"It's not as if he could have tasted her blood." He looked at me, his eyes widening in horror at the same time as mine. "Her venom?"

"Fuck! Do you think she…? When they...?"

"I have no fucking idea how her gift works."

"Eleazar couldn't make head nor tail of it either," Tanya said, sliding into the booth beside me, "and she got really pissed when he tried."

…

We sat at the scrubbed kitchen table, Riley drinking a black coffee while I played anxiously with the cuffs on my hoodie.

My admission that I didn't intend to move straight back in had been met with silence while we made up his bed. Perhaps I should have waited, but it didn't feel right to jump into bed with him before we'd talked some more.

Stupidly, I hadn't thought beyond my apology, probably because I hadn't really expected it to be accepted so easily. He'd acknowledged the return of my memory, but insisted it made no difference to how he felt about me. I had my doubts about that, but at the same time I was unsure how much I could tell him if he asked.

How could I explain my vampire family, if you could call it that, when I didn't even know where I stood with them myself? I wasn't even sure if I wanted them.

Maybe it was presumptuous of me, but I was assuming they would help me obtain some form of identification so I could get a job and a place of my own for a while, but what name would I use? I could hardly be Bella Swan when she was officially dead.

Our stony silence was broken when Tanya pressed the buzzer on the outer door and asked for her cousin Bella.

When she entered the apartment with Edward and Jasper in tow, she simply introduced them as my brothers. Other than a slight grimace when he shook hands with Jasper, Riley seemed completely unaffected by having four vampires in his apartment. Perhaps if Jasper had removed his shades it would have been a different story.

Edward stated that he and Jasper would be waiting in the car down the street as we had an appointment to look at a property within the hour. With Tanya hovering, Riley had little option but to give me a brief hug goodbye.

"I don't want you to go," he whispered in my ear. "When will you be back?"

"I'll come back sometime tomorrow, I promise."


	25. Paper world with paper faces

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **25\. Paper world with paper faces**

"Jasper wants to run something by you," Tanya said as we walked to the car. "He wants to help you, but you're going to have to accept that he might put his foot in it. He's not used to being out of the loop, empathetically speaking."

"You mean he's not used to being unable to sway someone's opinion in his favour," I said. She smirked.

Jasper was sitting behind the wheel with the engine already running. Edward was in the back seat dipping into a purple shopping bag full of yarn, playing with the skeins and putting different colour combinations together. I looked at Tanya and raised an eyebrow.

"Sit with him," she said. "I think he'll find it hard when we go back home."

I climbed in the back, and as Jasper pulled away, I turned to Edward. "You're leaving?"

"Yes," he said. "Once you're settled here, Tanya and I will go back to Ithaca and contact the rest of the family. I suspect they'll want us to close up the house and find somewhere nearer…"

My mouth was hanging open.

"Too soon?" he said, frowning.

"I… I don't know. I'm… I…"

"I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean it to look like we wouldn't ask first, it's just I know they'll want to see you—to know you're really alive."

I chose not to debate that last bit and instead dug into his bag of yarn, pulling out three different coloured skeins: green, brown and golden yellow. "These remind me of Forks," I whispered, looking up at him. His smile didn't reach his eyes.

Jasper drove for about fifteen minutes before turning off the road onto a bumpy dirt track. What Carlisle didn't know about his car's suspension wouldn't hurt him, would it?

We came to a stop outside a cute, little log cabin surrounded by trees. I was beginning to sense a theme. As we were getting out of the car, a motherly woman wearing an apron opened the door to the cabin and beckoned us in to look around. We climbed the steps and followed her inside, but there wasn't really room for the five of us.

The living area comprised a couch, a coffee table and a television aside some French doors. A small dining table and two chairs were set against the opposing window. In the middle of the room there was a wrought iron spiral staircase which led up to a bedroom in the loft, though it barely had enough space for the double bed. Downstairs again, the compact but well equipped kitchen lead to another door, behind which there was a surprisingly spacious bathroom.

We filed back through the cabin and out of the front door.

"Walk with me, Bella," Jasper said, holding out his hand.

Where was that asking Edward had talked about? I refused his hand, but wandered through the surrounding woodland beside him, listening to the trickle of the nearby stream.

"Would you like to rent the cabin?" he asked eventually.

"I don't know if I can afford it, Jasper, even if I still have my cleaning job."

"You don't understand, Bella. I'm going to be staying here with you."

...

The owner of the cabin handed me the paperwork and walked further down the dirt track to the main house, her thoughts fixed on shaping the bread dough she had proving.

I leaned against the side of the car, watching Bella maintain a certain distance from Jasper as they walked further into the woods. Tanya stood in front of me, unbuttoned my shirt a little way, wrapped her arms around my waist and kissed my chest.

"Do you think she'll let him stay with her?" I asked, burying my nose in her hair.

"She needs one of us right now. It might as well be her sire."

"I don't want to tell my family."

"Why not?"

"Emmett won't hold back, even if I beg him to. He'll be here like a shot, and with him comes my sister, and whatever she thinks, she'll be sure to tell us without reservation. Esme will be a tamer version of Em, and Carlisle will want to analyse the hell out of whatever Bella has going on with her gift and, well, you of all people know how well that will go down." I took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. "And then there's Alice."

Tanya pulled her upper body back to frown at me. "Why would Alice be a problem? She loves Bella, doesn't she?"

"Alice will not like that she has been effectively running blind for over a year."

"With Jasper and Bella maybe, but not everyone, surely?"

"Ever since she left me with you in Denali, she's kept quiet about her visions. She's barely even talked to me in months."

"Maybe she doesn't want to interfere anymore."

"Come on, Tanya, this is Alice we're talking about. Once she's back in the thick of it, she'll be meddling in everybody's business, and recently, I've discovered I'd rather not know the future. I prefer discovering it for myself."

"I love you, Edward. She can't change that."

"No, but she'll have us second guessing every single decision we make."

"Not if we stick really close together." She grinned wickedly and leaned up to kiss me.

As our tongues met, I let my hands drift down her back to cup her behind, pressing her body firmly against mine. Her left thigh slid up my right leg, and in her mind she pictured herself doing some very naughty things with me in the back seat of Carlisle's car.

I broke our kiss, breathing heavily. "That's the kind of vision of my future I don't mind seeing," I whispered. "Show me again."

…

My human self had always resisted Edward's money, his offers of help and his gifts. I never wanted to feel beholden, and I never felt I was a worthy recipient. I'd always been used to taking care of myself and, when I'd lived with her, my mother too. My father, on the other hand, had quietly done little practical day to day things to show how much he cared for me, much like Riley.

I stood still with my eyes closed, trying to work out what I wanted from Jasper and his family. I knew I couldn't do everything for myself at this point in time, not if I wanted to live among humans, and Jasper sure owed me for putting me in this position, didn't he?

But was it wise to share a home with someone I was so physically attracted to while being in love with another man? Probably not, but the alternative looked an awful lot like a backward step.

The rental contract signed and delivered to our new landlady, Tanya and Edward drove us to Seattle where we hugged and said our temporary goodbyes, but not before Edward had produced two tissue paper wrapped packages for Jasper and I from his bag in the trunk. We had to promise not to open them until we were back at the cabin.

Jasper took my hand and dragged me down a side street into a grimy looking diner. We headed toward the booth at the back, sitting down opposite an older man in a pale, grey suit. He was dabbing the sweat off his balding head with a paper napkin, though it wasn't particularly warm in there.

The man pushed an A4 manila envelope across the grease ridden table, his puffy-fingered hand trembling. "Everything is there as you requested, Mr Jasper," he said.

Jasper opened the envelope and looked inside then took a smaller, white envelope from his jacket pocket and passed it to the man. He nudged me to get up, and we left quickly, ducking down an alleyway further along the street to put the contents of the envelope into my backpack.

It appeared the Cullens had been prepared for an "accident" well before they left Forks. Their contact had kept a full set of documentation ready for me on file, complete with golden yellow eyes in the passport photo. I also had a high school diploma, a checking account, a credit card and a brand new name.


	26. A plan of yours

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **26\. A plan of yours**

Before we left Seattle, Jasper kitted me out with a cell phone and a red pickup truck from a used car lot, which he let me drive back to our rented cabin in Eugene. We were silent for the majority of the journey, both of us keeping our breathing to a minimum.

"You've been awfully quiet," he said as we approached the turn off for the dirt track. "You're not happy with the name?"

"It would have been nice to have been given a choice, but if I'm going to be anyone's sister..."

"We can change it if you want. How does Isabella Whitlock sound?" he said brightly.

I gritted my teeth because gripping the steering wheel wasn't an option. Neither was wringing his neck, unfortunately. "How am I supposed to explain living with you to Riley?"

"Don't, unless he asks, then tell him what Tanya said. I'm your brother."

"Right," I said, "because we look _so_ alike."

"Better yet," he said, laughing now, "I can be your brother-in-law, seeing as your brother by blood is married to my sister."

"Whose maiden name is still Hale, I presume!"

He glared at me as if I was spoiling his fun.

"And I'm living with my infuriating brother-in-law because…?"

"Hell, Bella, what does it matter? Use the standard family line and say we're all adopted."

I parked the truck carefully then jumped out and hurried into the cabin with my backpack, quickly scaling the spiral staircase. Jasper followed a few minutes later and sat down beside me on the bed.

He was too close, too tempting and too damned irritating.

"I want a normal life, Jasper. A quiet, simple, normal life. I wasn't doing too badly on my own, apart from messing things up with Riley, but now everyone is going to stick their oar in, and I don't want it. I don't want them."

"You don't want to see them?"

"No. It'll be like before, I know it. I'll become the family pet all over again."

He sniggered, but quickly wiped the smile off his face. "Not this time around, Bella. I won't let that happen and neither will Edward."

Edward. I looked down at the backpack between my feet then leaned forward to retrieve the packages he'd given us. Inside the tissue paper wrapping, we each had a pair of hand knitted, woollen socks. Jasper's were thick and ribbed in a soft grey colour while mine were finer and striped in all colours of the rainbow. Both pairs were long enough to wear under our boots.

Tucked inside the leg of one of mine was a handwritten note:

 _Bella, something about this yarn really appealed to me, and I had to make these socks even though I had no idea who'd wear them. I think maybe they were meant for you all along. Edward_

"My mother used to knit me socks," Jasper said, staring down at the pair in his hands. "She always said it showed how much she loved me."

I lay back on the bed, sighing when he joined me and took hold of my hand. He stared up at the rough hewn logs that formed the roof and started talking.

...

The journey back home was an eventful one, full of exploration and discovery.

When Tanya detoured from our route the first time, she gave me the impression it was to refill the gas tank, but she drove straight past the gas station and found a secluded parking spot at the edge of a forest.

She lifted her bottom off the seat, put her hands up under her skirt and proceeded to peel off the emerald green panties I'd crocheted for her. She hung them provocatively on the rearview mirror.

Just the thought that she'd been wearing those under that skirt, and had managed to surprise me, had me fit to burst.

"Get in the back seat, Edward," she said, "with your pants around your thighs."

I almost tripped over my own feet, trying to get out of the car, but my embarrassment was quelled by the joyful sound of her laughter.

She teased me as she rode me, only undoing two of the buttons on her blouse, allowing me to peek inside and watch her breasts bouncing beautifully in the emerald green bra.

She had a second "vision" several hours further along, changing course completely to find the dense cover of another forest. We raced each other into position on the back seat, Tanya kneeling on all fours and teasing me with that flirty skirt and her naked bottom. I put every effort into making her vision come true, even ensuring that her panties swung to and fro from their spot on the rearview mirror, just as she had foreseen they would.

She let me drive after that, preparing me with her mind before she leaned over to undo my pants and take me in her mouth. It was the only time I obeyed the ridiculously slow speed limit.

Hours later, I returned the favour at the edge of a cornfield with her splayed out over the hood, blouse undone and the crocheted bra on full display. And when I eventually kissed my way up her body and entered her, I declared my love for her over and over.

The hood would come clean, but no amount of detailing would completely eradicate the scents we'd left on the leather upholstery of Carlisle's Mercedes.

When I thought of how strongly Carlisle had urged me to pursue a physical relationship, it seemed fitting to leave him some evidence that I'd taken his fatherly advice to heart. It also made me feel a lot better for all the mental torture I'd been forced to endure with his sanction.

...

I learned a lot about Jasper Whitlock that night, lying there watching the expressions on his face as he recounted his own life story. Some of it was terrifying and some of it heartrending. I understood then how much he had struggled to be part of the Cullen family for Alice's sake, and how eventually, after almost losing that fight one fateful September evening, it had resulted in heartbreak all round.

The pull we felt toward each other troubled me, though. If the concept of mates was just that, a concept, why would it be so hard to resist him? And why him and not Edward, who had caused me no end of sexual frustration when I was still human?

As dawn broke, I let go of Jasper's hand and began to reorganise my backpack, emptying out my clothes into one of the built-in drawers under the bed. I'd need to find myself a smaller bag, or a purse perhaps.

Jasper joined me on the drive into the city, saying he wanted to visit the stores. He waited in the truck outside the professor's house while I apologised to her for my sudden departure and asked if I could have my job back. I realised when she called me Bree that I had a little more explaining to do.

She bought my carefully crafted version of the truth, intrigued by the story of the girl who woke up in the woods without knowing who she was. When I said that I'd like to apply to the university to study English, she took my phone number and said she'd let me know if a job became available for an assistant in her department or in one of the campus libraries. It would give me something more to do and maybe help my application.

Climbing back into the cab of the truck, I looked across at Jasper and he smiled. "You'll do alright," he said.

A few minutes later, I parked down the street from Riley's apartment. We both got out of the truck, but instead of saying goodbye and heading toward the stores, Jasper followed me.

"What are you doing?" I asked, putting my key in the door.

"Being sociable," he replied with a wide grin and a glint in his eye.


	27. Answering the call

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **27\. Answering the call**

Riley was still in bed when we entered the apartment. I stole into his room and crept under the covers for a hug. He wrapped his arms around me sleepily, pressing his groin against my thigh and his lips against my neck.

"My brother is in the other room," I whispered, writhing against him.

"Which one?" His hand crept up under my T-shirt.

"Jasper. Mmm. Edward and Tanya had to go back home."

"Mmm. He doesn't look much like you."

"No," I said, "he's adopted." There, I could do the lying thing, but perhaps not the sex thing right that minute. I wiggled my hands in between us and gently pushed Riley away. "Go get in the shower, and I'll make you some breakfast."

Jasper sat at the kitchen table, sniggering and snorting while I made Riley some coffee and a grilled cheese sandwich. Riley's shower took longer than usual, and with our enhanced hearing, we knew precisely why.

When Riley sat down opposite Jasper, I set his sandwich and his coffee down, placing an additional mug of milky coffee in front of my infuriating sire. I turned back to clean up the counter, hiding the huge grin on my face.

Jasper left his coffee half finished, saying he'd make his own way back to the cabin, but as I closed the door and turned around, Riley didn't seem very happy.

"He wants you," he said.

"Who does?" I frowned, hoping my expression conveyed complete ignorance.

"Your _adopted_ brother. I noticed it yesterday too. He licks his lips whenever he looks at you, and he's always staring at your neck. And what's with the red eyes?"

Shit! Jasper had forgotten to wear his sunglasses.

"Are you jealous?" I asked, deflecting.

"Wouldn't you be if someone made it plain as day they wanted me?"

Yes, I would. I had been when I saw that girl kiss him full on the mouth behind the student bar.

"What's worse," Riley said, standing up and stalking toward me, "is that you do the same to him."

"What? I do not!" I was angry, but at myself, not Riley. I was hurting him again.

He placed his hands on the door on either side of my head and leaned down. "Was he the one? The one before me that you couldn't remember?"

"No," I whispered. "There was no one before you." Not sexually, anyway. It probably wasn't in my best interest to mention my relationship with Edward right then, if ever.

His hands and lips were suddenly everywhere. I'd read the kind of romantic stories where the hero takes the heroine up against the door, and I was all for trying it, but I couldn't help worrying he'd notice I was unusually heavy.

Kissing him, I walked him backward to the couch, narrowly avoiding landing us on the coffee table. I pushed him down and straddled his lap, staring at his face as I pressed my hips into his. He was beautiful.

I ran my fingers through his hair, pulling at it until he tilted his head back. I licked his neck. Delicious.

We were meant to be talking, but I was past the point of caring. I had a craving that needed to be satisfied.

…

Once again I was riddled with guilt over my family, though Tanya insisted it wasn't my fault. How could I have known?

I'd put off telling Esme and Carlisle about Bella for just a few days, only to open my emails and find one from my mother saying that she and Carlisle were joining Rosalie and Emmett in the Himalayas for a short vacation.

Tanya and I debated making the journey to Nepal, but without their itinerary, we had little hope of finding them quickly. It was almost another week before they were back within cell phone reception.

Emmett was the first to pick up my message and call me back. I asked him to gather the family together and then asked the four of them to please refrain from talking until I'd told them everything. And then I dropped the proverbial bombshell.

From their silence, I could tell that all four were in shock, but then they started talking over each other, getting louder and louder until Carlisle shouted, "Quiet! Hand me the phone, Emmett!"

"Edward," he said, "have either you or Jasper been in touch with Alice?"

I sighed heavily. "She won't answer or return my calls, and I think if Jasper had wanted her to know, he'd have called her already."

"Perhaps Esme will have more luck with her." He paused for a moment, and I heard a few muffled sentences before he spoke to me again. "I'm barely two months into this exchange, Edward. If I leave now, it will draw a lot of attention. I'll have to see what can be done when Esme and I get back to Geneva. Meanwhile, Emmett and Rosalie will make arrangements to come home directly."

"I'll be honest, Carlisle, I'm not sure how much of a welcome any of you will receive from Bella."

"Then we'll just have to take our chances, won't we?"

…

While I waited to hear from the professor about a job, I looked into applying to the university, soon realising that the financial side of things had been complicated by my new identity. I could apply for scholarships based on academic merit but doubted I'd be eligible for assistance based on financial circumstances. Using Cullen money did not sit well with me.

Between his classes and work shifts and my few short hours cleaning, Riley and I began to go out on dates together. We visited the Saturday market, where I bought myself a purse. We wandered around the art museum, took in a movie, and walked hand in hand in the park—anything we could do that didn't involve food and always weather permitting.

Some nights, I sat and read beside him while he studied then rewarded him for working so hard by taking him to bed. He knew by then that I would slip out once he was asleep, but I didn't tell him it was because I was meeting Jasper for dinner. To make up for my nocturnal absences, I would sometimes sneak back into his apartment at dawn and help him work up an appetite before breakfast.

And the more we dated, the more we learned about each other, although he didn't seem to have much to say about his past, and I had to employ many feints and half truths in order to talk about mine.

Jasper was always at the cabin, his head in a book and his feet on the table, whenever I returned. His was a steady presence. He'd bought himself a shiny, new, Italian motorbike for when I took the truck, but how often he used it I couldn't say.

Little things appeared among my possessions—a bracelet made with stone beads and leather thong, a printed cotton scarf with silky tassels, a secondhand book, and then a pendant to match the bracelet. And curiously, my laundry was always up to date and my leather boots always cleaned and polished.

On the morning of the third Saturday since my return, I entered Riley's apartment intending to spend the day with him while he studied. Along the way, I'd picked up a fresh, crusty loaf, some butter and some bacon to make the one meat sandwich I could cook that didn't cause more revulsion than my own dinner.

When I walked in, Riley was sitting in front of his laptop at the kitchen table, finishing off a telephone call. He stood up, grabbed his jacket off the back of the chair and pocketed his phone.

"I'm really sorry, Bella. Two of my co-workers have called in sick, and my manager needs me to come in for a few hours. I'll be back by one. Will you still be here?"

I was disappointed, but what could I say other than yes. I kissed him goodbye, locked the door behind him then turned around to look at the empty room.

My eyes alighted on the laptop, which Riley had left open and running on the kitchen table. I'd never thought to look before, but I had a sudden urge to know if there was anything on the Internet about the death of Isabella Marie Swan, and so I sat down in Riley's chair while it was still warm.

What I saw on the screen shocked me to the core. I quickly grabbed my purse from the couch and pulled out my phone. When I heard Jasper's voice answering my call, I had to force myself to speak.

"I'm at Riley's. I need you to get over here right now."


	28. Make mine a G&T

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **28\. Make mine a G &T**

Jasper stared at the laptop screen in silence as he read through the document I'd stumbled upon. I stood by his side, waiting anxiously for him to say something constructive, but all he said was "Fuck!" repeatedly, and actually, I thought that summed the situation up quite nicely.

At the top of the first page, in large bold letters, was the heading "Supernatural Creatures Live Among Us." That wasn't particularly disturbing in itself, but underneath the heading, Riley had made two separate lists.

His first subject was simply labelled "Victoria." Underneath her name, he had added the date and place of his first encounter with her, here in Eugene in an alleyway to the side of one of the student bars. There were several more dates in brackets alongside the first, spanning almost a year.

He had listed details of her physical appearance: "flame red hair" and eyes that were "burgundy red, sometimes black." He'd described her as "exceptionally beautiful," her skin as "extremely pale, ice cold and hard to the touch, like stone," and her scent as "sweet, like candy floss."

He had also noted that she was very fast and very strong, that she didn't appear to eat, drink or require any sleep, and that he only ever saw her after dark.

As if that wasn't bad enough, his second subject was labelled "Bree," although the name "Bella" had been added in brackets, presumably in the last couple of weeks.

He'd described her—me—as having similar attributes to Victoria, but with some notable exceptions. My hair was "long, dark and wavy" and my eyes were "gold in colour," though they also "changed to black at times," and he'd described my scent as "not dissimilar to that of freshly baked bread."

There were some general observations at the bottom of the page that appeared to have been jotted down without any semblance of order: "no tears when crying; eyes darken when angry or sexually aroused; teeth very sharp; tastes delicious, addictive; always swallowing saliva; often holds breath; sneaks out at night; superb at cleaning; obsessed with necks and throats."

On the second page of the document there was yet another heading—"What are they?"—and beneath that was paragraph after paragraph, page after page of hypotheses.

Riley had examined almost every possibility—whether his subjects were gods or angels, elves or fairies, zombies or vampires, good or evil—but he'd yet to come to a definitive conclusion. If he'd ever followed me on a hunt, I suspect he'd have had one pretty quickly, one way or another.

…

"Hey, Edward!" Emmett shouted. "What's my Dodge Tomahawk doing in the garage?"

"Jasper and Bella rode it here," I said, taking Tanya's bag from her as she locked up behind us.

"All the way from Montana? Awesome! Rosie, babe—"

"Don't even think about it! We can arrange to have it transported back later." Rosalie sat sideways on in the driver's seat to swap her high-heeled boots for her more practical lace-up driving shoes.

"But it's the fastest way to get to Bella, babe." Emmett tried his best pout, but she didn't even look in his direction.

"Emmett McCarty, quit with the "babe" talk, get your shit together and put it in the trunk. We're leaving in five."

The tone of Rosalie's voice had Emmett's mind wandering straight into X-rated territory. "Fuck!" he muttered, reaching down to adjust himself. "Why does she always have to do that? Now I'm going to be really uncomfortable all the way to Eugene."

My brother and sister had taken nearly a week to return, but in that time, Tanya and I had found us a large house to rent on the edges of the Willamette National Forest. There was enough distance between it and Bella and Jasper's cabin to hopefully keep from overwhelming Bella.

We took Rosalie's convertible, leaving the recently detailed Mercedes for Carlisle and Esme, and set off into the night. We'd only been on the road half an hour when Emmett started with the questions about Bella. The first few were lighthearted. Had we hunted with her? How fast was she? What was her favourite food? Was it mountain lion or bear, like him?

I could only answer him with the second hand information gleaned from Jasper's memories, and that was limited. He was bouncing in his seat with excitement to know she'd taken down a grizzly, so much so that Rosalie threatened to pull over and "leave his sorry ass" on the side of the road if he didn't settle down.

After that, his questions became more sombre. Would she want to see him? Would she forgive him for leaving with the rest of the family? Would she still want him to be her big brother? Those were the questions I couldn't answer.

He was quiet for a long time after that until we crossed the state line into Oregon. Then, with a big grin on his face, he turned to Rosalie and said, "Are we there yet?"

…

"I thought you'd killed Victoria?" I whispered.

"I did, Bella. This was before you…"

"Died?"

"Before I changed you," Jasper said. "Look at the dates. Their first encounter was two years ago, see? She must have come here not long after our little run in with James, though why she would play with her food like this is beyond me."

"He met with Victoria more than once, enough times to gather much of this information, and yet he survived?" I started pacing the room.

"It certainly seems that way."

I stopped still. "Do you think he had sex with her?" Perhaps it was Victoria that had bedded him and left, not the human girl. The very thought of it made me feel nauseous.

"I doubt it," Jasper said. "She'd more than likely have killed him the process."

But I hadn't, had I? At least, not yet. "Not if she'd fed well first," I whispered.

He looked at me doubtfully. "Maybe that's what she was planning on doing, eventually, unless she was thinking of turning him. She could have been trying to win his affections beforehand. It would make the newborn phase a lot easier if he was already in love with her. She could use that to her..."

"What?"

He stared at me for the longest minute. "I can't be sure, but I think this might have been a calculated move on her part all along, the start of something she never got to finish."

"What do we do now, Jasper? What do I do?"

"I'll have to wipe his computer and hack into his online storage, but there's not much I can do about his memory short of maiming or killing him."

"You're worried about his knowledge, but what about me. I lo—"

He was in front of me in a split second, covering my lips with his fingers. "He's not in love with you Bella," he said softly, "at least not in the way we thought. I suspect he's more in love with what you are than who you are."

"You're not helping."

"My apologies." He wrapped his arms around me, and I pressed the side of my face into his chest. I inhaled his scent, but for once it wasn't lust I was feeling, it was comfort.

"So I'm a fluffy lab bunny to him—one he's gotten too attached to and taken home."

He laughed. "Yes, but your teeth are far more lethal."

"I'm not killing him, Jasper, and neither are you. We can't!"

"He knows what you are, or at best, he has a very good idea, and he's sure to have figured out that Tanya, Edward and I are exactly the same. I'm surprised we're not listed in that document."

I looked toward the window, trying not to succumb to my emotions, and whispered, "This is what I did with Edward, before we became… more. I noted down the facts as I understood them, did a bit of research and drew my conclusions."

"Yes, but you didn't write everything up like an outline for a thesis, did you now? What was it you said this boy was studying?"


	29. Hide the evidence with lies

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **29\. Hide the evidence with lies**

We knew he was there before we heard his key turn in the lock. The door swung open, and Riley's voice broke the silence.

"Bella, I'm—What's going on here?"

I turned in Jasper's arms to face Riley. His fists were clenched, and he had an expression on his face that I could not determine. I hated what I was about to do, but Jasper and I had discussed it already. There was no choice. This was my mess.

"Jasper, would you wait in the bedroom, please," I asked, looking up at him. He raised an eyebrow then one corner of his mouth rose into a lopsided grin. He squeezed my shoulder, schooled his face and left the room, knowing the one trait Riley had missed was our excellent hearing.

I turned back to Riley. "Who is Victoria?" I asked.

"How?" he whispered, the colour slowly draining from his face.

"You left your computer on."

He walked across to the coffee table and sat on it, resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.

"Was she your first?" I asked.

"First what?"

"Lover."

"What? No. I barely knew her. She was never even in my apartment."

"I find that hard to believe given what I've read today."

He looked up at me, his eyes flashing with anger. "What do you want to hear, Bella, that you're not the first woman I've bedded with cold hands?"

I recoiled, backing up into a kitchen chair, making it screech across the floor tiles. I blinked several times and wound my arms tightly around my body.

"I'm sorry," he said, resting his forehead back in his hands.

There was a long pause, during which I could hear Jasper whispering in the bedroom.

"I started the document when I realised Victoria had left me," Riley said quietly. "She'd promised to take me with her next time, but she never came back. When I found you on my doorstep, I noticed the similarities between the two of you and added a few more observations, but then I stopped when we… I hadn't expected you to stay because she didn't, and I certainly didn't expect to fall in love with you."

His hands gripped his hair, tugging at it. "Today was the first time I've opened the document since the day we..." He looked toward the bedroom.

"You said you were studying English," I said.

"I am. English is my minor; my major is Folklore."

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! "And because I'm different, because I have a circulatory condition, an unusual eye colour and some odd habits, you thought I was what exactly?"

"I never came to any conclusions," he mumbled.

How I wished I could read his mind in that moment. "I don't know what to think, Riley. I don't know if I can trust you anymore."

"Says the girl that left me for my own good without giving me a choice in the matter."

I felt the knife twist in my gut, but I ignored it.

"I won't submit the paper," he said, standing up and moving toward me. "I'll delete it. I have several alternative outlines I can use. I was just..."

He was right in front of me, and I could feel the warmth radiating from his body, luring me in, testing my resolve.

"Please, Bella…"

...

The three story house was almost perfect. It had two balconies out front overlooking a lake and a large deck out back facing into the Willamette Forest.

After a mature debate, which resulted in Emmett and I racing upstairs to place our bags on each of the queen sized beds, we left the bedroom with the twin beds for Carlisle and Esme and headed off into the forest to hunt.

It was good to be with my siblings again after so long. I'd missed Emmett's good-natured teasing and childlike exuberance, and as Rosalie had yet to make any negative comments, I felt at ease around her. She and Tanya got along just as they always had—so much so that they broke off to hunt together, leaving Emmett and me alone.

"You look really happy with her, Edward," Emmett said as we strolled through the trees.

"I am," I grinned.

"Told you regular sex would put a smile on your face."

I punched his arm. "I love her, Em. I don't know why I couldn't see it before."

"Perhaps you just weren't ready to take that stick out of your—"

I wrestled him to the ground before he could finish that sentence, out loud at least, but our playful fighting soon gave way to a race to find the biggest dinner.

We were burying our elk carcasses when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. It was a text message from Jasper: _We have a situation. Where are you?_

I held the phone up to show the screen to Emmett. "Let's fetch the girls and go back to the house," he said.

I sent a reply to Jasper: _Hunting. Give us ten minutes._

Sure enough, ten minutes later the four of us were sat around the large dining table, Emmett and I in just our hand knitted socks. My phone was on loud speaker in front of me, and next to it was a growing pile of leaves and twigs.

Rosalie had scowled at and scolded Emmett and me as if we were naughty children. She'd insisted we take off our muddy boots and clothes on the back deck before entering the house. She and Tanya had both known neither of us would be wearing any underpants.

Naturally, my phone had started ringing the moment we'd stepped inside. There hadn't been time to run upstairs and get changed, and for some reason, the women had refused to fetch us any clean clothes.

"You're not normally this messy a hunter," Tanya said, her eyes roaming up and down my body while she picked the forest out of my hair.

"What was that?" Jasper whispered through the phone.

Everyone but me tried and failed to stifle their laughter.

"Shh," said Jasper. "We have to keep it down. I'm sitting in Riley's bedroom, and I need to keep an ear out."

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Riley isn't quite as unobservant as he appears. It seems the boy has developed some theories, and they're a little too close for comfort. He has a document on his computer that looks like an outline for a thesis. He's observed two subjects so far: Bella and Victoria."

That sobered the others up quickly. We looked at each other with wide eyes, three of us mouthing Victoria's name in horror.

"Where's Bella?" Tanya whispered.

"Right now, she's out in the main room, acting her stripy socks off to buy us some time."

Acting and Bella had not been a good combination when she was human. I glanced across at Emmett and Rosalie. Both were frowning.

"I know what you're thinking, Edward, but she's doing fine. Hang on… I'm going to have to go in a second. I need one of you to go shopping for the best laptop money can buy. Rosalie?"

"Yes, Jasper?"

"I need that bug—the one that makes a computer look like it's stuck configuring updates."

"It's in my Box account in a file named 'Emmett's Ass.' Usual password."

"That's the last place I'd want to look," he muttered, ending the call.

"So," said Rosalie, raising an eyebrow at Tanya. "Who's up for another drive?"

...

Jasper and I really needed to work on our silent communication skills.

It would have been so much easier if he'd remembered neither of us was a mind reader, but no. He kept on talking what could only be termed authentic frontier gibberish for a good half hour, shifting his eyes back and forth until it dawned on me what it was he wanted.

I professed a need to use the bathroom then walked through the bedroom, undoing the top button and zipper of my jeans as I went. Then I entered the shower room and let rip my best girly squeal and cried spider.

Riley could not resist an opportunity to show he cared for me and was there at almost vampire speed, ready to hunt down his prey with an old sneaker. Of course, the non-existent spider played hard to get by ducking behind the pedestal supporting the sink.

I held out for as long as I could to give Jasper time to do whatever he was doing to Riley's laptop then pushed the human out of the room, saying I was desperate and would just have to risk the re-emergence of the creepy crawly.

By the time I'd flushed the toilet and washed my hands, Jasper had made sufficient excuses for us to leave. I told Riley I needed some time to think and followed Jasper out of the apartment.

The first thing I noticed when we turned the corner was Jasper's motorbike parked right across the sidewalk beside my truck. I hoped he hadn't got a ticket. Then, as we walked down the street toward our vehicles, I sniffed the air, my eyes snapping to the source of the new scent.

There was a large, muscled figure sitting behind the wheel of my truck.


	30. It isn't funny anymore

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **30\. It isn't funny anymore**

My inclination was to run and rip the door off my truck, but Jasper grabbed my upper arm to hold me back.

"Not here," he said through his teeth. "Get in casually, say hello, kiss him on the cheek if you must, but save any displays until you're well out of the city."

While Jasper got onto his motorbike, I followed his instructions to the letter, climbing calmly into the cab. He waited until I'd pulled the door shut behind me before taking off.

"Hello Emmett," I said, turning toward my big brother. He looked like he was crying and it almost broke my heart.

"You're wearing my hoodie," he said, his voice sounding constricted.

"Yeah," I said, feeling a little choked with emotion myself.

He reached a hand tentatively across the bench seat, and I could have sworn my hand was shaking as I laid it over his. He quickly flipped his hand over to grip mine, then put the key in the ignition and started the engine.

We drove like that for a while, him with one hand on the steering wheel, even when we got onto the highway exiting the city. Neither of us said a word until we reached the edge of the Willamette Forest, where he pulled over. He jumped out of the cab, ran around the front of the truck and opened my door, pulling me into a bear hug.

"Forgive me, Bella, please. I'm the shittiest big brother—"

"Yes, you are," I said, hugging him tighter, "but I'm so glad to see you."

"If Jasper hadn't have been there..."

"But he was, and I didn't…" I took in a deep breath and held it.

"You didn't what?" He said, gripping my shoulders and looking down at me.

The word was so faint I almost didn't hear myself say it. "Die."

"No, you didn't, but you must have been so scared and confused when you woke up alone. How did you even know how to hunt without me there to help you?"

I smiled weakly then groaned. "It was instinctive, but I hate it, Emmett. The blood is just… and then the carcass..."

He laughed at the faces I was pulling. "I'm sure I can help you with that, given time." He drew me back into his arms and squeezed me. "You will give me time, won't you, Bella?"

"I think that depends on Rosalie, don't you?"

"I'm all for anything that makes my husband happy again," Rosalie said, stepping out of the trees behind us.

"Well, I'd like a threesome if Bella's up for it," Emmett said with a grin that disappeared about the same time Rosalie's hand met with the back of his head.

"I'm so very sorry, Bella," she said. "I feel wretched about every part of this. So many mistakes. I don't even know where to begin."

"You never wanted me to be a part of your family," I whispered.

"No, not while you had a better choice. I don't agree with dragging innocent, young humans into our world when they have a lifetime of possibilities ahead of them. We had no business playing with your life; we should have left well alone from the start."

"I'm not sure I even want to be part of the Cullen family anymore, Rosalie."

Emmett's face fell, but Rosalie smiled brightly as she looked down at my feet. "Well, well," she said. "If you aren't wearing my favourite boots."

"You don't want them back, do you?" She'd have a fight on her hands if she did.

"No, I have several pairs exactly the same, but if you're in my boots, and oh, is that Emmett's hoodie? It would seem you've already laid claim to at least one brother and sister."

…

Although Tanya had readily accepted Rosalie's invitation to go laptop shopping, she was momentarily sidetracked by my nakedness. A single glance at my lap became a long stare, and then she got lost envisaging exactly what she would like to do to the part of me she was staring at. At the same time, Emmett was arguing that he should come too, and that caused Rosalie to employ the tone of voice that never failed to set him off.

Realising what they had done, the women grabbed their purses and ran for the car, laughing all the way.

Neither Emmett nor I were in a fit state to stand up. I closed my eyes so he could make a run for the stairs, though by the sound of it, it was more of a hop, skip and a jump. He returned dressed five minutes later and ran—properly this this time—off through the forest to try and catch up with Rosalie's car. He was hoping she would deposit him close to Riley's apartment.

Finally alone, I headed gingerly up the stairs to make full use of the shower in private. I then dressed and went down to the back deck to gather up my and Emmett's muddy clothes. I put them in the washer and sat out on first floor balcony, waiting for my family to return.

Rosalie and Tanya arrived back first with the new laptop. Shortly after, Jasper's motorbike roared up the road. When he told us Emmett and Bella were together, following behind in her truck, Rosalie left on foot to intercept them.

Jasper unpacked the laptop on the dining table and began the laborious process of setting it up. There were no vampire shortcuts for this brand of unnecessarily convoluted human technology.

"Do you think Riley knows our secret?" Tanya asked him.

"There's no way of telling at the moment," Jasper replied, glaring at the screen as if it would make the setup go faster, "but it does appear that he may have been using Bella, and that alone makes me want to kill him."

Tanya looked at me wide eyed, her thoughts full of worry.

…

Jasper had been tapping away at the new laptop for over two hours. All the while, I sat patiently beside him with my hands under my thighs, not breathing.

He'd successfully hacked into and copied Riley's entire hard drive then begun checking every file, every email and every webpage Riley had ever visited, but so far, he had come up blank. It appeared the only incriminating evidence was in the document I'd discovered open.

"If only Edward and I could use our gifts on him then we'd have a better idea what to do," he said.

"I guess he's like me," I said, frowning.

Edward pulled out a chair on the opposite side of the dining table and sat down. "We think your venom may be shielding him from us," he said.

"My venom? But I haven't bitten him. How could that…? Oh no, you are not seriously suggesting that kissing him has done that."

Edward shifted in his seat and rested his forearms on the top of the table. "Um, no, Bella, not kissing him exactly."

A snigger could be heard coming from outside, where Emmett was sitting on the back deck with Tanya and Rosalie.

Oh, hell no! "Fucking hell, Edward!" I shouted. "What were you and Jasper on when you came up with that theory?"

Emmett guffawed loudly.

"Your blood has permanently affected Jasper," Edward said, "so it stands to reason that your venom could have a similar effect."

"Seriously? Shall we test it? I'll bite you and see what happens." I reached across the table and grabbed his hand, gnashing my teeth over his wrist to emphasise my point.

"Okay, okay," he said, yanking his arm back. "Maybe it's mental. Do you think you could reject him? Shut him out of your shield?"

"How the hell would I know, Edward?" I sighed. "I'll give it a try, but one of you will have to help me."

"I nominate Jasper." Edward said.

Jasper was the one sniggering now.

"Coward!" I said. "If Jasper is helping me, who's going to scare the willies out of Riley?"

"Me!" Emmett shouted to the forest. "Ouch, Rosie, that hurt."

Rosalie strode into the room and hovered behind Jasper, reading over his shoulder. "Come on, Jazz. Move over and let me have a go."

Jasper slid onto the adjacent chair, and Rosalie took his old seat between us. The tapping began all over again, only louder because of Rosalie's long fingernails. She brought up Riley's internet search history once more and compared it to his favourite webpages.

"He has a bit of a thing for the supernatural, doesn't he?" she said.

"Those might be for his course," I said as she flicked from site to site. "He loves science fiction and fantasy, too."

"Hmm, I wonder if he uses a pseudonym to post online…"

As dusk fell, Edward and Emmett took over the seats either side of Rosalie, and Jasper and I walked out onto the back deck. We waved at Tanya as we went past and then moved further apart to hunt.

We'd just bashed the mud off our boots and stepped back inside the main room when we noticed Edward at the front door, opening it to a visitor.

"Alice?!"


	31. Here tomorrow gone today

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **31\. Here tomorrow gone today**

Her scent made me bristle, just like it had when I encountered it in her and Jasper's bedroom in Forks soon after my change.

Betrayal. That's what I was feeling. The girl who was meant to be my best friend, who had seen me become one of the family, was the same girl who left me behind without so much as a goodbye when her brother made an ill-judged decision. How had she not seen the damage it would do to me back then?

"I have the most awful headache," Alice said, staggering into the cabin. Her eyes were dull and her skin almost papery. She looked nothing like the lively girl I remembered.

"Something's very wrong," she said. "I'm getting the strangest visions and then nothing. Gaping black holes that don't make any sense."

She looked up and inexplicably paled. "Jasper? You're here?"

"I am, Alice, yes." He stepped to the side, fully exposing me to her view.

"Oh God!" she said and collapsed in a quivering heap on the floor.

"You're dead," she whispered, staring at me as if she were seeing a ghost.

I glanced briefly at Jasper. "That's what I keep telling people, but they don't seem inclined to believe me."

"I saw you," she whispered. "You jumped from the highest point, and then there was nothing but darkness."

"Interesting that, Alice, don't you think? I made the decision to kill myself days before I decided to jump. I near enough planned my own death, and yet you didn't come for me."

"I was tracking Edward."

"Of course you were." I huffed. "Tell me something. When he decided to leave me, what did you see?"

"I can't... I didn't..."

"Jasper," I said, leaning into his side. "I know we have a situation going on, but I can't stay here. Not with her."

"I'll take you home," he said, putting his hand on the small of my back and guiding me across the room.

"You're together?" Alice said, her eyes wide.

"I don't think that's any of your business, Alice," Jasper said through clenched teeth. He grabbed hold of my hand, pulling me past her and out of the front door.

"Wait!" Alice said. I turned back to face her as she got to her feet, though she was anything but steady. "Who changed you, Bella? Was it Victoria?"

I frowned. "Why would you think it was Victoria, Alice?"

"I saw her..." Her voice was fading.

"You saw her? In Forks?" My voice rose along with my anger.

"I... I..."

Jasper picked me up by the waist and hoisted me onto his bike then took his seat behind me. His arms and thighs kept me firmly in place while the engine roared to life, and then we sped away.

…

We were torn, Tanya, Rosalie, Emmett and I. All four of us wanted to chase after Bella and Jasper, but we couldn't leave Alice in the state she was in.

She was right. Something was very wrong—with her. She obviously hadn't been looking after herself. I knew the signs. I had done much the same when I'd left Bella.

I helped her over to one of the couches and we all sat down, waiting patiently for her to come back to the land of the living dead.

"I think I must be going mad," she said suddenly. "I haven't been able to see Jasper for over a year now. All I see when I look for him is a gaping black hole. And then I've had the worst of intrusions. You," she said, pointing her finger at me, her eyes glassy, "were not supposed to be having sex with our cousin on the piano bench."

Emmett couldn't help himself. He started sniggering, and it was enough to alleviate any tension I might have felt from Alice's statement.

"We didn't have sex on the piano bench, Alice. We took it upstairs before things got too heated," Tanya said, winking at me. She put her hand over mine, rubbing her thumb sensually over my skin while she remembered how she'd saved my piano from certain destruction.

"Bella was meant to be your mate," Alice said, "and instead of mourning her, you were fucking around with our cousin."

"Alice!" Rosalie said. "Tanya is right here in the room! She just spoke to you."

"And then," said Alice, "soon after you told her you loved her, you disappeared completely. Both of you. Where did you go, Edward?"

I shook my head, already knowing what was coming next. Bella had obviously shielded us both from Alice while we were with her.

"When you reappeared, ugh, you were all over each other and all over Carlisle's car."

Emmett and Rosalie were both laughing uncontrollably now, and because the images in Alice's head were not a patch on what I'd seen in Tanya's, I found myself joining them. Alice was only bringing up good memories as far as I was concerned.

She ignored our display, however, and continued to rant. Our good humour soon evaporated.

"A month or so before Bella died, I saw Victoria here in Eugene at the university with a blond haired boy. Then the vision shifted, and they were having sex in a bed, again and again." She looked utterly disgusted, and as she replayed the vision, I felt sure I did too.

"I saw the boy again about three or four weeks ago. He must have been living in squalor because there was so much mess around him—bottles, glasses, everything just filthy. He was on the verge of doing something catastrophic, but I couldn't see what it was, and for some reason, he kept looking at a photograph in his wallet."

"Who was the photo of?" asked Rosalie.

"That was the strangest thing," Alice replied, staring out of the window in a trance.

…

It was dark in the woods outside the cabin. I stared at Jasper's reflection in the glass of the French doors. He was leaning back into the corner of the couch behind me, his feet up on the coffee table.

"You don't seem all that upset about Riley," he said.

"No."

"I thought you were in love with him."

"Don't go there, please, Jasper," I said, turning my back to the French doors to look at him. I blew out a breath. "I'm compartmentalising."

"You're what?"

"I've been filing him away in a box in my head. I've folded the flaps down now and taped them shut until..."

"You're shielding him!"

"I am doing nothing of the sort!"

"Yes, you are. You've had him in that box in your head since before I found you, haven't you?"

"When are you going to accept that I found you?"

"You had no idea I was there. It was just a convenient place to stop."

"Convenient for you, you mean!" I kicked at the table and his feet fell to the floor with a thud.

He stood up slowly and moved right up into my space, his body nearly touching mine. I held my breath and stepped back until I could feel the cold glass of the French doors behind me.

"Open the damned box, Bella," he said. "Feel the love, the pain, the anger, whatever you have to, but open the damned box!"

I looked into his red eyes, pleading with him. "Can't it wait until we go and see him again? Please, Jasper."

"No. You have to do it now so the worst of it is over when we go back tomorrow morning."

All night, I tried to open Riley's cardboard box. I tried every imaginary tool I could think of to slice through the packing tape—a pair of scissors, a serrated hunting knife, my fingernails, a chainsaw—but it just wouldn't budge.

Then Rosalie called. "I've found something," she said. "I'm so sorry, Bella."

And deep inside, I cried for the love I was going to have to let go. Internal tears soaked into the cardboard, and the box labelled with Riley's name disintegrated along with me.


	32. Disposable mankind

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **32\. Disposable mankind**

Reluctantly, I returned with Jasper to the house Edward had rented, hoping everyone would keep Alice out of my hair.

Rosalie showed us what she'd found on her second foray into Riley's files. The reason neither she nor Jasper had found it before was that they hadn't scrolled down beyond the recipe. Alice's disturbing visions had had Rosalie going back through everything all over again.

The document labelled "Victoria Sponge Cake" had been created around the time of my change and contained detailed accounts of Riley's encounters with Victoria—places and times, snippets of conversation and kisses shared. Either Riley was being the gentleman I knew him to be and omitting it from his notes, or he hadn't had sex with her as Alice had foreseen.

Having sufficiently enthralled the lonely boy, Victoria had disclosed her true nature to him during her second to last visit, and then during her last, she had promised him a living death as if it were the most desirable thing anyone could possibly wish for.

Jasper drove Edward and I into the city just before the rush hour. He took the keys from my pocket and opened first the street door then the door to Riley's apartment.

I stood in the doorway wanting to vomit. I didn't want to do what had to be done. I wanted to be anywhere else but there.

Riley was sitting at the kitchen table, wearing the same clothes as when we'd left him, drinking a coffee and staring at his laptop screen. It was still configuring updates.

"Here, let me help you with that," Jasper said, turning the laptop around and sitting on the other chair. "Ah, the disk needs defragmenting."

Riley didn't react. He just lifted the mug of coffee to his mouth and sipped before setting it back down on the table.

"Whose photo do you carry in your wallet?" I asked, leaning against the counter. Edward joined me, pressing the side of his body against mine.

"Yours, of course," Riley said, pulling his wallet from his back pocket and opening it up to show me. "Why? Did you think it would be Victoria?"

I frowned. Alice was right, but as he went to put his wallet away, Edward snatched it from his hand and tugged my photograph out of the slot. There underneath it was a picture of a woman with flame red hair.

Edward pocketed the picture of me and threw the wallet back down on the table in front of Riley, narrowly missing his coffee mug.

"You lied to me when you said you barely knew her," I said.

Riley stared down at the image of Victoria. "No, I didn't. She wasn't who I thought she was. I didn't really know her at all."

"You brought her back here, didn't you? Did you sleep with her?" I felt the back of Edward's hand brush against mine and turned my hand to grasp his.

"Does it matter?" Riley asked, straightening up.

"Yes," I said. "It matters to me. Yesterday you said I wasn't the first woman you'd bedded with cold hands."

Jasper stopped whatever he was doing on the laptop and glared at Riley, who quickly lowered his eyes.

"I… I… I wanted to... with her. I mean, we tried, but she couldn't control her... She had to leave before she... She never came back." He turned to look at me. "It was completely different with you."

…

Jasper raised his eyebrows at me before returning his attention to the laptop screen. He could feel Riley's increasing discomfort just as I could see two clear sets of visuals, one after the other, in Riley's mind—explicit visuals that could never be erased from my memory.

At the same moment, Bella's hand went limp in mine. I tickled her palm gently with my thumb and she renewed her grip.

"Victoria is dead," she said bluntly.

Riley's face was expressionless. "How do you know?"

"Jasper killed her before she could kill me."

Riley showed no outward reaction. I frowned at Jasper and he shook his head a fraction.

"She promised to make you like her, didn't she?" Bella said, dropping her voice to a whisper. "Like us."

"But instead," Jasper said, his fingers drumming on the tabletop, "she exposed her true nature then left you here, alive and unchanged. That was very dangerous. Humans rarely live to tell the tale."

Riley's heartbeat picked up. He'd been well versed by Victoria on the importance of maintaining the secret. He knew this knowledge came at a price. It was why he'd been so careful not to disclose it to us.

"Did she tell you she loved you?" I asked him. "Did she tell you you were her mate? Because we know that wasn't the case. We had to kill her mate in order to save mine."

For the first time since our arrival, some emotion registered on Riley's face. His eyes widened. "Your mate Tanya?"

"My mate Bella," I said, noting his confusion. Bella squeezed my hand. "But to my shame, I let Bella go. I left so she could live... a better life. I did not anticipate Victoria returning for her."

Riley rounded on Bella. "He was the one? Your first lover was your brother?"

I tried not to laugh. "He thinks that's why I left you," I muttered under my breath. "It hasn't even occurred to him that you were still human at the time." This was the first indication I'd given her that she was no longer shielding him.

"Edward wasn't my brother then," she said, "and he isn't really my brother now. And you can't possibly be jealous, Riley. He never did anything more than kiss me." Because I was an idiot.

"As I recall, my kisses took your breath away," I said, winking at her.

...

I couldn't help smiling at Edward making light of the past, but Riley's eyes hardened. He turned back to Jasper. "Are you going to kill me too?"

"Your number was up the day you met Victoria," Jasper said casually, leaning back in his chair. "Reckon you got lucky when she died. I did you a favour there, but you just didn't know how to stay out of trouble, did you?"

"I won't tell anyone," Riley said. "I haven't told anyone. I haven't even said the word out loud. All I did was fall for two beautiful women that were different, special."

Jasper's body tensed. His red-eyed gaze was piercing. "Only Bella is special, and yet you've treated her like a lab rat in a school science project."

"No! That's not what I… alright, maybe at first I had other motives, but I—"

"Other motives?" Jasper rose up out of his seat, put his hands on the table and leaned across it. "You agreed to help Victoria build an army to get past the protectors of an innocent human being."

Riley's heart was pounding in his chest. "I… I thought I was in love with her. I was ready to do anything to be with her. But after we… well, she didn't come back. And then one day, Bella arrived on my doorstep and I—"

"Couldn't believe your luck, could you?" Jasper said. "Were you hoping Bella would change you so you could go after Victoria?"

"No! Yes... at first, maybe." He looked over at me. "So many times I thought you'd do it, but you never did."

"Because I don't prey on humans," I said. "None of this family does."

"I knew from the start you weren't the same as her. You were more gentle in your touch. You were kind and caring. You showed a genuine interest in me, and you never once asked for anything in return." A tear ran down Riley's cheek. "You weren't anything like the golden eyed vampires she'd described at all. But then you left me too."

"Because I should never have stayed with you, just like Edward should never have gotten involved with the human me." I squeezed Edward's hand in reassurance.

"You were human when he…?"

"Yes."

"She was the innocent, human girl Victoria needed an army to kill," Edward said. "And you, Riley, would have been nothing but a disposable pawn in her game of cat and mouse."

"Oh no, Bella!" Riley said, his face ashen. "I would have killed you!"

"No, Riley," Jasper said, leaning further across the table. "I would have killed you. Still might."


	33. Burning history

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **33\. Burning history**

It had to be done, but I didn't want an audience.

Riley's body was shaking when I took a hold of his arm and lead him into his bedroom, closing the door behind us.

"You'd better sit down," I said. "You don't look so good. Did you eat today?"

"No," he replied. "Did you?"

I shook my head. My thirst was the last thing on my mind.

Riley sat down when I sat down, on the floor, side by side, both leaning back against the side of the bed. My hand itched to hold his, but somehow it didn't seem fair to do that to him. Instead, I stared at a stain on the carpet and started talking.

"I hate being a vampire," I said. "I'd never wish it on my worst enemy. When I was human, and in love with Edward, it was all I wanted, but now, it doesn't hold the same appeal. My second life has been one of lies and deceit, hiding in the shadows and watching from the sidelines. And my baser nature, the one that has me staring at the blood pulsing through your neck—I truly hate that."

"Then why did you come back to me?"

"When my memories returned, I realised I'd made the same mistake Edward had made when he left me. I hated to think of what my leaving might do to you. I thought, with my family there to help, I could try to be with you, to live in the human world. I loved you enough to try."

"You've changed your mind now, though, haven't you?"

"Yes." I sighed. "If we'd had a chance to be more, in time I might have offered you the choice I wasn't given. I would have asked you if you could live happily without children, never seeing your family again, living in the twilight—with me. I would have explained what I was, what it meant to be like me, and then, if you so chose, I'd have asked one of my brothers to change you."

"Why can't you forgive me and stay? You've lied as much as I have."

"My lies were about keeping you safe from a secret you already held. I lied to keep us both from destruction, but you knew what I was from the moment you touched me and you took advantage of that to gain my trust. It doesn't matter that your intentions changed over time, it matters that you never chose to trust me with what you knew, even after I found that document on your computer."

"I'm sorry," he said.

I looked at him then, and I could tell he meant it, but it was too late. "So am I."

I stood up and bent to place a last kiss on his cheek. "Goodbye, Riley," I said, and I walked out of the bedroom and then the apartment.

...

We'd listened to every word spoken in the bedroom and watched as Bella strode out of the door. She didn't turn back.

At Jasper's nod, I followed her, running down the stairs and scooping her up into my arms when her legs buckled under her.

The sun had come out while we'd been inside Riley's apartment, so I had to creep down the side of the building and around the back of another before emerging on the street where we'd parked the truck. I opened the passenger door and lifted Bella onto the bench seat, climbing in beside her and wrapping my arm around her shoulders.

"I'm so sorry, Bella."

"I've no idea what to think right now. I love him and hate him all at once."

"For what it's worth, he is telling the truth. He's been holding onto those secrets for a long time. In some ways, we should commend him for not disclosing what he knew, even to us, until now."

"And Alice's vision?"

"Was something that never quite came to fruition. At least not in the way Alice saw it."

"Oh shit! You have those images in your mind now, don't you? Alice's version and Riley's."

"Yes." For my sins.

"Oh no, Edward! Me and him too?"

I nodded, trying to keep a straight face.

"Fuck!"

"Fucking, to be precise."

"Edward Cullen, did you just swear?"

"It's Tanya's fault. She's a bad influence." I grinned at her.

"You light up when you think of her. Did you know that?" I ducked my head. "Aww, so cute. Edward, are you blushing?"

"Vampires don't blush, Bella. You of all people should know that."

"Do you think we would have made it if you'd stayed with me?"

"No. You would have kicked me to the curb, eventually."

"Probably. I like how you are now, though. You look happier with Tanya than you ever did with me."

"It's the knitting and the crochet."

"Is that a euphemism for sex?"

"Maybe," I said, smiling. "Jasper's coming."

"He should be so lucky."

...

My suspicion that Jasper had scared the willies out of Riley while Edward and I were in the truck was bolstered by Edward's non-stop giggling as the three of us drove back to the rented house in the Willamette Forest.

It was good to be light-hearted for a few minutes, but it was only a temporary reprieve. We had barely got our feet over the threshold and into the main room when Alice was in our faces.

"You're going to have to kill him," she said, her eyes wild and her body animated.

"What for?" I said. "Knowing what we are? I knew."

"That was different. You were Edward's mate. We couldn't kill you without destroying him."

Oh hell, no! "Jasper, you'd better hold me back because I'm going to kill someone today, and it most certainly isn't Riley."

Strong arms wrapped around my upper body, but they were Tanya's, not Jasper's. It was probably just as well under the circumstances, given my usual reaction to his scent.

"Things don't end well if you let him live," Alice said. "He'll expose the family, and in turn, that will invoke the Volturi."

"You left me behind," I shouted, spitting venom in Alice's direction, "and I knew what you were. I could have exposed you all, but you left me unwatched and unprotected."

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Edward's face take on a mask of pain, and he wasn't the only one upset. Rosalie was rubbing Emmett's back as he hung his head.

Tanya reached out a hand to Edward and drew him over to join us.

"I'm sorry," he whispered in my ear.

"I know," I said.

Jasper had been silent all this time, leaning against the wall as was his wont, watching, listening, feeling, and no doubt strategizing. I wondered if I was still blocking him from Alice's visions now she was here, and that had me thinking about what she'd said on her arrival about gaping black holes. And then what she hadn't said.

"How can you be so confident in your ability, Alice?" I asked. "When did you last see me in a vision? Was it when you decided to leave Forks?"

"Every time I tried to see your future, it went black," she replied. "There was nothing, just like there's nothing now."

"And you didn't think to tell anyone? To suggest to Edward or Carlisle, or even your own husband, that you should come back and check on me?" She shook her head. "You let Jasper believe you weren't looking."

"I couldn't look. It hurt."

"Victoria didn't change me, Alice, Jasper did, and then he killed Victoria soon after. Edward is in love with Tanya now, not me. He and I aren't mates anymore, if we ever were. Maybe your visions of us back then were wrong, and I was nothing more than his singer."

"You're my friend, Bella," Edward said softly.

I poked him affectionately in the ribs, but I didn't take my eyes off Alice. "How many of your visions have you misinterpreted? How many have you chosen not to share? You've manipulated everyone you say you love and for what?"

"You're manipulating everyone as much as me!" Alice shouted. "Can't you see it? That glitch in your brain has shifted everything. You're supposed to be with Edward, and I should be with Jasper."

"Enough!" Jasper's voice rang out across the room, and every set of golden yellow eyes turned his way. But his red eyes were fixed upon me.

He pulled his hands out of his pockets and straightened up. "I've made my decision. I vote we let the boy live, just as we did Bella."

But as we each pitched in with our own opinions on how we would guarantee Riley's silence, none of us noticed Alice creeping out of the back door and into the forest.


	34. Gone to pieces

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **34\. Gone to pieces**

Only when we'd reached a consensus on Riley did we realise that the back door was wide open and Alice was missing from the room.

"Fuck!" Jasper said.

"She wouldn't, would she?" Rosalie said, looking at Edward. He looked panic stricken.

"I've no idea what she was thinking," he said, tugging at his hair with both hands.

"Jasper," I said shakily, "we have to stop her."

"Stay here with Tanya," he said, leaning down and placing a kiss on my forehead. "Edward, you're coming with me. Rosalie?"

"I'm on my way," Rosalie said, grabbing her car keys off the side table and running toward the front door. "Emmett, stay with your sister in case Alice comes back."

"Bossy, aren't they?" Emmett said as Jasper and Edward disappeared into the trees to follow Alice's scent, but his tone was missing its usual joviality.

I stood rooted to the spot. Out of all the Cullens, I'd never have pegged Alice as the one to play judge, jury and executioner. Jasper had told me that she hadn't slipped once since she'd seen there was another way for our kind, not even for the good of the family, but her visions had worked for her then. They had kept her safe.

The sun was only just beginning to set, so it was doubtful she'd venture beyond the forest until there was sufficient darkness to keep her movements concealed, unless she knew something we didn't.

Tanya calmly picked up her knitting basket and headed outside. Emmett nudged me to follow her, and the three of us sat out on the back deck, waiting to the click clack sound of Tanya knitting by the light of a lantern she didn't really need.

After an hour or so, she had amassed a pile of small, oddly shaped, stripy socks on the bench next to her.

"What are those?" I asked.

"Willy warmers," she said.

"Mine will need to be twice that size," Emmett said, puffing out his chest.

"They stretch to fit, Emmett. If this size fits Edward, I'm sure there'll be plenty of room for what you're packing."

...

Jasper and I stole into Riley's apartment using Bella's keys. There was a distinct chill in the air coming from the over by the couch. The window to the fire escape was wide open, but the fresh air did nothing to disperse the overwhelming scent that assaulted our nostrils.

"Shit!" said Jasper, holding his breath. He could feel the horror and despair coming from our sisters, and on top of the cloying scent, it had him fighting to contain himself.

"Rosalie?" I whispered.

"We're in the bedroom," she said for Jasper's benefit, opening her eyes to show me the scene before her.

"I'm going to have to stay out here," Jasper said, "or I'll do something I might regret."

Already knowing what I would find, I pushed open the bedroom door and stepped inside.

Alice was curled up on the floor in the far corner, her knees bent up and both hands over her face. Rosalie was crouched down beside her with one hand on Alice's shoulder.

"This is how I found her," Rosalie said, but the calm of her words did not match the turmoil in her head. She was asking questions to which none of us had an answer.

I forced myself to look at the bed. With the sheets still covering his body, Riley looked almost peaceful in the warm glow of the setting sun. It was as if nothing had disturbed his slumber, but the reddish crescent shape on his neck told otherwise. In the light of day, the loss of blood would be obvious, even to human eyes.

"Why would you do this, Alice?" I said. "This isn't who you are."

"I didn't mean to do it," Alice said, sobbing. "I thought I could stop."

"You meant to change him? But you haven't fed in weeks!"

"He looked so beautiful, Edward, just like in my visions. He'd have made such a lovely mate for Tanya, and then you could have been with Bella, and I could have had my mate back."

A low rumble emanated from Jasper's chest as a number of extremely vulgar turns of phrase flickered across his mind.

"No, Alice," I said.

"Something's wrong with me, Edward."

"We know, Alice. Go on outside with Rose and wait for me in the car."

Alice allowed Rosalie to pick her up and carry her out of the room then through the open window.

Once they'd gone, Jasper entered the bedroom. My brother, ever the strategist, was already thinking through the cover-up options available to us, but underlying the strategy was something I'd not seen in him before: true remorse for the life he'd been willing to spare.

"How are we going to tell Bella?" he asked. "She's going to feel responsible for this no matter what we say, and then she'll blame me for changing her."

"No one person is responsible, Jasper. You know that. If you're to blame then so am I, and in turn, every member of the Cullen family."

"How many heartbeats do you hear in the building?" he asked.

"Just one, upstairs, above the main room. They're watching television."

He nodded in agreement. "It's an old building, but there are smoke detectors in the hallway."

"Electrical fire?" I asked.

"Electrical fire," he replied.

We had effectively covered one of Emmett's mistakes this way a few years back. We would wait around long enough to ensure the other tenant escaped, and then we would leave.

...

At the sound of Rosalie's car drawing up, Tanya put down her knitting and flew inside the house to open the front door.

I knew it was bad news when I heard Jasper shout, "Emmett, grab Bella and don't let her bite you!"

Emmett's strong arms weren't quite enough on their own, though. I struggled, desperate to get my hands on Alice, but soon found myself seated on the floor with Emmett's body literally wrapped around me from behind.

His big hands gripped my wrists as our arms crossed my body, and his legs curled up over the top of mine, pinning them to the wooden floor of the deck. I could feel his firm chest against my back and his breath on my left cheek. "I've got you," he whispered in the warmest of tones.

In hindsight, it still amazes me that, for all his bulk, he could be so gentle. His grip was firm and unyielding, and yet I felt no pain. Well, not in my limbs anyway.

Jasper crouched down in front of us. "I'm really sorry, Bella," he said. "I'm going to need you to put everything to do with Riley back in that box in your head, just for a couple of days."

"I destroyed the box, Jasper," I said, wishing I could feel the tears I wanted to cry roll down my cheeks. "You told me to."

"I know, darlin'," he said, reaching out to stroke my right cheek with the backs of his fingers as if he were brushing away my invisible tears. "Can you find another box in there for me? Is there an empty one lying around or one that isn't yet full?"

"You didn't get there in time, did you?"

"No, we didn't."

"He's dead, isn't he?"

"I'm so sorry."

"I hate her!" I whispered, and then I raised my voice, hoping Alice would hear me. "I'm putting Riley in _her_ box, Jasper, and woe betide her when I open it back up again."

Jasper kissed my forehead as he stood. "I won't be a minute, then I'm taking you back to our cabin. You sit tight and cuddle with your brother."

I sunk into Emmett's restraining embrace and closed my eyes. With leaden feet, I walked down the corridors of my mind to the room with the heavy wooden door. And while I filed away poor Riley with my anger and my misery, broken whispers filtered through from inside the house.

"... anywhere near me or Bella, Edward... fucking kill her! … don't care that she's unwell."

"... want me to do with her?"

"... to Denali. My family will help…"

"... get hold of Carlisle and Esme… time... fucking came home and dealt with some of the fucking consequences!"


	35. Silence if you would

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **35\. Silence if you would**

Acting had never been my strong point as a human, but I was beginning to excel at it as a vampire. Making an appropriate exit was as vital as covering our tracks.

My big brother came with me into the city. As we got out of the truck and approached the fire damaged building that had once been Riley's home, I allowed the reality of the situation to seep back out, just for a short while.

Emmett spoke with the fire investigators, and when they informed us that the occupant to the back right hand apartment had died in his sleep, he held my sobbing form tightly to his chest so they wouldn't notice the lack of tears.

They told us that the wiring in one of the bedroom sockets appeared to have been faulty. That, combined with a damaged flex on a bedside lamp, had caused sparks, which had in turn landed on the dirty clothes on the floor. The fire had spread quickly to the sleeping man's bedding and he'd soon been engulfed in flames.

Fortunately, they said, the only other occupant in the building at the time had escaped uninjured and called the fire service.

I didn't volunteer any information other than the fact that I was friends with the deceased. The less said the better, Jasper had advised.

By the time Emmett dropped me back at the cabin, I had pulled myself together again. He borrowed the truck to go to the house in the Willamette Forest to pack his things and hand over the keys to the owner.

Early the next morning, Jasper accompanied me to the English professor's house. She was already aware of the tragic passing of one of her favourite students and wasn't at all surprised that, under the circumstances, I had decided to go home to my family.

She took one of my cold hands in both of her warm ones and asked me to wait one minute. She disappeared into her library, coming back with an old, hardback book entitled Green Tea and Other Ghost Stories.

She put the volume in my hand, telling me that Riley had borrowed it several times during his second year at university and that he'd particularly enjoyed the story about the female vampire. She insisted I take the book with me, seeing as she could no longer give it to him on his graduation as she had intended. It was a kind and generous gesture, one I could not reject, so I thanked her and left.

While the sun shone brightly outside, Emmett watched television and Jasper and I gathered our few possessions into our backpacks. Our landlady came around in her flour-spattered apron so we could settle with her for leaving early. Then, as the clouds darkened overhead, the three of us set out for Denali with Jasper's bike strapped into the bed of the truck under a tarpaulin.

…

Whoever said "silence is golden" was not a mind reader. My three travelling companions were each so focussed on their own trains of thought, mine didn't stand a chance.

Our seating arrangements were not ideal either. Unsurprisingly, because it was her car, Rosalie had taken the wheel, and as Alice was behaving somewhat erratically, Tanya and I had had no choice but to sit on either side of her in the back. It was a tight squeeze, all the more because it was only meant to seat two.

I eyed the empty seat up front longingly. I was uncomfortable. Men like me were not designed to sit with their knees that close together.

Alice's mind was in constant turmoil over what she had done, but not for the reasons any of us would have hoped. She knew she hadn't been of sound mind and still wasn't, despite being full to the brim with prime rib, so to speak. She knew all too well that having not fed in many weeks, her resistance to said prime rib had been nonexistent before she had even started feeding.

What she could not come to terms with was that she had finally done the very thing for which she had spent year upon year torturing Jasper. She, Alice Cullen, had slipped up. She had fed from a human and now had the red eyes to prove it.

Mortification at her error slowly morphed into hope. Perhaps Jasper would want her now that their eyes matched. She failed, however, to acknowledge that maintaining the same eye colour as Jasper would require a permanent change in diet on her part.

While she had worked out that Bella interfered with her ability to see Jasper's future, it had not occurred to her that that interference and Jasper's eye colour were intrinsically connected to Bella's change.

Meanwhile, Tanya was going around in circles in her head, worrying herself sick over room arrangements. There was a distinct possibility that Bella would not want to stay in either of the Denali cabins for any length of time. Both Emmett and Jasper would want to be where Bella was, and she assumed I would be torn between the two households.

"Wherever you are," I whispered. She smiled at me briefly before returning to the seemingly unsolvable problem.

My sister Rosalie's thoughts were filled with a more serious concern. She feared our family was about to be torn apart on a far grander scale than it had been when we left Bella behind in Forks.

"Maybe it's about time we grew up and left home," I said, catching her eye in the rearview mirror. She frowned back at me.

As we crossed the border into Canada, I received a text message from Carlisle. He and Esme were already in Reykjavik, awaiting a plane to Seattle. In the hours it had taken for us to reach Vancouver, they had packed their bags and obtained standby tickets to Anchorage. At this rate, they would be in Denali hours before our arrival.

…

Jasper smacked his hand down on the dash. "Emmett, would you stop playing with that damned radio. I'd rather have complete silence than this racket."

"Stop being such an old man, Jasper. You know how much I hate sitting in the middle. It makes me all fidgety. Why couldn't I ride the bike? I let you ride mine."

"Because it's raining," Jasper replied. The skies had opened soon after we'd crossed the state line into Washington, and there had been no let-up since.

"Your poncy, Italian bike can't take a bit of rain?" Emmett asked, sneering at his brother.

"Boys!" I shouted. "Jasper, stop the truck!"

With practice, Jasper and I had gotten our travel arrangements down to a fine art. We were used to putting as much distance between each other as possible in this particularly confined space, but it amused me that Jasper still had to have the window cracked open with his nose turned toward it.

But, even I had to admit, Emmett's bulk did look rather awkward squashed up in the centre of the bench seat.

When Jasper found a suitable place to stop, I jumped out into the pouring rain so Emmett and I could swap places. I held my breath as I got back in and sat closer to Jasper. Both men seemed incapable of keeping their knees within their own spaces, but Emmett's longer, more muscular thighs seemed to take up the most room.

"I'm not sure how much longer I can hold it in," I said after another hour.

"Your breath?" Jasper asked.

"No. The other thing."

"Darlin', I wish I could help you," Jasper said. "My whole being is exuding comfort right now, but I can't get through your shield."

"Yeah. About that, Jasper. Can you dial it back a bit?" Emmett said, slouching into his seat and widening his legs even more. I moved closer to Jasper, inhaling deeply and licking my lips.

"Oh, that is it!" Jasper said. "We're putting the vehicles in store as soon as we get to Vancouver and making the rest of the journey on foot."

"Suits me," I said.

"In the rain, Jasper?" Emmett said, his tone dripping with sarcasm.

"Emmett!" Jasper said, his voice low and menacing.

"Why are we going to Denali anyway?" I asked. "Eleazar had me really pissed when I saw him last, and Carlisle is going to want to know everything there is to know about my gift and then some. Why is it everyone wants me to be their pet science project? Do I look cute and fluffy?"

Emmett grinned and nodded vigorously. I bared my teeth at him.

"We won't be staying anywhere you don't want to," Jasper said. "We'll be there just long enough to sort a few things out with the family and then we can leave."

"The Cullens are not my family!" I said, fists clenched in my lap.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Emmett's face fall as if I'd stolen his favourite grizzly.


	36. You'd like to know

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **36\. You'd like to know**

Silence reigned until after we'd finally made it through the border crossing into Canada.

Although Jasper seemed to have relaxed, Emmett most certainly had not. He was uncharacteristically quiet, his solemn face clearly reflected in the side window as he stared out into the night.

When he absentmindedly went to put his passport back in his jacket pocket, I reached out and snatched it out of his hand.

"Hey!" he said, but he didn't make any effort to take it back.

"Oh look!" I said, holding it up. "According to this, you're not a Cullen."

"I am, but McCarty is my real name."

"I know that," I said softly. "Tell me, Emmett, what surname does Rosalie have in her current passport?"

"McCarty." The dimples on his cheeks made a momentary appearance. "We got married in Paris last year."

"Again," Jasper muttered.

"Don't you want to see my passport, Emmett?" I said, waving it up and down in front of him. "You can laugh at my photo if you like."

He took it from me and flicked through the blank pages until he found my personal details. "Oh!" he said. "That's not what I expected."

"No?"

"No. You're my—"

"Younger sister," I said, watching him straighten up in his seat, his thumb rubbing over the letters of our shared name on the smooth paper. "And so Rosalie is my sister-in-law."

His whole demeanour changed then, and there was the irrepressible brother I knew and loved once more, complete with twinkling eyes and a wide, dimpled grin.

"What does that make Edward?" he asked.

"My best friend, I guess." I smiled, thinking of how true that was becoming.

"And Tanya?"

"Same."

"And where does that leave me?" Jasper asked.

I turned around to face him, and as I did, Emmett sniggered. Jasper's eyes were fixed firmly on the wet road in front of us, his nose angled toward the stream of damp, fresh air coming in through the window.

"Well, you are my sire, I suppose," I said.

"Nothing else?" He raised an eyebrow.

"The pain in my butt?"

"Nice," he said dryly. Emmett's sniggering got a little louder.

"The tiny stone in my shoe?"

"More like your rock," Jasper muttered, slightly sullen.

"The person I trust more than anyone," I whispered.

He nodded. No smile, no fist pump, just a tiny nod. Then one of his hands left the steering wheel and crept along the leather of the bench seat to touch mine.

…

Carlisle and Esme had cleared the dirt road and opened up the cabin in time for our arrival, and that made me feel all the more guilty for what Rosalie and I were about to do.

While Esme wrapped her arms around Alice and guided her through the cabin into her and Carlisle's bedroom, Rosalie, Tanya and I sat down on the upholstered couches in the living area to bring Carlisle fully up to date with recent events and developments.

He paced up and down as we spoke, listening intently and looking suitably shocked and upset at what Alice had done. Internally, though, he believed Riley's death to be a regrettable but convenient tragedy.

Just as I had expected, he had a multitude of questions. I tried my best to answer those I could without Jasper and Bella present while Rosalie and Tanya disappeared upstairs to the bedrooms. They returned carrying three large holdalls, which they placed on the floor by the front door.

"What are you doing?" Carlisle said, looking back and forth between the women and me. "You've only just got here. Aren't you staying?"

"We're going to stay with Tanya," Rosalie said, looking at me for moral support.

Esme appeared in the bedroom doorway with her arms crossed in front of her. "What on earth for, Rosalie? This is your home. Edward?"

"I'm sorry, Esme," I said. "My home is with Tanya now. I don't want to be apart from her."

Esme looked crestfallen, but the smile on Tanya's face was radiant. Her mind was flooded with visions of what she was going to do to me as soon as we were alone in her bedroom, and instantly my body was in a heightened state of arousal.

A strangled noise came from the room behind Esme, and suddenly I was seeing double the visions. My knees were in serious danger of buckling under me if I didn't regain my focus on the family matters at hand.

"Rosalie?" Esme said, her voice quivering.

My sister looked down at her feet and whispered, "I want to be with my husband, Esme."

"Why won't Emmett be here with us?" Carlisle asked.

"He won't leave Bella. Especially not after…" Rosalie's eyes drifted toward the wall which separated us from Alice.

"I see," Carlisle said, resigned. "And Bella won't stay here for the same reason." Nor Jasper, he thought.

"No," I said, shifting from foot to foot in an effort to make my jeans feel less constricting.

"I've asked Eleazar and Carmen if they wouldn't mind vacating their rooms while everyone is here," Tanya said. "I presume it's acceptable for them to stay here with you, Carlisle?"

"Of course. Anytime." The tightness around his eyes belied his amenable tone.

Carlisle and Esme stepped forward to embrace each of us in turn, but there was a distinct air of tension in the room that made Carlisle's conversations about my lack of sexual experience seem suddenly tolerable. In fact, I had not felt this on edge around my parents since the day I returned from my rebellious foray into feeding from the dregs of human society.

"Let us know when the rest of the family arrives, son," Carlisle said, looking pointedly at me, "and we'll come and join you in your new home."

The three of us picked up the holdalls, went outside and loaded them into the trunk of Rosalie's car. Then, as we climbed into our seats, I took the opportunity to discreetly adjust myself. I had a nasty feeling I was going to be uncomfortable for some hours to come.

"Didn't you pack anything for Jasper?" I asked Rosalie as she pulled slowly away from our parents' cabin.

"I put a couple of things in my bag for him," she replied. "He didn't want much. He said he's had everything that really matters with him for a while now."

…

As soon as we'd stored the vehicles and were clear of Vancouver's city streets, we were running.

It was good to be on solid ground again, even though that ground was somewhat sodden from all the rain, and the physical exertion helped me to get a hold on the emotions that had been threatening to break free in the truck.

We stayed under the cover of the forest until we'd hunted—a moose for me and a cougar each for the boys—then we headed up into the mountains, running one behind the other.

Emmett had been appalled by my adverse reaction to the desiccated remains of my dinner, vowing to "sort that shit out" as soon as we were in Denali, but somehow I doubted hunting would be the first thing on our agenda when we reached our destination.

We maintained a steady pace as we crossed into Alaska, and after some hours, the scents and the scenery became increasingly familiar. Then, once I'd declared I'd found my bearings, the race was on, and the speed was truly exhilarating.

Irina and Kate met us in front of their cabin, welcoming us with open arms, though I was the only one who dared to hug Kate. They directed us to our rooms, and there was an awkward moment when I realised that I would be sharing the master suite with Jasper.

"These are Carmen and Eleazar's rooms," Jasper said, frowning at his cousins.

"We didn't think Bella would want to be anywhere near the guest bedroom after last time," Kate said before she and Irina darted back down the stairs.

Jasper looked at me, eyebrows raised.

"Don't ask," I said, throwing my backpack on the bed.

I'd barely begun to unpack when I smelled them. Once upon a time their scents had made me feel longing and deep disappointment. The former had long since worn away.


	37. Everything's coming up roses

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **37\. Everything's coming up roses**

The air was still and cool up on the mountain ledge, where I sat with my legs dangling over the side, looking out across the treetops and counting to one hundred, then one thousand, then one hundred thousand.

It had all gone pear-shaped back at Tanya's cabin. I'd nearly taken Alice's head off, and though I could have easily laid the blame at many a vampire's feet, the truth was we were pretty much all at fault, one way or another.

Shit happens. At least that's what my big brother keeps telling me.

We all say and do things against our better judgment. We all act or react to words and actions thrown our way, even when we know we shouldn't. And sometimes, we do absolutely nothing, but our very presence in another's life sets some wheels in motion, and around and around we all go until the day we die. Some of us don't even manage to do that properly.

It had been a tense family reunion full of platitudes and empty apologies. I'd kept my words to a minimum and maintained a less than friendly distance from Esme's outstretched arms and pleading eyes. Carlisle had looked at me with such open curiosity, I'd been hard pressed not to rush to a mirror to see if I'd grown long ears, whiskers and a fluffy tail.

I sat down on one of the ottomans and listened impatiently while Carlisle and Eleazar battled it out to be the one who understood my gift better than the other. I answered their questions and participated in their minor experiments, one of which involved holding hands with Kate—as if I would be stupid enough to let my guard down, even if I could.

And yet, neither one of them was able to come up with anything we didn't already know.

All the while, Jasper stood off to one side, picking at a loose thread on his belt loop and saying nothing to anyone. I wouldn't have put it past him to be influencing proceedings for his own amusement, but one thing was certain: he wasn't helping me.

Emmett sat next to my sister-in-law on the loveseat opposite me, watching my face intently. His brow was furrowed as if he were trying to solve a mathematical equation, and his hand was holding Rosalie's so tightly, she was wincing.

The large couch to my right was taken up by all three Denali sisters and Edward, who for a while was gripping his knee with one hand and pinching the bridge of his nose with the other. I'd not seen him do the latter since I was human.

Then, at the same time as I noticed Tanya's mouth curving up at the corners, Edward shifted both his hands to lay them over his groin and stared longingly out of the window. Tanya winked at me, and I enjoyed a brief second of levity. She must have been tempting him with her latest knitting pattern.

Alice sat all alone on a dining chair with her eyes closed and her mouth shut. She should have been the one on trial, not me.

Standing behind the couch to my left, and their seated husbands, Esme and Carmen chipped in with the occasional comment or suggestion, all of which were promptly dismissed by the two elder, supercilious males. Everyone else kept their thoughts to themselves, even when Carlisle suggested I attempt to let my feelings about Riley out of the box in my mind.

Hadn't I warned them all back at the house on the edge of the Willamette Forest? Had Edward not shared that little piece of information with his father?

Jasper understood well enough because the moment he heard the words leave Carlisle's mouth, a lazy grin crept up one side of his face, and he moved to grab hold of the front door handle.

…

As the scientist and the detective slowly wound up Bella, I became so tense I found myself pinching the bridge of my nose between my finger and thumb. When had I last done that?

With the exception of Alice, whose mind held a disturbingly dark void of nothingness, there were too many thoughts swirling around the great room in Tanya's cabin, and the only mind that would have been useful to read was silent.

One set of thoughts began to grow louder and louder until it overrode all the others. My dear, sexy Tanya was fully focussed on her own special brand of distraction technique, imagining me slowly removing her clothes, piece by piece, as we stood beneath the boughs of her favourite tree in the Denali forest.

She was resplendent in her emerald green, crocheted bra and panties. I'd have to make her another set, maybe in chocolate brown, but first I wanted to lick every inch of exposed skin with my tongue. If only the vision were real.

I had little choice but to cover my growing erection with both hands before anyone noticed. I wanted out of that room. The inevitable explosion couldn't come soon enough.

Carlisle and Eleazar were still putting two and two together and making five. My father knew Jasper and I had established that Bella's shield had far more complexity to it than just a mere mental ability because I had told him so. I had also told him verbatim what Bella had said when she'd buried her feelings for Riley after his death.

Had we been human, I'd have sworn Carlisle hadn't listened to a word I'd said on my arrival in Denali. But we weren't human. I knew from his thoughts at the time that he'd taken everything in, and there was no way he could forget even the most insignificant of details.

Sometimes, a scientist's thirst for knowledge overrules their common sense, but that shouldn't have been the case with Carlisle. What the hell was he playing at, and why was he keeping it hidden from me?

…

At first, I was crippled with grief as my feelings for Riley rose to the surface—my feelings for the boy I'd loved, marred by the pain of his mistakes and coupled with the guilt I felt for ultimately leading him to his death.

He had been a lonely individual and far too curious about the extraordinary and the unusual. He'd been preyed upon by a desperate vampire bent on revenge, and he had allowed himself to be manipulated and misguided. But deep down, he had been a kind, caring and loving boy. He had been the first boy I'd shared myself with, and he had made that experience everything I could have wished for. If only he'd been honest about what he knew at the right time, things might have taken a different turn.

Despite an overwhelming need to do so, I did not curl up on the rug in the centre of the room while everyone watched and pitied me. I stood tall with my eyes closed, letting myself feel every wave of emotion.

And as I gently laid each and every one of those memories and feelings to rest in my mind, other more bitter memories came to the fore. Although I couldn't see them for myself, I would have sworn that when I opened my eyes, they were black as pitch. I focussed them on Alice.

She was the one who had promised me eternal love with her brother and then left with her family, knowing my future was anything but rosy. She had manipulated all of us, and if I hadn't been blocking her, she would have been doing it still.

But in that moment, her worst crime was that she had murdered someone I loved. It didn't matter that she was wrestling with her own demons. It didn't matter that her visions were obliterated by my gift, or that I had been the very instrument that had brought her down.

I lunged for her, and of course, she never saw me coming.

Venom spewed from my mouth, figuratively and literally, as I held her in my arms, my teeth at her neck, poised to exact my revenge for all the hurt, pain and suffering she had caused.

But she didn't react as I'd expected. Was it because she couldn't see what I would do next? No. It was because an end was preferable to the darkness and pain that filled her mind.

"It's okay, Bella," she whispered. "Just do it. Anything would be better than this."

I didn't.

I couldn't.

There was every possibility that I had been slowly sending Alice mad since the moment we'd met. And although that wasn't my fault, it wasn't hers either.

So I dropped her and ran—right through the door that Jasper was conveniently holding open for me.


	38. Sly looks in corridors

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **38\. Sly looks in corridors**

I'd expected Jasper to follow me when I'd run out of Tanya's cabin, but after an hour or so of sitting alone on the mountain ledge, it appeared he hadn't. I didn't much mind because I didn't really want to be found, and had he tried, I surely would have evaded him.

With my stealth vampire abilities, I could evade them all, or so I thought.

"Can I join you?" Tanya said, climbing up onto the ledge and crawling toward me on all fours. "Jasper is beside himself with worry because he can't find you."

"I thought he'd followed me."

"Not immediately, no."

"Oh. He'll have followed you now, though, won't he?"

She looked sheepish as she sat down beside me with her knees bent up. "I may have sent him and Emmett off in another direction in case you needed some space."

A shower of tiny rocks rained down on us from above as another figure landed on the ledge. I shook the dust out of my hair and looked up.

"Hey, Edward," I said, wondering how many more of the family would be stopping by. "Your flies are undone."

Edward's long fingers quickly set to work on his buttons. "Um, thanks, Bella," he said, smiling shyly as he crouched down beside Tanya.

"We would have been here sooner," she said, "but I had to take care of him after I'd got him all worked up. He couldn't run."

"How was it?" I asked.

"Mind blowing," Edward replied wistfully.

I stared at him open mouthed until Tanya snorted, and then we were all giggling.

Once I'd regained my composure, I tried again. "How was it after I left the cabin?"

"Chaotic," Edward said. "Jasper just about had everyone calmed down when Alice declared that she can't be within a mile of you."

"That's fine by me," I said.

"I know you don't mean that, Bella. If you could have seen inside her mind… I didn't notice it before when the two of you were in the same room because her thoughts weren't coming at me as they usually do. But when I consciously looked, there was nothing but black.

"Carmen and Esme have taken her back to the other cabin, and Kate and Irina followed them in case they can be of help. Perhaps when you're ready to return… Carlisle wants you to try one more thing."

"And what would that be, exactly?"

"He wants you to try and let me under your shield."

I looked at him blankly. I might not have known how, but I was sure I had been doing exactly that when I'd unconsciously blocked Alice from seeing the futures of those in my company.

Edward sighed, his shoulders dropping, and then, as if he had already done so, he said, "So that I can read your mind."

Tanya must have sensed the rigor mortis setting into my limbs because she started the count before I did. "One, two, three…"

…

"Have you gone stark raving mad?" Emmett towered over Carlisle in the centre of the room, his bulk making him all the more intimidating as he positioned himself between our father and Bella.

"I beg your pardon, Emmett!" Carlisle said, his eyes darkening. It was rare for him to show such fury.

Emmett didn't flinch. "You shouldn't mess around with something you don't understand."

"Oh really. I bow to your better judgment. Please, enlighten me as to why?"

"Despite all your efforts, you've only a vague idea of what Bella can do. All you've got is that she can guard her feelings by boxing up memories to protect herself, and look what happened when she opened one of those back up. None of you can explain how she blocks Jasper's or Edward's gifts, or how she interferes with Alice's."

"Jasper is more complex, I'll grant you, but Eleazar and I believe it is a mental shield that is blocking Edward and Alice. We believe that is controlled by what she refers to as her filing boxes. She simply has to find the relevant box."

"So what if you're right, and she succeeds in letting Edward into her mind?" Emmett asked.

"That is precisely what we're hoping for. I don't see the problem."

Rosalie got up from the loveseat and stood by her husband. While watching him stand up for his sister, she had come to the conclusion that her fears for our family were about to be realised. She put a hand on Emmett's upper arm, and though his body relaxed, his mind remained sharp.

"What if by letting him in," he said, "she unblocks something else into the bargain, and it changes everything back to before she was changed? Do you really want to launch that kind of clusterfuck on all of us right now?"

"That could happen at any time," Eleazar said, calmly moving to stand at Carlisle's side. "Maybe it's better now than later."

In less than a second, I was pushing my way between Emmett and Carlisle. I was seething with rage. "You'd willingly destroy what I have with Tanya?"

"Bella is your mate, Edward," Carlisle said.

"You were the one who encouraged me to find love again when we thought Bella was dead, and I found it. Now that I am finally happy, you want to put that in jeopardy?"

"Your place is with your family, Edward, as is Bella's."

"What!? This is about maintaining your coven?"

I felt Tanya's arms come around my waist from behind and the front of her body press firmly up against my back. She was just gearing up to tell the pair of them where to go when Bella flitted to my side.

"Carlisle," she said as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth (which of course it wouldn't, her being as cold as a slab of marble in a pantry), "how about I open up the box which contains the memory of when you and Esme said I was your daughter. Or the one in which your son was so distressed by an unfortunate turn of events that he felt he had to leave me to keep me safe, and you supported his decision. You and Esme let us both down then, and you're doing it again now."

Her forefinger jabbed into his sternum. "You are not my father!" she said. He recoiled. "A father would not have deserted one of his children in favour of another. A father would not ask one of his daughters to hurt one of his sons. I love Edward and I love Tanya. They are my friends. Why would I want to destroy what they have between them? Why would you?"

Carlisle sunk down onto the couch behind him and put his head in his hands. "I want my son back," he said. "I want my family back."

And then, Bella turned around and offered me something I would never have expected.

…

Though it pains me now to admit it, Carlisle and Eleazar may have been right about one thing, it just hadn't occurred to me to investigate it.

When we'd returned to the cabin, I'd initially been horrified by Carlisle's suggestion. He'd wanted me to undergo some kind of vampire hypnosis, though how he expected to achieve that with my shield in place was anyone's guess.

Tampering with the mind can be a dangerous game, even for the most eminent of psychologists, and psychology wasn't Carlisle's field.

All the time we'd been on our feet and up in each other's faces, I'd been searching through my memories of Carlisle and Esme in particular. What I'd discovered along the way, however, was that my subconscious had been a busy little beaver and had reorganised that blasted room almost beyond recognition.

Or should I say corridors of rooms?

Edward had once told me that the vampire mind is ever expanding because our kind can never forget. All that information has to be stored somewhere, doesn't it? Maybe my special ability wasn't so much shielding as it was administration. It appeared I was set to store new information and memories for the next millennium or two.

After he'd sat down on the couch in defeat, I turned my back on Carlisle and faced my friend.

"Edward," I whispered, "I'm giving you the choice."

"What do you mean?" he said.

"I don't need to understand my gift, my ability, whatever this thing is, but if you want me to see if I can let you into my mind, then I'm willing try."

Edward closed his eyes and swallowed, and in that brief moment of hesitation, Tanya turned away from us and wrapped her arms tightly around her body. Rosalie was beside her in an instant, glaring back over her shoulder at me and her brother.

When Edward opened his eyes, they were a clear golden yellow, beautiful and trusting. His nod was slight, but it was the go ahead I needed. I closed my eyes in concentration and began to open the small, shiny, black cube I'd found hidden in a dusty corner behind some larger boxes.


	39. Here no more

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **39\. Here no more**

"No, Bella!" The timbre of his voice was commanding in a such a way I simply could not disobey him. The lid on the box came down immediately, and at the same moment, my eyes opened and looked up into his red ones.

"Jasper?" I whispered.

"Do you still trust me?" he asked, holding out a hand.

"Yes," I said. Did he not trust me?

"Come take a walk with me then."

He led me out into the trees, far enough from the cabin to avoid the prying eyes and ears of his family. We climbed an ancient spruce and sat high up in its branches, surrounded by nothing but dense, green foliage.

After the storm in Tanya's great room, the relative silence of the forest caused echoes of the past half hour to ring in my ears, but it didn't take long before Jasper's soft voice was breaking through them.

"If you think you're dead now, Bella," he said, looking straight ahead, "that'll be nothing to what you'll feel when you've destroyed this family."

That had not been my intention, but nevertheless, I choked back a sob and said, "They've destroyed me, Jasper. All of you have in some way."

He took a hold of my hand and rubbed his thumb over my palm. "I know that darlin', but at some point it has to stop, don't you think? You don't want to hold on to that much anger, and you certainly don't want to hold on to that much guilt, believe me, not for an eternity."

Without a word, I straightened my legs and dropped to the ground, breaking several branches on the way. And of course, because he hadn't let go of my hand, Jasper had to come with me, though his landing lacked his usual grace.

"I want my backpack," I said, trying to pull away from him.

He held fast. "Running won't solve anything, Bella."

"I know that, but I don't trust myself to stay."

He sucked in a breath and blew it back out. "I'll go get it for you. Wait here."

And before I knew it, he had returned with my backpack and helped to set it on my shoulders.

Looking him up and down, I asked, "You're not coming with me?"

"Do you want me to?"

I stared into his eyes, not knowing what I wanted anymore, except maybe something I could never have.

"How will I find you again?" I asked.

One corner of his mouth rose up, and he leaned in to sniff my neck just under my jaw, his nose tickling my skin. I inhaled deeply and shuddered, the hairs on my forearms and on the back of my neck standing to attention.

"When will you accept that I found you?" he whispered in my ear.

Before I could react, he took a step back, his tongue peeking out to wet his lips. He winked at me then turned around and jogged slowly away back toward the cabin.

…

Tanya was shaking in my arms. I'd almost had to tear my sister apart to get to her, but fortunately, Emmett had stepped in in time to help me.

"It's alright, sweetheart, nothing's changed," I said, kissing the top of her head.

"But you let—"

"Did you not hear her berating Carlisle? She loves us, and I, for one, trust her not to hurt us. She doesn't have it in her. If she did, she would have torn Alice's head off when she had the chance."

She looked up at me and stared into my eyes until her mind gradually cleared of all doubt. "I need you to show me, Edward," she whispered.

"That I can do," I muttered, pressing my mouth to hers.

My hands roamed over her delicious backside as I kissed her, and I drew her body in even closer, showing her just how much she affected me. I heard my father make some comment about inappropriate behaviour, and then Jasper burst into the room, causing us to pause and look around.

"Just getting something," he said, heading for the stairs. "Don't let me interrupt you."

His mind was focussed on packing a bag—Bella's backpack—but before I could announce that to the room, he flew back down the stairs, saying, "Back in five," then he shot out of the door.

We eased ourselves apart, but Tanya didn't relinquish me completely from her grip. She leaned around me just enough to glare at Eleazar and Carlisle and said, "Get the fuck out of my house."

Carlisle hung his head and headed straight for the door. Eleazar hesitated, looking as though he was about to protest, then thought better of it. We stood silently until they were both gone, and I could no longer hear their thoughts.

Tanya started giggling. "I don't think it was us Carlisle was calling inappropriate," she said.

As the images transferred from her mind to mine, I turned to look behind me, surprised that I'd been too preoccupied to notice them.

Emmett had my sister pinned to the floor, with her shirt barely covering her breasts while he kissed her senseless. His T-shirt was hanging off one shoulder in shreds, and his hands were in places that weren't acceptable in polite company.

It took an enormous effort not to react to the mixture of live and virtual porn, so I was relieved when Jasper returned and threw a proverbial bucket of cold water over the four of us.

"What on earth were you doing, Emmett?" I asked as he and Rosalie rearranged what was left of their clothing.

"Stopping her from killing Dad," he said, shrugging his shoulders. The shredded remains of his T-shirt fell to the floor.

…

Talking to Carlisle about a father's love for his child had cut deep. I missed my real father.

Charlie hadn't deserted me, though I'd put him through hell. He'd forgiven the despicable things I'd said to keep him safe when James was hunting me down. He'd searched for me when I disappeared after Edward and his family left, and he'd continued to care for me himself even when I'd sunk into the deepest of depressions.

I knew he'd reached his breaking point because I'd heard him on the phone to my mother. He'd asked for her advice, not that she had any more clue what to do with me than he had.

And then I'd killed myself. It didn't matter that Jasper had saved me and turned me, my parents believed I was dead. Mom at least had Phil, but Charlie had no one.

I took the shortest route I could, running south then east, crossing my fingers that Jasper had sealed my backpack properly before I dove into the sea. I didn't stop moving forward until dawn was threatening to break and I could hear first the sounds of the Sol Duc river and then a couple of fishermen, their rods propped up on stands and each with a beer in hand, talking quietly to each other so as not to scare away the fish.

My mouth watered at one of scents, though the other did not quite hold the same appeal. I climbed a tree and watched them both closely, swallowing down the venom.

The pale skinned man had dark brown eyes, short, wavy, grey hair and was clean shaven. If it were not for the smooth skin on his cheeks and jaw, I'd have thought he was quite old. The expression on his face was one of bone deep weariness, as if he'd borne the weight of the world on his shoulders for many a year.

He bent forward to stand his bottle of beer on the ground and then straightened up, rubbing the small of his back as he did so, to check on his line.

His companion was clearly from the reservation up at La Push, with russet coloured skin and long, greying hair resting on his shoulders. His face was wrinkled, his eyes dull, and his hand had a slight tremor when he lifted his beer to his lips. He leaned forward in his wheelchair to point something out on the other bank, and once his companion was distracted, his eyes shot up to meet mine.

He saw me, and he recognised me. I could tell. He knew exactly who and what I was.


	40. Empty spaces

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **40\. Empty spaces**

Shortly before I'd tried to take my own life, I'd learned that vampires were not the only supernatural creatures to frequent the Olympic Forest, and as those memories resurfaced, I realised why Billy Black's blood smelled a little off. I'd had a couple of encounters with the pack of wolves the size of horses when I was human, and I had no desire to see them now I was their enemy.

Billy's steely-eyed gaze lasted just long enough to warn me to stay my distance before he turned to his companion and asked for another beer.

My chest ached as I took one last look at the other man—my clean shaven, almost unrecognisable father. It took all my strength to whisper my goodbyes to him then I dropped to the ground and began running for my very existence.

My sense of direction was shot to pieces by an overwhelming sense of loss, one that I had refused to let myself feel until now. Would that I had understood what such a loss could do before it was too late.

Each time I hit a road or spotted a building in the distance, I turned tail, having no idea where I was heading other than away from my human home. Then, as night fell once more, I dared to stalk through towns and cities and yet more forest.

After several days on the run, zigzagging in an easterly direction, I stopped on the bank of yet another river, far less familiar than the Sol Duc, but familiar all the same.

Despite the rays of sunlight breaking through the gaps in the tree cover, the ground was still damp underfoot. I sat down on the bank, knowing the backs of my jeans would get wet. I took off my lace-up boots and rainbow striped socks, and dipped my bare toes into the freezing cold water.

Then, with the gentle sounds of the forest forming a soothing background music, I lay back on the spiky grass, closed my eyes and went exploring the corridors of my mind.

…

Our good humour was swiftly dampened when Emmett took one look at the closed door and then at the thin air either side of Jasper.

"Where's Bella?" he asked, stepping toward him.

When he didn't get a reply, Emmett grabbed the front of Jasper's shirt and closed the gap between them. "What have you done with my little sister?"

"She needs some time alone," Jasper said.

"And how the hell are we supposed to find her? Her special ability puts yours and Edward's to shame."

"I've done it before, Emmett, and I'll do it again." Jasper raised an eyebrow, and Emmett's hand dropped heavily to his side.

"It took you over a year, last time. I can't wait that long to know she's alright. Fuck!" Emmett backed off and sunk down onto the loveseat beside Rosalie. The tension in the room soon dissipated.

"I know what to look for now," Jasper said, "but maybe we should simply let her look for us when she's ready."

Tanya and I sat too, leaving Jasper standing in the middle of the room. I had a sudden urge to pull out my crochet hook and lose myself making that new lingerie set for Tanya. The last thing the five of us needed after a day like today was to be fighting among ourselves, but what I had to say wasn't going to help matters. I'd probably kept it quiet long enough.

"I heard her," I said, watching nervously as my siblings and girlfriend processed the three short words then gasped and blasphemed in unison.

Tanya laid a trembling hand on my thigh. "What was she thinking, Edward?"

"It was strange really. It wasn't as if she was trying to talk to me directly, but then she might not have been aware she had let me in."

"Edward," Jasper said through clenched teeth, "quit hypothesising like Carlisle and tell us what you saw?"

As Jasper's agitation pervaded the room, I raised both hands to run my fingers through my hair. "She was picturing herself standing in a sea of ferns beside a river, and in her hand, she was clutching a gentleman's checkered handkerchief."

"Dagnabbit!" Jasper said, darting up the stairs.

While the four of us stared at each other, mouthing that word with incredulity, Jasper packed his few possessions and charged back downstairs.

"Got to go!" he shouted as he ran out of the front door, leaving it swinging on its hinges.

...

"Well, well, well. If it isn't the elusive Bella McCarty."

"You have got to be kidding me!" I opened my eyes and turned my head. Jasper was leaning against his tree with the biggest, lopsided smirk on his face.

"Now, you'll have to agree, I definitely found you this time," he said.

I bit my tongue and looked up at the sun-dappled leaves above me, and when I turned back, he was sitting beside me with his hat on the ground between his feet.

"The ground is damp," he said, frowning.

"Yep," I said, stifling a giggle.

With his body so much closer, it was hard not to breath in his scent. It didn't seem right to want him like that after everything that had happened with Riley, and yet, now that path was clear, temptation was beginning to get the better of me.

I sat up, the wet fabric of my top clinging to my back. "Your voice when you told me no was…"

"It's because I'm your sire," he said. "I wouldn't use it to my advantage, but—"

"You didn't trust me," I whispered.

"No, it's not that, I—"

"You thought I would willingly hurt Tanya and Edward."

He raised a hand and scrubbed it over his face then sighed. "Were you or were you not taking a chance, Bella?"

"I didn't think I was at the time, and I know now that I didn't, but…"

He put his hat back on his head and stood up, holding out his hand toward me. "Come on," he said.

I let him pull me up and lead me further up the bank to the ferns I'd once used to make myself sick. He stuck his hand in his jeans pocket, took out his handkerchief and wiped my cheek. "You have a little dirt just…"

It was such an intimate gesture that I was completely overcome.

"Thank you for coming to find me," I said, throwing my arms around his waist and resting my face against his chest. He smelled divine, and I may have snuffled around a little with my nose, much like a pig searching for truffles.

"I told you. I'm not letting you out of my sight again." His arms tightened around my body then one hand slid down my back. I felt him tuck his handkerchief into my back pocket.

"But you didn't follow me," I said.

"No. I tracked you by searching for the spaces between scents, sounds, and feelings," he said, his nose nuzzling the top of my head. He sighed and the sensation of his breath against my scalp sent a shiver down my spine. "That Edward read your mind and saw you thinking of this very spot helped too."

"What!?" I drew my arms back and pushed at his chest. He stumbled backward, his surprise quickly turning into laughter.

I held my own laughter in check and narrowed my eyes. "You've been waiting here all along, haven't you?"

"Maybe just a couple of days."

"I need to hunt," I said. "That shove was weedy at best. I should have had you on your ass in the mud."

His cheeky grin and beckoning fingers were hard to ignore, but wrestling in the mud with Jasper Whitlock could only lead to one thing, or maybe two: muddy clothes and matted hair.

And possibly something akin to foreplay, but I didn't have time to think about that yet. I strode over to my things, put my socks and boots back on my feet and slung my backpack on my shoulders.

As I took off into the trees, the words Jasper had spoken when I was in his arms came flooding back. In the short time I'd had the shiny, black cube open, Edward had been able to read my mind.

So, what would have happened if I'd found the other box with his name on it first?


	41. Nerve and Fibre

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **41\. Nerve and Fibre**

While Jasper buried my deer carcass, I breathed my way through my post-hunt nausea. He wiped his dirty hands on his jeans and then came to sit beside me in the rotting mulch that formed the forest floor.

Sidling closer until our hips and thighs were touching, he put an arm around my shoulders and gave me a gentle squeeze.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"There's another box," I said, fiddling with the laces on my boots.

"What do you mean another?"

"It's complicated."

"This is me you're talking to. I am the very epitome of complicated."

I raised my head and caught him grinning at me. He was gorgeous, dammit. He might have been able to cope with complicated, but I'd just lost a few precious brain cells.

Turning my attention back to my bootlaces, I said, "In my mind there are lots of different forms of memory storage, most of which are open for easy retrieval. There's pretty much one container for each and every person in my life, though some people are grouped together or filed under an event."

I breathed in the heady smell of the forest floor, pine needles and Jasper Whitlock.

"Go on," he said.

I swallowed. "I thought the little box I opened to let Edward in was the only unopened box there was with his name on it, but I was wrong. I've found another box in another room in the farthest reaches of my mind."

"And what's in that one?"

"I don't know." I whispered. "I… I feel inclined to incinerate it, but I don't know what that would do to me."

"It might not be anything more than memories from your human time."

"No, I have most of those in a white, cardboard coffin."

"Fitting."

I looked at him and smiled. "I thought so."

"How big is this box exactly?"

"It's large. I suppose it's more of a tea chest, really."

"Oh," he said. A flicker of disappointment crossed his face. "And how big is mine?"

"I don't know," I said, glancing at his crotch. "You haven't shown it to me yet."

I winked at him, but he feigned complete and utter shock. Then a sly look crept over his face, and he stood up before me, his hands moving to undo the button on his jeans. Then, between one finger and thumb, he gripped the pull of the zipper.

"We could rectify that right now, Bella, if you like," he said, one side of his mouth curving upward.

I patted my back pocket for his handkerchief. Could I wipe away the venom that was dripping from my mouth without him noticing? Probably not.

I looked at his hands and then his face and then his hands again, hovering over the fly of his jeans. Neither of us dared to move until the scent of an elk floated in on the breeze.

"Ah," Jasper said, breaking our stalemate. "My dinner is served."

He took off through the trees and I followed him. Where else was I going to go?

…

As soon as the front door stopped swinging, Emmett jumped off the loveseat with such vigour that he bounced Rosalie onto the floor.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" Rosalie asked, scowling up at her husband.

"I'm going after Bella and Jasper, of course," he said, offering her a hand up. "I'll just get a fresh shirt on."

She batted his hand away and got up unaided. "You don't even know where to look." she said.

"I know," I said, "and I will tell you, but first we need to agree not to tell Carlisle or Eleazar that I read Bella's mind."

"Alice might have seen our conversation," Rosalie said.

"Not while Jasper was with us. The void he leaves in her field of sight throws her concentration off. It hurts her to look."

"And this conversation now?" she asked.

"I think I may have had this one covered," Tanya said, running one hand up my thigh and rubbing the other all over my chest.

"We'll be back in an hour," I said, standing up and hauling Tanya with me.

"Make that two," Rosalie said, pouncing on my brother.

"But Bella!" Emmett muttered.

I have no idea how long he protested, or whether Rosalie got to finish what she'd started, because when we returned the atmosphere in the great room was such that it could have been cut into chunks with a knife.

Tanya and I stood frozen just inside the front door. Emmett and Rosalie sat dishevelled on the loveseat they were so fond of, shooting daggers at Carlisle and Esme, who were seated on one of the couches, wringing their hands.

"I've been a fool," my father said, "and I want to apologise—to all of you."

I caught Rosalie's eye and listened to her thoughts. Angry as she was, she didn't want us to break ties with our family. We'd been through much together over the years, and each of us had made their fair share of mistakes. I nodded toward her in agreement.

And then came the words I was dreading. "Son, we need your help with Alice."

After a great deal of deliberation, it was agreed that Tanya and I would accompany my parents and my sick sister back to Ithaca for an indeterminate length of time. Carlisle hoped to be able to help her and thought my ability might be of benefit to the both of them.

I suspected Alice would not thank him for the visions she would have to endure with Tanya and I being so far away from Bella's shield, and I said as much. His response was not overly surprising.

Not so long ago, he had been urging me to go out and have sex, and now he was asking me and my girlfriend to refrain from even thinking about it. I stood my ground and made our position quite clear to him. If he wanted Tanya and I to come, then we would be having sex.

Perhaps if I'd phrased it a little better, Emmett wouldn't have slid off the loveseat onto the floor in a fit of hysterical laughter. Still, my minor embarrassment was a small price to pay for the soft smiles that graced the faces of all three women in the room.

Emmett was particularly keen on the plan as it meant I could arrange the shipment of his motorbike back to Montana, where he and Rosalie were going to be with Bella and Jasper.

…

My human memories of Jasper were so few they had a started off in an A4 manila envelope.

As I'd got to know more about him in our rented cabin in Eugene, they had moved into a pair of worn, leather saddle bags, but when I hadn't been looking, my memories had merged with my growing emotions, and everything Jasper was now residing in a battered, wooden officer's trunk with the name Major J. Whitlock stencilled on the side of it.

It wasn't full by any means, which meant there was plenty of room for more, not that I would admit that to him. My sire's ego did not need bolstering.

When Jasper ran, I chased after him, holding back just enough to watch as he took down an elk with the clean efficiency that comes with years of practice. I was captivated by the repetitive movement of his throat as he swallowed mouthful after mouthful of blood, his eyes softly closed and a look of almost erotic satisfaction on his face.

We had hunted together since the day we'd found each other, but I had usually been far too caught up in my own unsavoury efforts to examine him in this way.

For the first time since awakening as a vampire, I felt a glimmer of appreciation for the hunt.

Jasper made a noise deep within his chest as he released the exsanguinated elk and let it drop to the ground, and when he turned toward me, the look of repletion on his beautiful face did not quite marry with the hunger in his black eyes.

There was a rumble of thunder in the distance, but I didn't believe the static I was feeling had any connection to the oncoming storm.

Jasper sniffed the air and lowered his gaze to the fly of my jeans.

The thunder was getting closer and closer, and before I knew it, I was swept off my feet and flattened onto the muddy forest floor.

* * *

 **Note:** A tea chest is a large, wooden case originally produced to ship tea, and often used thereafter for moving home and putting things into storage. For a picture, please check Wikipedia.


	42. Mother Nature isn't in it

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **42\. Mother Nature isn't in it**

"Oof!" I said as all the air was forced out of my lungs.

"Found you!" Emmett's booming voice resounded in my ears and reverberated through my chest, which was squashed underneath his.

"Didn't take you long enough," Jasper muttered as he dragged his elk carcass off to one side of the tiny clearing.

Emmett started plastering my face with little kisses. "Don't ever run off again without telling me where you're going. I was really worried about you."

His lips were tickling my cheeks, and I couldn't help but giggle through my irritation. "Emmett, I can look after myself, you know. I did it for—"

I bit my tongue to stop myself from saying any more, and by the look on his face, he certainly didn't need any reminders from me.

"Thank you," I said, starting again. "Thank you for caring enough to come and find me."

"What does that make me, chopped elk liver?" Jasper mumbled to himself.

"Please tell me you haven't hunted yet," Emmett said.

"I have, sorry. You're a little too late to show me your super skills this time."

Jasper had been doing a pretty decent job of that already, and I had a sneaking suspicion that, had we not been interrupted, he'd have been keen to show me what else he could do.

As if he knew what I was thinking, Jasper looked up from his grave digging and shot me a wide, toothy grin. His twinkling eyes were bright red once more, yet something about the way he looked at me gave me the strangest sensation in the pit of my stomach. Was he trying to project an emotion?

Emmett's body suddenly went rigid above mine and he jumped up, leaving me stuck in the muddy trench our bodies had created. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, tapping furiously at the screen, and then a second later, he scooped up my backpack and began a slow, uneven jog back in the direction he'd first come.

"Come on, you two!" he shouted over his shoulder. "Rosalie is expecting me for dinner."

Jasper kindly exhumed me from my shallow grave with one swift tug and offered to dust me down, until he saw the state of my back. He picked a few dead leaves and twigs out of my hair, which having splayed out in the fall had thankfully survived the mud coating, and lead the way through the trees to catch up with Emmett.

Sure enough, Rosalie was waiting for us, standing in the doorway of the cabin with her arms folded across her chest.

"Everything off!" she said.

"But, Rosie..." Emmett said, pouting adorably.

"You know the rules. No mud in the cabin."

Emmett had all his clothes stripped off before I'd even had a chance to avert my eyes. He then streaked around the outside of the cabin toward the wet room, leaving Jasper and I in a standoff with our sister.

"Rosalie, it's my damned cabin," Jasper said, kicking off his boots and stepping forward to confront her, "and I'll damn well walk mud through it if I want to. Boots will be enough, Bella."

"Oh, well, that's a relief," I said. "I'm not wearing any underwear."

He swayed on the spot for a moment, and then the cheeky so-and-so turned, grinned at me and said, "Neither am I."

…

While Esme and Carlisle had chosen an overnight flight to take the red-eyed Alice back to Ithaca, Rosalie had grudgingly allowed Tanya and I to drive her car home. She neither needed nor wanted it in Alaska or Montana.

We were under strict instructions not to have sex in her car, on her car, or up against her car, and only Tanya was allowed to drive it, so my chances of a driver's treat went right out of the window.

What she didn't realise was that by putting Tanya in charge of the driving, her car would be taking some potentially less than desirable sojourns off-road. At least a good blast with Emmett's pressure washer would remove any mud afterward.

Unfortunately, in our excitement, we forgot to take into account that our little breaks in the journey would be driving Alice insane. Carlisle was beginning to form a picture of just how much our relationship in particular affected her and a very clear understanding of what had happened inside his beloved Mercedes.

There were some advantages to returning to the main family home, though. I could play my piano for one, with and without Tanya, and we could make frequent forays to our favourite yarn store in the city.

It was wonderful to be sharing my room with someone while the others were in the house, to be able feel a part of something special for a change instead of being on the periphery looking in, but seeing all my worldly possessions again had me thinking about where I really wanted them to be.

Carlisle resumed his duties at the university, leaving Esme, Tanya and me with Alice during the day. Very little took her interest, not even sock knitting, though I offered several times to teach her. We took turns to sit with her while she stared off into space and held her hand whenever she reacted to something in her mind.

Throughout the night, Carlisle and I worked with Alice in his study, trying to find some way to help her either lessen the impact of her visions or make them more bearable, but there was little sign of improvement. Alice felt ill every time either Tanya or I so much as contemplated touching one another, and by all accounts, physically retched when we did, no matter that we were far away from the house in the forest.

Distance had done nothing to reduce the black holes in her visions caused by Bella and Jasper, and with Rosalie and Emmett constantly disappearing and then reappearing in compromising positions, things were not looking good for my sister's sanity.

Carlisle's interim solution was for the whole family to refrain from any thoughts, plans or actions of an X-rated nature while he tried various forms of psychotherapy on Alice.

Bella and Jasper were, for obvious reasons, exempt from this edict. If my brother would have only told my best friend how he felt about her, he could have been a far happier man than I.

…

Emmett burst back into the cabin, wearing nothing but a towel and a pair of pink flip flops. Water ran down his arms and legs, dripping all over the floorboards and creating a sizeable puddle around his feet.

It had to be said, my brother was a fine figure of a man with his broad chest and bulging muscles, and from what I'd seen earlier, the towel was hiding an impressive piece of equipment. Thankfully, he was not my type, or the whole situation might have felt extremely awkward.

"Shall I dress for dinner, babe, or come as I am?" he asked, flashing his dimples.

Rosalie put aside the magazine she'd been reading and looked him up and down. "You'll do like that," she said, showing very little interest in his display. "No point in creating any more laundry than necessary."

Emmett opened the door and stood by it grinning while she got up and stalked toward him. With a flick of the wrist, she whisked the towel from his waist, hung it on the door knob and then broke into a run with a very naked Emmett in hot pursuit, if you ignored the fact that his gait was a little wonky.

"Ladies first," Jasper said, inclining his head toward the door.

I looked down at my muddy jeans and then gathered together a few things from my backpack, slipping my feet into my boots as I went outside.

Once I'd rounded the cabin and stepped inside the wet room, I immediately understood why Jasper had been such a gentleman. Emmett had left toiletries open on every surface and a filthy, soaking wet towel on the floor, which itself was coated in muck from the forest.

The idea of sharing a small cabin and one wet room with three other vampires was fast losing the little appeal it already had.


	43. What does a boy have to do

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **43\. What does a boy have to do**

Living in the cabin was like taking a step back in time, if you ignored the wet room and the intermittent Internet connection Rosalie had rigged up.

Before television, computers and video games, people read books, darned socks, sewed shirts, knitted undergarments and whittled away at pieces of wood by the fireside until the evening light faded. Then they went to bed. Chance would be a fine thing.

I didn't mind it at all and neither did Jasper, or at least, I assumed he didn't. He'd chosen to live like this, after all, when he went it alone after turning me. This was a simpler life that didn't require fancy clothes and extravagant gadgetry—although he had kept his phone—and a break from pretending to be human.

Even Rosalie saw it as an opportunity to spend hours drooling over her mechanics' magazines and the stack of old automobile manuals she'd spread out across the bed, but Emmett was having none of it.

I loved my brother, really I did, but I had never spent so much time with him before, or in such a confined space, and quite frankly, he was driving me crazy. I couldn't read more than a paragraph without interruption, and I so wanted to read the stories in the book the professor had given me.

In the end, when the weather turned cloudy, I gave in to Emmett's pestering and chased him all over the Lewis and Clark National Forest and beyond. Emmett's zest for vampire life was both infectious and exhausting.

For days, he did his level best to enhance my hunting experience, setting challenges and competitions, but to no avail. I could readily appreciate the exhilaration that came from racing after our prey, and on the few occasions when Rosalie joined us, I began to acquire a certain finesse that left my clothes almost pristine (until Emmett wrestled me to the ground), but once I'd drained the animal, my reaction was always the same: disgust, revulsion and nausea.

Perhaps it would have been different if I'd been able to hunt with Jasper, but he was hanging back more and more and then hunting alone on our return. Maybe he was finding Emmett a bit much too.

When Emmett's motorbike arrived, he finally had something of his own to focus on. He offered to take Rosalie on the first ride and the pair left Jasper and me in peace.

We took our seats either side of the fireplace and enjoyed the silence. I picked up my book from the table and opened it to the first page for the umpteenth time, but one deep breath in later, and my plan to read was completely scuppered.

...

After years of celibacy, many of which were spent trying to avoid the dirty minds of six mated vampires, before, during and right after sexual intercourse, I had finally discovered what I had been missing.

And now, having encouraged me to explore my hitherto dormant sexuality, my father was asking me to desist.

Though her thoughts were miraculously confined to more innocent topics, Tanya insisted on parading around our room in a variety of shades of crocheted bra and panties sets, with or without the matching stockings.

Whenever we were expected outside of the bedroom, she made sure to remove her underwear in front of me before getting dressed, so I knew all too well that she was wearing nothing whatsoever underneath her blouse and flouncy skirt.

True to my word, I kept my thoughts clean and pure, but the bridge of my nose was in serious danger of wearing away, my hair was in danger of thinning and my penis, something I was not supposed to be acknowledging the existence of, was permanently erect.

The situation was intolerable.

"We're being far too nice, Edward," Tanya said one afternoon, standing in front of me. She leaned forward and put her hands on the back of the couch either side of my shoulders, making her breasts spill out of the cups of her chocolate brown, crocheted bra. That pattern had been particularly fiddly to execute, but the fine yarn was perfect for the intricate, all over lace design.

"And," she said, "you are knitting so many socks, we could set up an online store and donate the proceeds to a charity that does research on the damaging effects of sexual repression."

A quick glance at the stack of willy warmers on the dresser would have proven it wasn't just me. "I'm trying really hard not to think about doing it, Tanya. Carlisle said we had—"

I don't know where my knitting went, or my clothes, but I didn't care. The sight of Tanya bouncing naked on my lap left me incapable of anything other than ejaculation.

Again and again, over and over, and then thrice more.

After I came around from my seventh orgasm, I realised we were alone in the house. My phone was buzzing incessantly in the pocket of what was left of my jeans. Tanya reached out for it and passed it to me.

The text message from Carlisle was simple: _Please leave and whatever you do, stay close to Bella._

"Mission accomplished!" Tanya shouted, jumping on top of me. "I'll get some boxes from the garage and we'll start packing your things."

"Not just yet," I said, easing her back down and joining our bodies together.

…

It had only been five weeks, but those five weeks felt more like five years. With time moving so slowly, how would I ever cope with immortality?

When Carlisle's phone call came, what should have been a welcome relief had my hackles up. Nothing and no one could make them go back down.

Tanya and Edward had been dismissed from the family home in Ithaca for breaking the sex embargo.

Rosalie and Emmett didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but they could hardly complain, given that they had tested the radius of my shield several times a week in the forest, the wet room and up against the back of the cabin. Jasper had had to use his considerable skills to get them to finish quickly so we didn't have to endure listening to them any longer than necessary.

The instructions from on high were that we were to join Tanya and Edward in Denali, and everyone was to stay close to me at all times so I could at least censor Alice's pornographic visions.

Even without trying, Alice was still managing to manipulate the whole family, or so it appeared to me.

Jasper stood on the threshold, watching Rosalie and Emmett climb into our pickup with Emmett's monster of a motorbike strapped securely into the truck bed.

As they drove off, Emmett leaned out of the passenger window and shouted, "Better get a move on, Jazz, if you don't want to get your poncy bike caught in the rain."

"Time to go, Bella," Jasper said, holding up my backpack for me.

I slumped down into an armchair and stared at the hearth, holding my breath and wishing I could lose my memories all over again. Carlisle was not my father, nor was he my sire.

"Bella?"

First I heard his sigh and then his footsteps across the wooden floorboards. He leaned down, resting his hands on the arms of the chair, and kissed the tip of my nose.

"I know you don't want to do his bidding," he said, "but, darlin', please don't make me force you to do mine."

Holding my gaze, he pulled something out of his jeans pocket and tucked it into the breast pocket of my jacket, doing up the button. The object had a bit of weight to it.

"The thing with family," he said, "is that we do things to help each other out."

"Like leaving emotionally and physically vulnerable, young girls to fend for themselves?"

His eyes bore into mine as he reached for my hand. "I think we've already established that wasn't the Cullen family's finest hour, Bella."

I let him pull me up out of the chair, set my backpack on my shoulders and lead me out to his sleek, Italian motorbike. Spots of rain were beginning to darken the leather seat.

While I climbed on, he fetched our helmets and gloves and locked the cabin door. He took his place in front of me, and I wrapped my arms around him, pressing my front into his back so I could feel the hard object in my pocket against my left breast.

With only a limited amount of time to cross the borders before the next sunrise, we'd have to break a few speed limits.


	44. Running with the bunch

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **44\. Running with the bunch**

Musical Chairs was a game my mother had favoured for all my childhood birthday parties. It had always resulted in me falling on my butt in a flood of tears, feeling utterly humiliated.

As we all descended upon Tanya's cabin, Carmen and Eleazar packed their suitcases and took the van Edward had hired back to Ithaca. With the Cullen's cabin empty, Rosalie and Emmett headed over there to settle in. They were back within the hour, bags in hand and sour expressions on their faces.

Alice had seen them.

The guest room was full of Edward's boxes, so that left four guests to house and only the master suite vacant. Irina and Kate offered to share a room, but neither Jasper nor I would hear of it. I stowed my bag next to the front door, and when I next looked, Jasper's was right beside it.

While Tanya and her sisters began reorganising their home to accommodate Edward's things, Emmett and Rosalie volunteered to test the radius of my shield once more. It was a tough job, they said, but someone had to do it.

We knew each and every time they'd crossed the line because Edward's phone rang with Carlisle or Esme on the other end, complaining that Alice could see them—again.

It became apparent after several hunting trips that, with the exception of Tanya's sisters, the entire group would have to hunt as one, so as not to upset Alice. I'd have said it kept me from inadvertently jumping Jasper if it hadn't been for the fact that he chose to hunt with Kate and Irina.

Hunting with two couples would have been tortuous but for Emmett. He made sure to defuse any sexual tension by turning every expedition into a competition—girls against boys, him against Edward, brother and sister against the world. Everyone took it in good part, except for Jasper, who was elsewhere.

Life in Denali vastly improved for all of us the day Rosalie and Emmett unveiled the treehouse they'd constructed for me between the two large cabins. It seemed their shield tests hadn't all been spent naked. Or maybe they had. It was difficult to tell with my brother.

Happy for a space of my own, I stored my few possessions in the little nooks and crannies that Emmett had thoughtfully built into the walls of the treehouse. Given his complete inability to focus on anything other than outdoor pursuits in Montana, I was surprised to find he was an excellent carpenter.

With my new home at the centre, Edward ran a circle around the three dwellings to mark out our black hole perimeter. He also ran a smaller inner circle, within which I had to be to keep the goings on in both cabins under wraps. It was clear, however, that whenever I wanted a shower, there would have to be a gathering of the clan in one cabin or other while I took it.

Tanya and her sisters popped by, one after the other, to donate pillows, a rug and a crocheted throw to make my tiny house a home. Then, just when I thought I was alone at last, Rosalie hauled an old, wooden, blanket chest up through the hatch in the floor, setting it down against one wall.

"What's that for?" I asked.

"You'll see," she said.

The chest was not dissimilar to the trunk in my mind that held all things Jasper, and that's exactly whose things I found in it once she'd left.

...

Being confined to one cabin and hunting as a group was taking its toll on everyone, particularly the one who least wanted to be there. I watched Bella withdraw into herself while Jasper took advantage of the shield her blood had conveyed upon him and hunted with our cousins.

Emmett and Rosalie were covertly working on a solution to ease Bella's discomfort, but Jasper seemed to have his head firmly buried in the sand.

One evening, I collared him on the porch just before he left with Irina and Kate. Conscious all ears were listening, I took the subtle approach.

"Jasper," I asked, "could you help me in the bedroom?"

He raised an eyebrow. "I thought you were doing okay in that department."

"What? No! I need your help to… Fuck!"

His mouth twitched at the corners. I scrubbed a hand over my face, aware of the sniggering going on indoors. It would have been so much easier if he were the mind reader.

"Could you just come upstairs with me?" I asked.

"You're not my type, Edward," he said, opening the front door. "But I'll come if it matters that much to you."

Several sets of eyes watched us suspiciously as we ascended the stairs. As soon as we were in the bedroom, I grabbed a pencil and some paper from my desk.

Jasper looked at the disarray in the room. "Need some help setting up the sound system?"

Wishing I'd thought of that in the first place, I nodded.

"Well, now, was that so hard to admit?" He smirked at me. I made sure he could feel my irritation.

While we set to work on untangling the cables, I used the pen and paper to hold a semi-silent conversation with my brother.

 _Why are you ignoring Bella?_ I wrote.

I'm not, he thought, frowning at me.

I narrowed my eyes at the blatant lie and scrawled, _You should be hunting with us!_

His thoughts veered to a moment in Montana, where after a hunt, he'd nearly lost control and declared himself to Bella in a very physical manner. Without the use of his gift, he had no idea how he would have been received. She'd shown no signs of reciprocation then, or since, and so he'd been afraid to hunt with her for fear of an embarrassing repeat in front of everyone.

 _She deserves to know she has a choice._

I'm hardly a great choice, Edward.

"You're a good man, Jasper," I said aloud, _but you're hurting her._

"Did she say something?" he whispered. "Did she let you read her mind?"

 _No. I have eyes. Stop waiting for her to make the first move. Tell her how you feel._

He pushed the last plug into its socket and stood up. "I'm going hunting," he said and strode out of the bedroom.

He, like me, was too reliant on his gift, and I understood all too well the challenge that posed when it came to Bella. I'd thought he might have learned from my mistakes, but when it came to affairs of the heart, he was obviously as stupid as I was.

...

"You're presuming quite a bit, don't you think?" I said, as soon as Jasper's head appeared above the floorboards.

He sprung up into my treehouse, landing on his feet and then straightening up to his full height. His eyes followed mine to the blanket chest, then shifted to my jacket, which was hanging on a wooden peg on the wall. He frowned.

"You don't want me living with you?" he asked.

I didn't want to lie, so I bit my tongue and glared at him.

"So," he said, "you want me to sit around in one of the cabins, soaking up the atmosphere."

I knew exactly the kind of atmosphere he was referring to. It was why I was here, equidistant between both cabins. Or was it both couples?

My nostrils flared and I took in a breath, quickly regretting it when my mouth filled with venom. I swallowed, licked my lips and said, "You seem to be quite chummy with Kate and Irina. Why don't you take your things and keep them company?"

"Perhaps I should," he said, one eyebrow raised. "They at least know how to be hospitable to their guests."

"Guests don't invite themselves," I said, spitting out the words.

In the pit of my stomach, I experienced a sensation similar to my post-hunt revulsion. I backed up to the wall and slid down onto the floor, pulling my knees into my chest and squashing any remaining air out of my lungs.

Exactly how hospitable had Tanya's sisters been? They had taken him out for dinner on countless occasions since our arrival and the three had always returned in high spirits—until Jasper had set his eyes back on me, that is.

Around me, he'd been taciturn and aloof, but I'd felt his presence and noted his carefully measured proximity the whole time. Stupid, confounding, red-eyed vampire.

Reaching for the stack of books Edward had loaned me, I picked up the top one and opened it up to hide my face. Instead of leaving, Jasper closed the hatch down and made himself comfortable, sitting on a pillow on the floor across the room.

I lowered my book a fraction and saw the corner of his mouth curving upward. I clenched my teeth and narrowed my eyes.

He opened up the blanket chest and took out several books of his own, except they weren't his books any more than my stack was mine. These were the books I had seen in a pile on the nightstand in Edward and Tanya's room two days previously. These books were all about the function of the mind.

But whose mind was he concerned with—mine or Alice's?

The music had stopped and surprise, surprise, I was on my butt and only the slightest tweak in my DNA away from tears.


	45. I got it bad

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **45\. I got it bad**

Our new housing arrangements, and my Teflon coating, had actually given Alice some form of respite. So had Jasper, in his own way.

Based on his method for tracking me and something he'd read in one of Edward's books, Jasper had suggested Alice try to look around the black voids in her visions rather than straight into them.

Meanwhile, we continued to live in our self-imposed limbo, knowing that at some point the scientist and the detective would request we carry out controlled experiments to test Alice's developing mental skills.

As the days went by, and then the weeks, Jasper became my constant companion once more. The tension between us eased, one kind of tension anyway, and he became the housemate he'd been at the little cabin in the woods in Eugene—quiet, thoughtful, patient and generous.

And gradually, I acquired a collection of hand-carved stone beads and charms to wear; little, carved wooden figures appeared in among my things; Jasper's antique, ivory and silver comb made its way over to the only mirror-backed nook in the treehouse, and more often than not, I got first choice at dinner.

Jasper and I now hunted as a pair, but with two other couples at our side, there was never a repeat of whatever was about to happen when Emmett interrupted us that day. Maybe I'd imagined it.

Rosalie, Tanya, her sisters and I had girl time in Tanya's cabin. I had brother time with Emmett, and best friend time with Edward, but always the whole group stayed with a certain radius of me.

Being the sun to a bunch of vampire planets was slowly sucking away my will to live. It occurred to me that everyone was falling over backward for Alice's sake, but my sanity didn't matter one jot.

So, one evening, as we returned from our hunt, I broke ranks and made a run for it. The stealth vampire was at large, but unfortunately not for long. Jasper had gotten tracking me down to a fine art.

I turned on him, hands fisted at my sides. "Why are you always with me, not the others?"

"As I recall, not so long ago you weren't too happy about me keeping other company. Don't you like being with me?"

I sighed. "It's not that, it's—"

"Do you want me to be in a permanent state of arousal, Bella?" He raised an eyebrow and I stared at him, my mouth agape.

Abruptly, he stuck his hands in his pockets and turned his face away, saying, "It's hard enough fending off their emotions at this distance, especially Edward's. He feels everything, heart and soul."

I looked down at my feet. "You don't have to stay with me forever, Jasper."

"But I do," he whispered.

My throat tightened. "Why?"

…

My phone was ringing, and I didn't need to look to know who was calling.

Life had become almost normal in the past few weeks, if you didn't count maintaining a perpetual orbit around poor Bella.

When Jasper had rejoined our hunting party, I'd been hopeful he might finally put his cards on the table. Perhaps he just had, or maybe he'd pushed one too many buttons, because Bella had run, and Carlisle was on the phone.

My heart sank as I answered the call.

"Alice can see you all for the first time in weeks, Edward. Where on earth is Bella?"

Emmett looked at me, eyes wide, pleading with me not to answer. Rosalie's thoughts were loud too and accompanied by her hand slashing across her throat: Cut him off!

And so I did, silencing my phone in the process.

"We have to let them go, Edward," she said.

"But Carlisle…"

"We'll just have to restrain ourselves until she's back. We'll play cards or something."

"Babe!" said Emmett, his voice dropping low. "You know you should never mention restraints and strip poker in the same sentence."

I didn't stop to dispute his grammar. I chased after Tanya, leaving Rosalie on top of Emmett. Alice would have to look beyond what she could see.

My cousins and I had tried all sorts of furniture combinations to store my things in the bedroom, but in the end, we'd put all of it back where we'd found it and asked Emmett to build us a fitted unit.

The chosen wall was far bigger than the one in my room in Forks, so we'd been able to combine shelving with cupboards and drawers. Even with all my precious music and books, there was still plenty of room for Tanya's treasures.

She hadn't seen it full of my things yet, so she pulled up short as she entered our room. I ran into the back of her and wrapped my arms around her waist.

"Edward! You put all your CDs in place without me!"

"Mmmhmm." I rubbed my nose and lips up and down her neck.

"What kind of order did you put them in? Alphabetical or chronological?"

My hands wandered underneath the silky, fabric of her blouse. "Random," I muttered against her skin. "These days, I have better things to do with my time."

She leaned her head back onto my shoulder, pushing her breasts into my hands. I ran my tongue down her neck to the dip at the base of her throat.

"Let me have you," I said. "Right here."

Walking her toward the unit, I unfastened my pants and let them drop to my knees. She placed her hands flat on the wall at the back of an empty shelf, and I hitched up her skirt and entered her.

The pain started on the third thrust. My grip tightened on her hips and I closed my eyes.

"What's wrong?" Tanya whispered, looking over her shoulder. "Edward?!"

…

"Look at me, Bella," Jasper said. "You were meant to be with me. Don't you see it?" I shook my head. "All the changes in me were brought about by turning you. Don't you think it's strange that your blood has blocked me from Alice but not from Edward? Don't you think that is the most blatant form of possession?"

"Edward didn't suffer any changes when he sucked James' venom out," I said. "His eyes didn't stay red."

"That just proves my point. Why me and not him? You made me yours."

"Ha! Are you suggesting I'm your mate, Jasper? I thought you didn't believe in that shit?"

"I don't."

"There is such a thing as coincidence, Bella!" I said, mimicking him from when I first found him.

"Funny!" He sneered.

"Yeah," I said under my breath. "You always say that when I'm pointing out your little foibles."

"And then there's the scent thing," he said, ignoring my jibe. "Do you know how often you lick your lips when you're close to me?"

He hadn't mentioned the drooling, so obviously I'd hidden that better than I thought. "You do the same," I said. "Why don't you just admit what you feel?"

He lowered his eyes and spoke quietly with an uncharacteristic lack of confidence. "Because I can't tell if it would be reciprocated."

I walked over to him and pushed a lock of his hair behind his ear. Cupping the side of his jaw, I rubbed my thumb over his cheek. "Can you tell what I'm feeling now?"

His eyes darkened and he swallowed. "Desire." His voice was rough. "You don't have to have feelings for someone to have an attraction to them."

"True." I dropped my hand and grabbed his belt buckle, tugging his body toward mine. "Rosalie thinks I should give you a run for my money."

"Really, now." He snaked an arm around my waist. "What does Emmett think?"

"He said I could do worse."

His face was so close to mine, but still he resisted. "I piss you off," he said.

"Not as much as you used to." I grinned.

"I like peace and quiet, and I like to read a lot and—"

"That right there is the best thing you have going for you." I winked at him.

He licked his lips. "Do you think if we have sex, my eyes will change back?"

"We could try it and see."

He cocked his head to one side and eyed the scar on my neck. "If that doesn't work, may I bite you?"

"Maybe I'm the one who should do the biting."

"I'll let you go first."

"Always the gentleman."

He pulled back and smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "Bella," he said. "I want you to look in that tea chest—the one in your mind with Edward's name on it. I need you to be sure that it's me you want."


	46. Silent vows in secret places

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **46\. Silent vows in secret places**

As the last of the daylight faded, I led Jasper up to my favourite mountain ledge. He sat leaning against the rock face and drew me down to sit between his legs with my back to his chest.

"I'm scared," I said.

He wrapped his arms tightly around my midriff and whispered in my ear, "You will at all times stay connected to me. You will tell me where you are and what you see, and you will listen to my command, should I give it."

I shuddered at the tone of his voice. It held a promise of protection and something more, but what was it? To simply take care of me and then set me free, or to hold me in his arms forever?

Closing my eyes, I let myself wander in my mind. I hadn't done that since right after I'd run away from my bereaved father. It didn't take long to find the tea chest, for I knew exactly where it was, and once I had it in front of me, I prized off the lid with my fingernails and began emptying it of the scrunched up pieces of blue packing paper inside.

Down and down I went, until I was bent double over the top edge of the chest, staring at a large glistening object at the bottom.

"It's a block of ice," I said.

Jasper's arms tightened around my waist, and I took strength from the feel of his body enveloping mine. In the dim confines of the tea chest, my eyes gradually adjusted their focus.

"Oh no!" I said. "Jasper, I don't want to look anymore. It's… There's a lot of blood and—Oh fuck! It's a human heart!"

Keeping my eyes closed, I twisted my neck so I could inhale Jasper's scent. I dug my fingers into the stone flesh of his forearms and gasped. "There's a puddle of water underneath it. Fuck! The ice is melting. How can that be?"

I felt a kiss on my forehead. His lips were soft and his words softer. "You have to choose now, Bella."

"Choose what?"

"You have to choose who you want to be: the girl you were with the human heart, or the vampire you are now."

"But I can't go back. It's not possible."

"Not physically, no. But emotionally…"

"But what about Edward and Tanya?" I said. Then in a whisper, I added, "What about you?"

My eyelids were so heavy I could barely raise them, but when I did, his lips were a hair's breadth from mine.

"Your choice, Bella," he said.

We sat like that for the longest time before I spoke.

"I should have died so many times, Jasper, and now I wish I had—when Edward first met me, or that time in the parking lot, or when I jumped off the cliff. Look what my existence has done to your family. Look what it's done to Alice."

"No. That's all on her. You can't take credit for that. She manipulated her family one too many times and—"

"You should never have changed me. You should have let me die. You should kill me now before I hurt anyone else. I know you can. You told me—"

"Alright."

"What?" Suddenly, it didn't seem like such a good plan, after all.

"I'll kill you," he murmured, his lips brushing against mine, "but only after you've bitten me and I've bitten you."

…

"Bella!" I shouted as the pain in my chest intensified. If I hadn't known better, I would have said I was having a heart attack.

But it's hardly the done thing to cry out your ex-girlfriend's name whilst buried deep inside your current beloved, is it?

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, pulling out of Tanya and sinking to my knees. She followed me down and wrapped her arms around me, caressing my hair and face while the pain subsided.

It wasn't the first time I'd experienced such agony. The other had been during the months between leaving Bella in Forks and her supposed death. Only her becoming a vampire had eased that pain, and that I could feel it again, could mean only one thing.

Tanya understood before I was even able to find the words to explain it. I was such a fortunate man to be loved by such a generous woman.

"Go to her," she said.

"I'm not leaving you!" I gripped her forearms and looked into her eyes.

"Edward, whatever this is, it needs to be resolved, one way or another, and if I have to give you up—"

I placed my fingertips over her lips. "I love you, Tanya."

"I know."

When I stood to fasten my pants, my hands were shaking so badly that Tanya had to help me. I kissed her for what might be the last time, wondering if either Bella or I could fight the mating bond, assuming that was what I had felt.

…

"And everyone used to call me melodramatic!" Edward's voice cut through the haze of desire, interrupting what might have been my only ever chance to kiss Jasper Whitlock. Dammit!

He dusted down his pants and glared down at us. "There will be no killing today or ever. This idiot would kill himself before he could even think of killing you, Bella. He's in love with you."

I stared at Jasper until Edward's hand appeared between our faces. "Bella," he said, "come take a walk with me."

"What is it with this family!" I said. "Why are you always trying to remind me of the worst day of my life?"

Edward grinned. "If we do it properly enough times, perhaps you'll eventually forget the worst one. This walk will be nice, I promise."

I sighed. "I'm not sure even you can promise me that, Edward." I let him pull me up and gave an apologetic smile to my… Jasper. He had a look of resignation on his face that fair broke my heart.

Once we'd climbed down the mountainside and into the shadow of the trees, Edward turned to me and said, "You found it, didn't you?"

I nodded. "How did you know?"

"I felt you," he said, tapping the fingertips of his right hand to his heart.

"Oh!" Shit!

He ran the fingers of his right hand through his hair. "The last time I took a walk like this with you, I behaved..."

"I wish I'd understood back then," I said, looking at him.

"Perhaps if I'd told you the truth and given you a say in the decision…"

"When I went off on my own last time, I went to see my dad, Edward. Just to watch him from afar, you understand. I found him sooner than expected, on the bank of a river, fishing. He looked so different without his moustache, and so much older for little over a year since I…"

Edward took a step forward and cuddled me to his chest.

"I didn't recognise him at first," I said, sobbing, "but when I did, I saw some of what you tried to save me from—his pain and the guilt I would have felt if you and I had faked my death. I want him to know I'm still here. I want my mom to know, too, but I can't. I daren't even go and see her. I'm dead to them, and it hurts so much to know what I've done, and the guilt I feel now is entirely of my own making."

"No, Bella!"

I took a deep breath. "We have a choice to make. I've found… something that I believe represents our connection from before, but I don't…"

Gripping my shoulders, he pulled back a little. "Are you the girl you were then? Am I the boy?"

I shook my head. "No. Not anymore."

"I love you, Bella. Whatever happened to our bond when you were changed, I'm grateful for it. I'd never have been the man I am today. I'd never have been as accepting of myself as I am now, but for that." He smirked a little. "I'm pretty sure I'd have been an overbearing boyfriend if we'd… but whatever you did up here," he said, tapping my temple, "you didn't allow us to be bitter, or to hate each other, you allowed us to be friends."

"I'm going to give it a proper burial."

"What?"

"My defrosting, human heart."

"Can I see it?"

I took a hold of his hand, closed my eyes and found the shiny black cube in my mind. Once it was open, and he'd squeezed my hand to let me know he could see inside my mind, I led him down the corridors until we came to the tea chest.

It was still surrounded by the blue packing paper, but when we looked inside it, there was nothing but a disgusting pool of blood streaked water.

It appeared I had already made my choice.

I love you, Edward, I thought.


	47. Sins and false alarms

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **47\. Sins and false alarms**

"There's someone here who would like to see you," Edward said into my hair.

I opened my eyes and turned my head. Jasper was leaning against a tree trunk with his legs crossed at the ankles, but his bravado didn't fool me.

"You love him," Jasper said.

I felt Edward's arms drop away. "Yes," I said, smiling, but when I turned to look back at Edward, he had already gone. "For my sins, I do love him."

"Oh. I see."

"Do you?" I stalked toward him, undoing the top two buttons of my shirt so he would see what I was wearing around my neck.

During a rare moment alone, I had finally retrieved the hard object he'd placed in my jacket pocket before we left Montana. It was the smoothest of green-black stones with a small hole just off-centre, through which I had threaded a braid made with fine, cotton yarns from Tanya's sewing box.

Jasper stared at the heart-shaped stone resting against my chest as I edged closer and pressed myself against the front of his body. I placed my lips on his jaw just below his ear and took in a lungful of his delicious scent. "Take me hunting, Jasper."

He swallowed. "We've not long hunted."

"Then hunt me," I whispered, the tip of my tongue tasting his skin before I darted up the mountainside.

He caught me on my ledge—I might have planned it that way—and his hands were everywhere, undoing zips and buttons until we were mostly naked.

"We're going to do it here?" I asked, grinning. "Really? On the ledge?"

"Why, Bella, do you think I can't keep us safe?"

As if that mattered. "I know you can keep us safe, but if we fall off we'll never hear the end of it from Emmett."

"You'd better take that off," he said, nodding at my open shirt which barely maintained my modesty. He hooked his thumbs into the waistband of his jeans, sliding them back and forth, watching me.

"Are you as big as Emmett?" I asked, letting my shirt slide slowly down my arms.

"It's not about size, Bella. You know that." He kicked his jeans off and then perused my naked form. It was hard not to keep my eyes glued to one singular part of his anatomy, and all of a sudden I felt shy.

"I've never done this before," I said.

"I thought you had sex with—"

"First time with another vampire. Will it be different?"

"It'll be different because it's me." He reached out and grabbed my wrist, bringing our bodies together. His skin felt like silk under my fingertips. I stroked my way across his scarred chest, over his shoulders and then down his back to caress his behind.

I peeked down at our feet to see they were very close the edge. "Shit. There's not a lot of room up here for this, is there?"

"I can sit on the edge with you on my lap, if you like," he said.

"Oh no, I'll be sure to topple us over."

"Missionary?" He raised an eyebrow.

I giggled. "Too boring."

"From behind?" He winked at me and cupped my backside with both hands.

"Too impersonal," I said and then whispered, "for our first time."

"Up against the side of the mountain it is then," he said, walking me in the right direction.

"Fuck, yes! That'll do it, but we'd better not cause an avalanche."

"Oh darlin', you really shouldn't have said that."

…

Darting through the trees, I could hear Tanya's thoughts well before I got home. It was certainly the greatest distance I'd ever known my ability to work.

I just want him to love me, she thought. If only she knew how much.

Irina and Kate were waiting outside the cabin, holding hands anxiously. I paused to kiss them both on the cheek, getting a spark from Kate that had my lips tingling, and then charged indoors and up the stairs.

Tanya hadn't moved from the spot where I'd left her. She was standing, still disheveled from our most unfortunate interruption, staring at the open doorway.

When she saw me, her body swayed as if she might topple over. She seemed so fragile in that moment.

"I do love you, Tanya," I said, moving cautiously toward her.

"She rejected you?"

"There was no need for anything like that. Neither of us wants to go back to what we might have once had; we both want what we have now." I held her face in my hands and rubbed the tip of her nose with the tip of mine. "Shall we start again?"

A faint smile graced her lips. "Are you going to court me, Edward?"

"I'm going to make love to you. Perhaps we should use the bed this time."

"Can… Can Alice see us?" she asked.

"Probably." I winced.

"I wish… I don't want her to."

"Then we'll hide under the covers. Come on."

Way off in the distance, there was a loud clash of thunder and then a whumpf. I suspected my brother and my best friend might have had something to do with it, but I had someone far more important to attend to.

I lifted the covers for Tanya to get into bed and quickly joined her. We slowly stripped off each other's clothes, caressing and kissing each other tenderly. Then I lay on top of her, pulling the top sheet up over our heads.

"Hold it there," I said, winking at her. "I'm going down."

…

Our first kiss would have blown my rainbow striped socks off, if they weren't already tucked inside my boots. When we broke apart to look at each other, we both had beaming smiles on our faces, though his was a little more lopsided than mine.

"Fucking finally," he muttered before he leaned in for more.

During the second kiss, he hoisted me off the ground, and as my legs wrapped around his waist, he joined us together in one smooth thrust—give or take a couple of somewhat exploratory manoeuvres that had us both giggling.

"We're finally fucking," I said, grinning. Then, before he could say something sarcastic, I ran my fingers through his hair and pulled his face toward mine so I could explore his mouth with my tongue. It seemed only fair for part of me to be inside him.

It took a while for me to realise that he hadn't moved his hips. I stopped my assault on his mouth and took a good look at his gorgeous face. His lips were shiny, coated in my venom, and I wanted them everywhere.

He opened his eyes lazily and stared back at me, and when his gaze darted briefly to my mouth, all remaining traces of red in his irises turned to black.

"You have to tell me," he said, as he began to slide slowly in and out of me.

"Aaah!" I threw my head back and heard something crack behind me. "Tell you what?"

He nipped and sucked at the scar on my neck and then licked his way down my chest to my breasts.

"I want to know everything you're feeling," he said against my skin, thrusting his hips more forcefully so my back grazed up and down the rock face, sending tiny fragments in all directions. "Every goddamned thing."

"Physical things?" My words came out in an embarrassingly high pitched, breathy squeak. "Like how I can feel your… ahem… inside me?"

He smirked, and ground his pelvis into mine before slowing his movements once again. "If you like, but I was thinking more of the emotional things."

Why did it suddenly seem easier to label his private parts than to bare my soul to him?

I pressed my heels into his backside, trying to push him deeper inside me. He was delightfully compliant, but no sooner had we found a rhythm than our movements became erratic, and we gave ourselves over to the intense passion we'd been studiously avoiding for so many weeks.

"I feel secure... in your arms…" I said, panting. "Ah… and more connected than… and, oh… lucky to be alive… oh fuck, Jasper, yes. Don't stop!"

"What else?" he said, using that special tone he reserved just for me. "What else do you feel, Bella?"

"Oh," I whispered. "I… love, Jasper. I feel loved. Oh myyyy… "

He rested his forehead against mine while he found his own release, staring into my eyes with his mouth wide open. And then, as the last puff of air left his lungs, he said, "That's because I love you, Bella."

His words would have been reciprocated were it not for the snow pouring down my face and into my mouth from above. Still, I think he knew already.


	48. Winners laugh too soon

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **48\. Winners laugh too soon**

When the snow stopped falling, we managed to dig out our boots, socks and shirts, but our jeans appeared to have been swept off the ledge. We dressed in what little we had and made our way back down.

Once under the forest canopy, Jasper pulled me into his chest, ran his nose up and down my neck and pressed his erection into my belly.

I sniffed the air. "What's that smell?" I whispered

"Us," he said, his tongue making venomous circles on my skin. It tingled and sent shivers down my spine, but sex was thirsty work, and something else had captured my attention.

"Bear!" I shouted, breaking free from his grasp and running through the trees.

He followed me step for step, and when I took the bear down, he crouched on the opposite side of its head, waiting for permission to join me.

Normally, that kind of intrusion would have gotten my back up, and I would have warned him off, but now I knew the depth of his feelings for me and had all but admitted my own, I couldn't bring myself to deny him.

With our eyes on each other, we sucked the animal dry, but when we'd finished, I fell onto my hands and knees before the bloodied corpse had even hit the ground.

My head spun and my body convulsed. Would this horrid side effect of the hunt ever go away?

"Stay right there, darlin'," Jasper said, coming around and kneeling beside me. He rubbed a soothing hand down my spine, over the fabric of my shirt. Then the hand went lower and lower until it was caressing the bare skin of my bottom.

I gasped, taking in a lungful of air. The scent of the dead animal mixed with something far more overpowering, and as if he'd sensed my shifting mood, Jasper swiftly placed himself behind me and brought our bodies together.

His hands slid under my shirt and encased my breasts, pulling me up and back against his body so I could feel the fabric of our shirts rumpled between us.

He moved my hair out of the way with his nose, then ran his lips up my neck to my ear. "Not too impersonal like this, is it, darlin'?"

"No." I shuddered from the dual sensations of his whispered words and the steady movement of his thrusting hips.

One of his hands roamed further down my body, exploring and caressing, and any residual revulsion and disgust gave way to impending ecstasy.

"For our third time, I'm going to lick you clean." Oh, fuck! "Then you, darlin', are going to lick me."

"Yes!"

"Our fourth will be the old fashioned way, and I'll show you what making love really means. I promise it won't be boring."

"Oh, Jasper!"

"And when you ride me on our fifth time, you're going to bite me," he said, nipping at the skin on my neck with his teeth, "right about here."

I cried out then, letting the world know how wonderful it felt to be with Jasper Whitlock.

...

Tanya snuggled into my side and sighed. I squeezed her, kissed her forehead and then played with a lock of her hair.

We had barely stopped to come up for air and were now both sticky and in need of a long shower, but for the moment I was content to lay back and revel in my good fortune.

When Rosalie strolled into our room, I was glad for the sheet that was still covering our naked bodies.

"Well, well," she said, "I never thought I'd see the day I'd be able to creep up on my little brother."

I didn't spoil her moment of false triumph by telling her I'd heard her coming ten minutes ago. I'd had to ensure both Tanya and I climaxed a little sooner than I would have liked, but there was always next time. Perhaps in the shower...

"Have you checked your phone?" Rosalie asked.

"Do I look I've been checking my phone?" I replied, grinning. Tanya giggled and tickled my side.

"Hmpf. I'm sorry to disturb you, but Emmett and I have been subjected to a barrage of calls on the landline, and we didn't feel it was fair to keep it to ourselves any longer." She looked around the room for a minute before returning her gaze to mine. Then, as the phone conversations played back in her mind, she said aloud, "Alice has gone blind."

"What?" Tanya sat up, taking the sheet with her and leaving me barely covered where it mattered.

"Since the avalanche," Rosalie said, "Alice hasn't been able to see anything."

"She saw an avalanche?" I asked, frowning.

"Yes, Edward, keep up. That's when the first call came, just as the snow cascaded down the mountain."

"I heard something, but..." I looked up at Tanya's smiling face. "I was busy."

"You weren't the only one." Rosalie subconsciously provided me with an enticing visual, and I made a mental note to try that position with Tanya later.

"Alice could see you both, by the way. The sheet hid nothing."

"Fuck!" Tanya covered her face with her hands and in doing so tugged the sheet off me, leaving me completely exposed, not that Rosalie hadn't seen it all before.

"Precisely," Rosalie said as I whispered an apology to Tanya. "Then suddenly everything went black and when she opened her eyes, she couldn't see out of them. It's not just her foresight that's gone blank."

I needed my pants on, if for no other reason than to feel some semblance of control.

As I moved to get out of bed, Rosalie continued speaking out loud for Tanya's benefit. "Esme is in hysterics, begging us all to stop what we're doing, begging us to stop Bella from hurting Alice."

"What?!" Both Tanya and I shouted at the same time, but while she had the bed for support, I almost fell flat on my face with my pants half way up my legs. I pulled myself together, pulled up my pants and passed Tanya her clothes. I turned around and stepped angrily in front of my sister.

Her hands came up in front of her. "I know, I know, just... don't shoot the messenger."

"Where are Jasper and Bella?"

"Emmett's gone to find them."

...

We lay on the ground facing each other, the dead bear now buried under the mulch.

"Will you say the words?" Jasper asked, fiddling with the two remaining buttons holding my shirt together.

"Which ones?"

"The words you were going to say when your mouth was filled with snow."

"Do you need to hear them?" I smiled and batted my eyelashes.

"Didn't you?" His face was stern.

I stared into his eyes for the longest time. They seemed lighter in colour than usual. I stroked the frown off his face and ran my fingers through his hair, edging closer and closer to him.

Placing my lips on his, I slowly unbuttoned his shirt and rolled him onto his back. With my legs either side of his, I pushed myself up and ran my tongue along the line of his jaw then down his neck and onto his chest.

He arched his back and cursed loudly, but when I brought my knees up beside his waist and ground myself down onto his erection, he whispered, "You're getting everything out of order, darlin', and mixing number three with number five."

Did he care? It didn't feel like he cared, and when I looked down at his face—his eyes pitch black, staring at my chest, and his tongue peeking out of the corner of his mouth—it didn't look like much like he cared either.

Watching his expression, I slid back and forth over him. He was right, I decided. I had claimed him when he changed me, even though I wouldn't have known why back then. I wanted him to be mine, forever, and I was just about to open my mouth and tell him when—

"There you are! Oh, my eyes!"

Jasper pushed his hips up, begging me not to stop, but I was frozen with fury.

"Fucking hell, Emmett!" I said, my fingers gouging troughs in the forest floor. My brother was lucky I couldn't move without completely exposing Jasper because I wanted to tear his head from his shoulders.

"I'm really sorry," he said, "but we have a very big problem."

"Yeah," Jasper muttered, "and it ain't going away anytime soon."


	49. Enough's enough

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **49\. Enough's enough**

Only six of us assembled at the Cullen's cabin for the video conference call with the family members in Ithaca. Irina and Kate had wisely declared themselves Swiss nationals for the day and opted to stay at home.

Jasper and I had stopped by our treehouse en route to put on some pants, but even fully dressed, neither he nor I could have been considered particularly presentable for company, polite or otherwise. Indeed, Edward and Tanya only looked marginally better because they didn't have half the forest floor stuck to them.

Emmett arranged six dining chairs in a semicircle in front of the computer screen, and we all took our seats, but the call hadn't even connected before Jasper got up and stood off to the side out of camera range. He took a piece of wood and a small pen knife out of his jeans pocket and started carving.

Tanya pulled her knitting out of her bag while Edward looked on wistfully, his fingers taking turns to tap at his thumbs. Emmett blew a raspberry in my direction in an effort to make me laugh, but it was Rosalie cuffing him that put a brief smile on my face.

Then Carlisle appeared on the screen with half of Eleazar beside him, and the mood turned sombre. Where were their wives, and more importantly, where was Alice?

For the next hour or so each couple outlined their recent movements so Carlisle and Eleazar could tie everything in with Alice's various visions and sudden loss of sight.

Emmett had no qualms in divulging anything and everything, giving detailed accounts of several unsuccessful attempts (because the phone kept ringing) to satisfy his wife and the discovery of his half-naked sister kneeling astride his equally half-naked brother in the depths of the forest.

Edward was far more discreet in his delivery. He recalled hearing thunder followed by a whumpf, and then said he'd made love to Tanya under a sheet until Rosalie had arrived.

Then it was my and Jasper's turn. I was both mortified and angry. Surely my shield was in existence to protect me from invasions of privacy such as this. I pressed my lips firmly together and looked across at Jasper.

Never once taking his eyes off his carving, Jasper quietly described our time together using the most eloquent turns of phrase. He told them everything and nothing, and he lied through his teeth about every single detail, except for what had happened just before we were shrouded in snow. And there he stopped.

If there was one thing I loved about Jasper, it was the way he would watch and listen from the sidelines, taking it all in and mulling it over. Jasper never shot from the hip. Well, he did, kind of, from between the hips I suppose you'd say, and the result was pretty spectacular, but I digress.

When Jasper Whitlock spoke, it was guaranteed worth listening to (except when he was talking utter nonsense about him finding me), and it would seem, his word was rarely doubted.

Our elders, but not betters, suggested we take a break while they deliberated, cogitated and digested the wealth of information they'd gathered, and we alI let out a collective sigh of relief.

…

As soon as the call ended, I stood up and paced the room, pinching the bridge of my nose.

I could tell Jasper had been less than truthful when he'd recounted his and Bella's most intimate moments, but his story was so seamless and his mind so acutely focussed on his carving, it was difficult to detect which details were fabricated and which were not.

Bella had bitten her lip when he'd said that the culmination of their activities had coincided with the avalanche, then a sly smile had crept across her face.

Still, something wasn't right with this whole situation, and with a computer screen between us and them, and no Alice in sight, I could not get a read on what was causing me to feel we were being led up the garden path.

"I'm going back to Ithaca," I said, coming to a halt in front of the group.

"What?" Tanya said, her eyes wide. Some stitches dropped off the end of her knitting needle. I sat back down, took the knitting out of her hands and placed it on the desk.

"I have to get inside Alice's head," I said, wrapping my arm around her shoulders.

"Do you think you'll be able to help?" Bella asked.

I twisted around to answer her. "I don't know, but I've got to try."

"I'll come with you," Tanya said.

I shook my head slowly, watching her face fall. "This whole thing started when I met Bella. It all goes back to that moment. I was the one who chose to get involved then, so one could argue that it's my fault we're all in this mess now. I need to do something to see if I can resolve it, once and for all."

"It's not your fault, Edward," Bella said, "and it isn't Alice's fault either. But maybe it's mine."

I looked at her. She was wringing her hands together. "What would you have me do, Bella? What would you do in my shoes?"

"I've been in your shoes, Edward, and I learned a thing or two about you and about myself. Maybe that's what we need to do for Alice—put ourselves in her shoes."

She turned to look at Jasper. "She's hurting, even though much of the pain is of her own making. She's lost her man and her siblings, and everything good she saw in her own future has gone awry. Maybe I should go. Maybe... maybe Carlisle can help me explore my shield to see if I can control it better."

Jasper tucked his piece of wood and his knife into his pocket and beckoned her over to him. "Darlin'," he said, "I don't believe the situation can be resolved by anyone but Alice. More importantly, six people should not have to destroy their own happiness for the sake of one person, however sick that person might be."

"Hear hear!" said Emmett. "I for one am not going to stop having stupendous sex with my wife, and I don't care who it upsets! Come on Rosie, what do you say we have a quickie upstairs before Dad calls back."

…

The general consensus—according to Carlisle and Eleazar—was that I had broken Alice. They had several theories as to how it might have happened:

 _Whatever I'd done to break my bond with Edward, I had somehow done the same to Alice and Jasper._ Never mind that Jasper was clear about their relationship being the wrong fit for him before I was ever on the scene.

 _Sex with Jasper had expanded my shielding capabilities until I'd enveloped the best part of the Denali National_ _Park._ I rather liked this theory, but not so much the part that pinpointed my orgasm as the significant moment of that expansion.

 _I was using my shield to protect and thereby claim my own coven._ This one was only passable with certain limitations on membership.

 _I hated Alice and couldn't forgive her._ Untrue on both counts. Well, maybe not true of poor Riley's demise, but I had a better understanding of her slip and her mental issues than anyone gave me credit for. My feelings toward her, while frosty, were mostly sympathetic.

During the ensuing melee of raised voices, Jasper and I remained silent. I sent a few thoughts Edward's way, knowing he'd heard me when he voiced them as his own, but as the argument got more heated, one loud voice called everyone to order with a simple word.

"Enough!" Jasper insisted Alice show herself, and when she arrived on screen, he strode up to the computer and accused her of lying about her most recent affliction. She crumbled before our eyes.

Alice hadn't gone blind, Alice just hated being left out of the loop—her loop—for she had certainly been used to having everyone run circles around her.

She'd foreseen plenty of sexual activity in her time living with two other couples, and Jasper could testify to her reaping the benefits in her own bedroom. The only difference now was that she hadn't chosen Edward's partner and had no one of her own to play with. And whose fault was that?

While I'd have thought she'd have been glad not to see Jasper and me, this latest stunt had me wondering. If I had projected my shield to cover the other two couples, could I retract it and give her a show she really wouldn't want to see?

Had the whole episode been one of Carlisle's controlled experiments, it clearly would have failed. All tests were doomed to failure while Alice still chose to manipulate events to her advantage.

"Enough's enough," Jasper said finally, cutting the video call connection before taking my hand and leading me outside.

He pressed me up against the cabin wall and whispered in my ear, "You know, I'd really like to make that pack of lies I told in there come true. Care to join me, darlin'?"

* * *

 **Note:** This story is quite over yet and won't be until I hit complete sometime next week. In the meantime - Merry Christmas!


	50. Epilogue

**Please Note: Alternating points of view—Bella/Edward/Bella**

* * *

 **50\. Epilogue**

Everything comes down to choices in the end, doesn't it? Not that any of us can say all the options on the table are necessarily pleasant ones at any given time.

Edward and I chose to keep moving forward, to be who we were in that moment and not look back. It no longer mattered whether the human me had been his mate or his singer. It didn't matter whether Alice had been right or wrong. He and I had become the best of friends.

Every part of me, human blood and vampire venom, had chosen Jasper when he'd changed me, and for reasons I could not fathom, he had chosen me too.

I did bite him, just the once, to pay him back for having bitten me. And yes, said bite was delivered in the throes of passion, exactly as he had anticipated. By the length of his orgasm, I'd say he rather enjoyed it.

Afterward, he admitted he hadn't just bitten my neck when he changed me, he'd bitten my wrists and ankles too, and yet curiously, those bites had not left a mark on my vampire skin.

When he offered me the chance to even up the score, I looked at his beautiful upper body covered in battle scars and decided I could not bring myself to bite him ever again. He looked disappointed until I promised to spend an eternity looking for other ways to prolong his pleasure.

His eyes didn't change overnight, but they did lighten, little by little, until they eventually matched mine. It turned out Jasper and Edward's theory about my venom wasn't quite so far fetched after all.

But try as I might, I could not find any way to break my block on his ability to feel my emotions, nor for him to project his onto me. In the end, we decided that we preferred having to communicate with words and gestures, so I stopped trying.

Regular physical reassurances were required on both sides, which in turn helped to maintain Jasper's golden yellow eye colour. One short trial period of abstinence turned them red again, and Jasper and me thirsty and insatiable.

Maybe it was just as well that I could do nothing to retract my shield for Alice either, although I suspect that had as much to do with me not really wanting to be seen as anything.

Carlisle had once pondered the possibility that my venom might alleviate Alice's suffering, but neither Jasper nor I were willing for me to have any intimate contact with her or anyone else for that matter. Equally, I was loath to provide venom samples for Carlisle to experiment with, so we kept very quiet about our little discovery.

Secretly, I wondered what would have happened if I had bitten Alice that time when I almost took her head off. She'd wanted me to do it, as I recall. Perhaps she'd known something, perhaps not, but I'd made my choice back then to let her go, and unless another opportunity presented itself, I'd have to live with it and so would she.

As Alice perfected her ability to look around the black holes and beyond the Tanya and Edward show, her condition did become more manageable and her sanity returned, more or less.

And that was when Jasper and I left our family and friends behind in Denali to go it alone for a while. I'd always wanted to study English Literature at university, and because I didn't have to sleep at night, I signed up for a creative writing course too.

…

I loved my woman, I loved my life and I loved my new home. I loved my new home even more once we'd rearranged the great room to make way for a baby grand piano.

It would take a while to get used to the idea that I would not be on the move every three to four years, but no time at all to accept that I no longer had to attend high school to fit in with someone else's life choices.

When Jasper and Bella left for university, Carmen and Eleazar returned. They were soon followed by my parents and sister, and we all began to repair the damage done to our family. Many things had been said that could never be forgotten.

New boundaries were drawn, but some secrets remained intact. Only six of us knew that Bella could open her mind to me at will, and only four of us knew that Bella had held our future happiness in her heart and mind. And then there was the little matter of her venom.

When Jasper's eyes had lightened to an orange glow, it became obvious that our theory about her venom was correct. Seeing as sex with her was out of the question, I was half tempted to have her bite Tanya and me to see if it would hide us from Alice, but had it worked, it would have attracted Carlisle's attention. And we had no idea what else her venom might do to us.

And that wasn't the only revelation. Who would have guessed that jumping Jasper would help resolve Bella's issues with hunting? With Jasper's emotions at an all time high, we'd had a few near misses with all three couples copulating in the forest at the same time and barely a tree between them.

Alice had no idea what she was missing.

Living close to my not-quite-all-seeing sister again did take some adjustment. Irina and Kate were very accommodating, taking her hunting and on extended shopping trips to Fairbanks. Occasionally, she overstepped and made a facetious remark about my choice of partner, but Kate was surprisingly swift to use her gift as a form of aversion therapy.

My cousins became very protective of me all round, so much so that Emmett kept making dirty jokes about me being the source of pleasure for all three women. That was nonsense, of course. Irina and Kate took their pleasures elsewhere and never brought their human lovers into a house full of vampires. Not like I had with Bella.

As the weeks and months went by, I missed my best friend and my brother more and more, and so I concocted plans with Emmett to go and disturb their peace. It would be good to be off Alice's radar too, if only for a little while.

...

"Are you writing again?" Jasper asked, breaking the silence.

"Yes," I said, my fingers poised over the keys on my laptop.

"What kind of story are you writing this time?"

"It's an erotic story about a sexy, blond vampire who finds a girl close to death in the sea at the bottom of a cliff. He changes her, but then he loses her."

"I'm sure he had good reason. Does he find her again?"

"No, she finds him. It's a constant source of debate between the two of them because his ego is a little delicate, and he can't admit that she is superior to him in every way."

"Hmm. Do they end up together?"

"For a while, yes."

"Only a while?"

"He has this tendency to hide his head in a philosophy book when he should be taking all his clothes off."

"Perhaps he should read in the nude."

"Certainly not! A book that size might spoil her view."

"Silly me." He put his book down on the nightstand and opened up his bathrobe.

I slammed down the lid of my laptop, not even bothering to save my work (it's not as if I would forget it), and then stalked toward the bed. I crawled up his body, licking bits of skin here and there—mostly there—until I was straddling his lap, ready and waiting.

He thrust up into me, pulling me down by my hips, making me gasp.

I raised an eyebrow. "Should I make a joke about saving a horse?"

"No jokes," he said, bending his legs up behind me and drawing me down toward him. "This is a serious business. I need to know how I can get to keep you for all eternity."

Placing my hands either side of his head, I rubbed his nose with mine and grinned. "But I like to laugh when we're doing it."

"Marry me, Bella."

"Now, that is funny—oh—and it wasn't—aaah—even a question."

His eyes glinted and his lips twitched, but he didn't argue. He did, however, take great pains to wipe the silly smirk off my face and replace it with whatever expression I made whenever I was thoroughly satisfied.

Later that night, we lay sated and entwined, his tongue lazily tickling my neck. He paused for a moment, breathing cool air onto my damp skin. "Do you ever wish you could turn back the clock and change the past?"

I stroked a hand over his cheek, waiting for him to lift his chin so I could look into those beautiful, golden yellow eyes before I answered him.

"Not anymore. I love who I am now, I love my second life, and Jasper Whitlock, I love you." And I meant it. Every word.


	51. Postscript

**** NOTE: Alternating points of view—ALICE/Bella/ALICE ****

* * *

 **51\. Postscript**

I don't understand it. It wasn't meant to be this way. You were meant to be with my brother, not my mate.

Nothing has been the same since you arrived that day at Forks High School. Up until then, I'd always trusted my visions, as had my family. If I warned them to stay home, they listened; if I told them to be somewhere, they went, but they didn't listen quite as much when it came to you.

Rosalie wanted to kill you at first, and Jasper agreed with her. He even offered to do it himself. Did he tell you that? He would have made it look like an accident, of course, but he thought your death was preferable to Edward exposing the family secret in the middle of a biology class.

But me? I saved your life. I was the one who stopped him. I had visions of you together with Edward, and you were both so happy. I knew right then you'd be one of us, and I was so sure you'd be his, but you're not.

I thought I knew each and every outcome. I thought I knew what would come to pass, but I can see now that there were times when I shouldn't have interfered and times when I should have, but didn't.

All those times Tanya made advances toward my virginal brother, I commended his resistance and reassured him that his mate would come, that I would see her coming. If I'd only acted differently and pushed him in Tanya's direction then... and yet, even now, I cannot stomach to see them together, and I don't know why.

You have cost me so much more than a mate. You have cost me some of my sight and most of my sanity.

…

Esme called. She said you've been struggling again with your visions of Edward and Tanya, and could I not come back to Denali to give you a break.

I told her—well, it wasn't my most shining moment. I was rude and used some particularly unpleasant language and for that I'm sorry, but I can't help who I am, and I can't help doing what I do. I'm sorry my mind interferes with yours, but then perhaps you should have seen me coming.

But you did, didn't you? And you didn't stop to think about the consequences of your meddling and misinterpretations.

The more I learn of your life with the Cullens before me, the more I see how you shaped their lives. Admittedly, much of it could be perceived as for their own good, but that kind of coddling is by its very nature a form of constraint that sucks the joy out of life.

Life is all about taking risks and chances, exposing ourselves to the unexpected, challenging our strengths and weaknesses. We need all that to feel alive, as opposed to feeling like the living dead.

You've hurt the people I love even if you didn't mean to, but I don't want you to suffer, Alice. I've had to adjust to what I am now, so perhaps you will too, in time. We certainly have plenty of it.

...

I haven't told this to a single soul. I found my sister's daughter when I was travelling alone, researching my human life and family.

She was in a nursing home for the elderly. Her family had been told that she had Alzheimer's disease, but her doctor's notes said otherwise. She'd been having visions since the age of five, and in recent years, their frequency had increased.

I took a chance and went to visit her, telling the staff she was my great grandmother's sister. She recognised me straight away, calling me by both my forenames, just as my sister would have done. It validated my presence to the staff, and for the duration of my stay in town, they let me come and go as I pleased.

Over the weeks, my niece told me countless stories of things she'd foreseen. Some were personal, some not, but each and every one of her visions had come true.

During my last visit, she held my hand so tightly, I thought she might hurt herself. She closed her eyes. Her breathing was slow and heavy for a while, and when she finally spoke, I had to lean in to hear her faint whisper.

She said she could see me in the arms of a man with long, wavy, blond hair and bright red eyes. She said she could hear him saying my name. He had a Southern accent, and when he smiled down at me, one side of his mouth rose a little higher than the other.

"Are you sure it's in my future, dear one?" I asked.

"Of course, Mary Alice," she whispered. "So long as you can keep looking around the black voids, it will happen."

I'm good at biding my time, Bella. After all, I've had to wait for him once before, haven't I?

* * *

 **Author's note:**

Well, my dear readers, this story is finally at an end. Thank you all so much for joining me on what was for some a rollercoaster ride and for others a guided swim into uncharted waters.

Thank you to those of you who have shared your thoughts with me along the way. I have enjoyed your company immensely.

Thanks also to Mortissues. I would never have finished writing this story had she not made teasing her with it so much fun!

I'm off to catch up on my reading and finish knitting the pair of socks I started way back when. All the best for 2017, everyone!


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